Christmas is the time of year for giving.
No seriously, it is; Its the time of year for giving all of your money to the shops, for giving unwanted presents to people you don’t actually care about, and for giving your middle finger to the guy who stole the only spot in the car park during the pre-Christmas rush after you have been patiently waiting for 15 minutes whilst grandma attempts to reverse out of the space.
In my world Christmas starts in December. The commercial world however, likes Christmas to start in October. I’m sure I even saw decorations out in September this year. That’s 4 months before Christmas… A quarter of a year! It should be made illegal to even mention the world Christmas before the 1st of December and if anybody does they should be strung up from the nearest Christmas tree by their baubles
Ahhhh the Christmas tree… Dragging a tree inside and hanging crap from it really does seem like a tradition invented by a load of drunks after a big night out. It was lucky that they didn’t stumble across some roadworks, otherwise we might all have a festive ‘Christmas traffic cone’ in our lounge room instead of a tree.
Dragging a tree inside and hanging crap from it really does seem like a tradition invented by a load of drunks after a big night out.
I have already seen people driving around with those stupid reindeer antlers stuck on their cars. I will never understand this. Putting antlers and a red nose on your car will not make it look like Rudolph, any more than replacing the Holden badge with a Transformers logo will make people think that you are driving around sitting in the genital area of Optimus Prime.
Why do people dress their pets up in Christmas attire? It is a fact that dogs do not have any Christmas spirit, you can see it in their eyes. When you dress Fido up as an elf he is not thinking “wow I love this new outfit”, he is thinking “I hate you and wish that I had opposable thumbs so I can rip this ridiculous outfit off and then strangle you with it”.
Then there is the work Christmas party where somebody will get really really drunk and make an ass of themselves. Somebody else will think that its hilarious to dance on a table and that lovely old lady from finance who everybody in the company sees as a mother figure will drink one to many gin & tonics and tell a racist joke. This is bad enough, but worse is that you don’t know whether to laugh because you secretly found it funny or avoid making eye contact with anybody.
If you want to survive Christmas, take my advice. Forget what the TV adverts tell you to do and do your own thing instead. Ignore all of the crazy people, take some time off work, and drink an awful lot of eggnog… Hopefully that way, come New Year you will have no memory whatsoever of what actually happened over Christmas.
Oh, and here is a list of Christmas movies you should watch and others you should avoid.