Christmas is coming

Dear Santa... I was naughty this year but it was totally worth it you judgemental bastard!

santa

Christmas is the time of year for giving.

No seriously, it is; Its the time of year for giving all of your money to the shops, for giving unwanted presents to people you don’t actually care about, and for giving your middle finger to the guy who stole the only spot in the car park during the pre-Christmas rush after you have been patiently waiting for 15 minutes whilst grandma attempts to reverse out of the space.

In my world Christmas starts in December. The commercial world however, likes Christmas to start in October. I’m sure I even saw decorations out in September this year. That’s 4 months before Christmas… A quarter of a year! It should be made illegal to even mention the world Christmas before the 1st of December and if anybody does they should be strung up from the nearest Christmas tree by their baubles

Ahhhh the Christmas tree… Dragging a tree inside and hanging crap from it really does seem like a tradition invented by a load of drunks after a big night out. It was lucky that they didn’t stumble across some roadworks, otherwise we might all have a festive ‘Christmas traffic cone’ in our lounge room instead of a tree.

Dragging a tree inside and hanging crap from it really does seem like a tradition invented by a load of drunks after a big night out.

I have already seen people driving around with those stupid reindeer antlers stuck on their cars. I will never understand this. Putting antlers and a red nose on your car will not make it look like Rudolph, any more than replacing the Holden badge with a Transformers logo will make people think that you are driving around sitting in the genital area of Optimus Prime.

Why do people dress their pets up in Christmas attire? It is a fact that dogs do not have any Christmas spirit, you can see it in their eyes. When you dress Fido up as an elf he is not thinking “wow I love this new outfit”, he is thinking “I hate you and wish that I had opposable thumbs so I can rip this ridiculous outfit off and then strangle you with it”.

Then there is the work Christmas party where somebody will get really really drunk and make an ass of themselves. Somebody else will think that its hilarious to dance on a table and that lovely old lady from finance who everybody in the company sees as a mother figure will drink one to many gin & tonics and tell a racist joke. This is bad enough, but worse is that you don’t know whether to laugh because you secretly found it funny or avoid making eye contact with anybody.

If you want to survive Christmas, take my advice. Forget what the TV adverts tell you to do and do your own thing instead. Ignore all of the crazy people, take some time off work, and drink an awful lot of eggnog… Hopefully that way, come New Year you will have no memory whatsoever of what actually happened over Christmas.

Oh, and here is a list of Christmas movies you should watch and others you should avoid.

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I'm an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.

2 COMMENTS

  1. Oh, this was a good funny read. Ok Christmas is not what is use to be, I know. I don’t celebrate it any more but I wait until everyone has exhausted themselves almost to death shopping, then I sneak in and pick up the lovely last minute bargains that are on offer just before the shops close for a few days. Good quality food and drink at knock down prices is a must. The shops have to get rid of it, so it’s a win win situation for me:)

    Come Jan/Feb the Christmas stories turn into woe as everyone wonders how they will repay the not so friendly credit card, ha ha ha. What a per-lava.

    • Thanks, im new to this writing thing so glad you enjoyed reading it.

      I have actually discussed doing what you suggested with my girlfriend last week and next year our Christmas may fall a week later so that we can get twice as much for the same price! Either that or we are going to return everything and then get store credit the week after when everything is on sale!

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