Toddlers and Tiaras trash TV has hits a new low

Im going to admit it... I'm a fan of trashy TV. I enjoy an episode of Big Fat Gypsy Weddings as much as the next straight guy. I am also a massive fan of Jerry Springer and Maury Povich; Who doesn't love watching Bobbi-Jo tell Cletus that she has been sleeping with his morbidly obese grandmother Latishya behind his back?

toddlers and tiaras

The best thing about watching these shows though, is the way that these unintelligent idiots prance around on the TV thinking that everybody is laughing with them and not at them.

My love for trash TV only extends so far though. The other day i turned on the TV and was greeted by the most outlandish display of overly made-up, orange tanned idiots i had ever seen grace my 65 inch screen. No, it wasn’t an episode of Jersey Shore, it was Toddlers and Tiaras.

If you have never caught an episode of Toddlers and Tiaras let me fill you in. The show centers around a group of obese, self-loathing people who call themselves mothers. These fame-hungry pigs have never achieved their own dreams of fame and fortune so they have resorted to spawning offspring in the hope of living vicariously through them. they do this by entering them in dog shows, sorry, child beauty pageants, in the hope of winning a tiny plastic crown and a couple hundred dollars in a savings bond. The most astounding thing about this whole program is that 95% of all the mothers are so grotesque, overweight or a hideous combination of both I’m surprised they even found somebody to have sex with them.

They talk about how it is a way of life and how their children love to enter these pageants. Meanwhile, the child is yelling and screaming in protest whilst being dragged kicking and screaming through a hotel lobby.

These toddlers have more paint on their faces than a Da Vinci portrait, and it surely takes them longer to apply it than the master took to finish the Mona Lisa. They are covered in fake tan, more makeup than anybody at a gypsy wedding, false finger nails, wigs, eyelashes, tans and hair extensions. The parents prod, poke and preen them like monkeys cleaning their young. No matter how many times they say “Ow”, “No”, “Stop that hurts” the torture continues.

The parents claim that they are preparing them for a life of superstardom. I’m not sure who is going to open these apparent doors to superstardom but the only superstar qualities these little brats have are their pre-teen diva tendencies.

These kids work and work at increasing their ‘sparkle’ instead of their brains and emerge at the end with nothing except for a couple plastic trophies and crowns.

Trash TV

Listen to they way the mothers talk. They like to think of themselves as pageant celebrities, like winning these things is actually some kind of achievement. Not that they ever win though, one parent talked about the time “her darling daughter won fourth place”. I don’t think anybody has had the heart to tell her that the world doesn’t care about fourth place! One girl won a pageant last year because she was the only entrant. Listening to the way her mother speaks about the defining moment in her daughters pageant career you would have thought she had won Miss Universe.

We hear the the mothers crying that they are doing it for their children’s future but what do the children actually get from this? Chances are that the mental anguish will outweigh the few positives such as a boost in confidence and an overbearing fear of becoming orange during their adult life.

Once their pageant life is over what are these kids going to do? The parents dedicate their child’s life at winning pageants whilst school takes second place. They throw buckets of cash into this pedo-franchise that will leave nothing for their children to fall back on in later life.

These kids work and work at increasing their ‘sparkle’ instead of their brains and emerge at the end with nothing except for a couple plastic trophies and crowns. Thankfully though, this will give them something which they can use to build shelter when they find themselves on the street, because smiles and sparkle aren’t going to get you very far in life.

The way that the parents sexualise their children is disgusting. There are a lot of people in this world who struggle with the boundaries between what is, and what isn’t acceptable in regards to sexual encounters. These are pre-teen children but despite this, these pageant parents dress them up like whores on a night out. They then complain when their child is stalked by one of these deranged people or they receive sexually explicit correspondence from them. I’m not for a second agreeing that this is acceptable, but when a parent dresses their child up like a high class hooker it is only going to encourage this behaviour so what do they expect?

At the time of writing this post, Toddlers and Tiaras is in its 6th season and the scariest thing about that is the people who continue put it to air. I would rather stick a fork in my eye than watch another minute of Honey Boo Boo.


I’m an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.


  1. I would be fine with an innocent cutest kid type competition, but the blantant child abuse that goes on here is disgusting. Tanning, waxing, screaming and yelling is not the way to treat a 4 year old!

  2. Bloody well said!
    Beautifully articulated, could not have put it better myself….
    Now try Dance Moms!

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