As a man, whenever I leave the house I do the guy dance; I hit both pockets with my hands to check that I have my wallet, phone and keys. That is because in general day to day life, these are the 3 things I need to have on me.
Women on the other hand seem to enjoy carrying the entire contents of Kmart with them in their handbag wherever they go. According to an article in the Daily Mail, the average woman has 40 items in her handbag. That’s an awful lot of shit to be dragging around every day!
I’ve quizzed my girlfriend on the contents of her handbag and her answer is that she needs to be “prepared for any situation“. Well, why not chuck a jackhammer in there because there’s a small possibility that you could be trapped in a rockslide? Or maybe a rocket launcher so that if an elephant falls from the sky you can blow it up before it lands on you? Guys need to be prepared for every situation as well but we manage to do it with just a wallet, a mobile phone and car keys.
Next she will complain that her handbag is heavy and that it hurts to carry it… What else does she expect when she has the entire national product of a small African country hanging from her shoulder?
She complains her shoulder hurts but what does she expect when she has the entire national product of a small African country hanging from it?
Its not even organised either. Most handbags have hundreds of pockets and compartments but my girlfriend doesn’t use them. Instead she prefers to chuck it all into the large abyss in the middle where everything gets lost. I dare not go in there through fear of finding the shrivelled up bones of Harry Houdini after he dies during a failed escape attempt. Forget chains and barrels; if you really wanted to impress us Harry, you should have attempted to escape from inside a woman’s handbag.
Whats inside a woman’s handbag
I know that men are not supposed to go into a woman’s handbag but from my time on this planet I have established that the general contents of a girls handbag consists of the following:
- Broken hairclips
- Partially broken hairclips
- A phone
- A purse
- Credit cards
- 184 store loyalty cards
- Nail polish
- Used tissues
- 4 different perfumes
- Receipts from 4 years ago
Why do women even need to carry snacks around with them? I don’t carry a 200 gram block of chocolate around in my pack pocket in case I feel a bit hungry. I also cannot imagine turning out my pockets at airport security and handing over a phone, my wallet, car keys and a packet of TimTams.
Sometimes my belly button collects fluff from my shirts. My girlfriend mocks me about this and says that it is gross however her handbag contains a number of unidentifiable items covered in lint that are much worse. There is also a hairbrush covered in something that vaguely resembles hair but could also be the body of a long lost pet hamster which has gorged itself on the brush whilst attempting to escape the handbag.
Whenever her phone rings I don’t know why bothers trying to search for it because its always finished ringing by the time she finds it in her handbag. It would be quicker to hand raise a carrier pigeon and strap a note to its leg if you want to get in contact with her.
In an ideal world she would dive into her handbag to start searching for her keys 27 minutes before leaving the shopping center, but she won’t do this in case something falls out onto the ground and she loses it. Instead we have to be stopped outside the car before she starts looking for the keys. It takes her longer to find them than it took the Americans to find Osama Bin Laden, but at least the Americans only had to find Bin Laden once.
Girl logic vs guy logic
I know I am a guy and because of that, women are going to tell me to mind my own business because they can carry whatever they want in their handbags. But as a guy, I have to listen to the whinging and complaining from my partner because of her aching shoulders and then I am expected to massage these shoulders on a nightly basis so that she can go and do the same damage to herself the next day.
I am by no means a hoarder, but my girlfriend hates having things we don’t use around the house so she quite often takes it upon herself to cull things that we ‘no longer use’. I have therefore decided that I will take it upon myself to cull the contents of her handbag when she is not looking. I highly expect the result to be the culling of my testicles once she notices.
Update: after posting this, fellow blogger Emmajeanss sent me a reply about why woman need all the junk in their handbag… You can read it here.