I hate gangs of cyclists; the lycra stops them from thinking straight

It's a never-ending battle between road users. I don't have a problem with cyclists who ride to the side of the road and obey the law but when you have to deal with large groups of them riding all over the road with a complete disregard for everybody else it becomes a bit much.

Cyclists over road

I used to live at the end of the peninsula in Adelaide, about 30 minutes from the city centre. Every weekend, the Lycra army would be out in force cycling up and around what is know as the Outer Harbor Loop. A road that forms a large part of the Outer Harbor Loop was also the only route to my old house meaning that I had no choice but to use it every day.

This road not only has large cycle lanes on the edge, but there’s also a second cycle lane next to the footpath as well which is off the road (for the cyclists reading this, that means that there are two cycle lanes in each direction).

Now, correct me if I am wrong, but the cycle lane is for bikes the same as the road is for cars. Some cyclists however, seem to struggle with this concept, especially when riding in a group. Perhaps this is because the Lycra is wrapped so tightly around their bodies that it is stopping the blood flow into their brains which stops them from thinking logically and behaving like a regular human being.

What’s the difference between red and green? Nothing if you’re a cyclist

The law doesn’t apply if you’re a cyclist

Cyclist memeThe law in South Australia states that cyclists are allowed to ride 2 abreast and must use the cycle lane where available. If they did this, there wouldn’t be an issue and the majority of drivers, myself included, would be more than happy to share the road. However, in the mind of your average cycling gang simpleton, this law translates into ‘ride as many abreast as we want, even if we take up the entire lane of the road because f**k everybody else‘.

I have absolutely no problem with cyclists who follow the road rules. If you prefer to struggle to your destination in a cloud of sweat and grunting instead of getting into a car then that’s your own choice. Hell, I’ve even been known to ride a bike myself on occasion. My problem is with those cyclists who find it hard to follow the law and have absolutely zero consideration for other road users. This is generally the gang cyclist who thinks that they are the next Lance Armstrong.

Many times I have been slowed down by a single cyclist riding out in the middle on the road next to the cycle lane for no reason whatsoever. He even had the cheek to give me the finger when I blasted him with my horn for being an inconsiderate prick. Because you know, f**k me for wanting to drive on the road right?

The Lycra army

It gets worse at this time of year though because of the Tour Down Under. The actual event itself is brilliant and brings lots of tourism to Adelaide. Unfortunately though, this also means that everybody else who lives here thinks they are a professional cyclist. They all want to get in on it, so the old guy down the road thinks that it’s a good time to stretch some old Lycra over his fat gut before perching his neon-clad butt over a bike seat and going for a ride with 700 of his buddies who all look like giant bags of shrink-wrapped cottage cheese with male camel toes.

When they do this, they develop a gang mentality and take up the entire road, they have no regard for the rules or the cycle lanes and when you approach them, they make no attempt to get out of your way. It is simple gang mentality; they think that because they are so many of them that no law (or common respect for other people) applies any more.

The other day I was crossing a busy road on a green ‘walk’ light when a gang of 10 or so rode straight through their red light and nearly hit me. I had to abruptly stop crossing in the middle of the road because they cycled straight through the intersection without a care in the world.

At this time of year, if you are stupid enough for driving up in the Adelaide Hills where the speed limit is 80 kph and there are lots of blind corners. You will often come across groups of 20 or 30 cycling gang members taking up the entire road. It gives your brakes a good workout when you come around a corner to see that but they don’t care, and if you dare say anything you will get blasted by them.

They look like giant bags of shrink-wrapped cottage cheese with male camel toes.

The dilusional mentality of a Lycra clad gang cyclist

Cyclists on the Outer Harbor Loop.
Taken by a friend of mine.

The mentality of your average cycling gang member is perfectly illustrated in this douchebags blog. He actually searches the internet for articles that are critical of cyclists breaking the law, having no regard for other road users and causing a danger on the road. He then tries to defend to cyclists by using a complete lack of logic and reason. He is like the internet warrior version of a cyclist on the road thinking that he is above everybody else. What a cock.

Hopefully his lycra shorts are shorts tight enough to render him incapable of breeding. Thankfully, his last post was in 2010, maybe his bike seat got wedged up his ass forcing him to give up his attempt at what he calls writing. I equate this kind of cyclist to the Nazis defending themselves for attacking the Jews. Everybody, knows that its wrong but they will defend themselves for their actions because f**k you, that’s why.

Because of these comments, I am likely to get cyclists sounding off and attacking everybody else but themselves. This kind of gang cyclist thinks that they are above the law and above all other road users. They are also obviously very thin-skinned because it takes nothing but the slightest criticism to get them all fired up… perhaps that’s why they wear the extra padding in their lycra shorts.

A solution to deal with moronic cyclists

The problem is that people on bikes are not accountable to anybody. Unlike cars, they don’t pay any registration and aren’t required to display any form of identification on their bikes. If they had to display registration plates on their bikes I’m sure that they would think twice about their asshole behaviour on the roads because they would suddenly become accountable for how they act.

angry cyclistUnfortunately, until that happens the rest of us will be stuck sharing the rode with gangs of Lycra-clad assholes who don’t care about anybody except themselves and there is little we can do about it.

I’m not for a second suggesting ramming your car into a group of cyclists. There are people who encourage that kind of behaviour on the internet, but that kind of action should be reserved for rapists and pedophiles, not for people who rape your eyeballs with their choice or clothing and cannot follow the road rules.

Instead I’m suggesting a simple solution. When you finally get past a gang of Lycra-clad dickheads who are taking up the entire road, you could pull in front of them and slow the car down. This would force the cyclists to slow down as well. It isn’t dangerous, but really pisses them off and they go crazy. Be warned though, they will immediately smash your car with their hands because once again, “f**k you for blocking our cycle road with your car and f**k anybody who isn’t on a bike”.

Respect on the road works both ways.

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I'm an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.

3 COMMENTS

  1. Today I tried to turn right. There was an intersection 20 metres behind me, and this was at the base of a whopping great hill. Whopping as in very large and steep. I could see a line of cyclists coming over the crest of the hill, but I assumed that

    A: since the intersection was right there and
    B: the hill was so steep that the momentum would make it dangerous not to slow down and
    C: that I was in plain sight and within a safe turning distance if the oncoming traffic were cars, that they’d actually, y’know, slow down instead of speeding up and trying through the intersection as fast as possible, that
    THEREFORE: I could turn safely.

    Silly me. As it turned out there was an illegally parked 4×4 straight in front of me and I couldn’t complete the turn as my turning circle wasn’t tight enough. So as I tried to get myself out of there I heard a thump and a cry of “fornication!” as an idiot, who’d seen me indicate to turn as he came over the crest of the hill and still tried to zoom in between myself and the 4×4, and instead was introduced to the boot of my car.

    No one hurt and technically my fault. But honestly… if speeding down a steep hill and deliberately gaining momentum towards an intersection, and refusing to slow down for someone who has indicated a turn well in advance and at what should be a safe distance from you, and it would be considered dangerous behaviour if your vehicle is a car, why the hell would you want to do it on a bicycle?

    • Cars generally don’t go as slow as cyclists. They also don’t break the law by riding as a pack of 30, 5 abreast and taking up the entire road thinking that they own it.

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