From Shamwow to Snuggie… I hate infomercials

I guarantee that the next 5 minutes will change your life. What you are about to see is so amazing that you won't be able to control yourself as you reach for the phone to buy one. If you pay with your credit card we will send you 17 of them.

shamwow guy

I hate infomercials on TV. You know; the ones where some idiot is prancing around the screen, proclaiming that whatever cheap Chinese product they are holding is going to change your life forever because it says ‘as seen on TV‘ on the box.

They claim that it is an advanced technology, it is the most amazing thing you have ever seen, it will change your life. No, you are a douchebag who has spent the past 30 minutes hyped up on speed, trying to sell me a fucking cloth.

The Shamwow guy

I honestly hope that the Shamwow guy makes just enough money to hire security guards to accompany him whenever he leaves his house, because I am sure that most of the world wants to kick his smug face into a bloody pulp before soaking up the mess with one of his crappy yellow cloths.

I am sure that most of the world wants to kick his smug face into a bloody pulp before soaking up the mess with one of his crappy yellow cloths.

If it annoys you as much as it annoys me when his smug face appears on the TV, just keep this in mind. According to IMDB, the Shamwow guy once made a self funded movie. It cost him $170,000 to make and grossed a total of $856 at the box office. It also ranks as one of, the worst movies ever made over at IMDB and has been described as an insult to the word comedy. I think about this whenever he appears on TV and the anger it makes me smile.

Why I hate infomercials

There are infomercials for ladders, mops and buckets. Its the same crap that you can buy at a hardware store but hyped up to excess. At least the general hardware store items are practical though, take a look at these items that are so bad any sane person would assume they were parodies. There is even a rag on a stick marketed as the ‘Comfort Wipe‘, for people who enjoy eating deep fried mars bars wrapped in pork fat hence have become so fat that they cannot reach around and wipe their own ass.

Has anybody under the age of 97 ever bought a Snuggie? I cannot believe that they buy 30 minutes of airtime to try and sell people a blanket with sleeves. Whenever an infomercial comes on for the Snuggie I am tempted to call up and buy one so that I have something to smother myself with before Shamwow guy comes back on the TV.

Nobody wants to buy a Snuggie. Nobody under the age of 97 wants jeans that look like pyjamas.  Oh, and if my girlfriend even thinks about buying an Aah Bra, everybody on Facebook will know that is the reason we broke up.

At least the knife guy is somewhat exciting because there is always the distant hope that he will get a little bit too carried away and chop a finger off. If he said, “if I sell 100 knives tonight I will chop my finger off“, I would be straight on the phone buying enough knife sets to give to every person I know.

How to make an infomercial

shamwow guy 2“Call now and we will double your order. If you pay buy credit card we will send you 3”. Well, that’s great because I planned to call tomorrow and pay with beans. What kind of overpriced crap are they flogging to be able to send you 2 extras for free when you buy one. And I don’t even want 1 of your shitty vacuum cleaners so what would I do with 3 of them?

The infomercials with studio audiences amaze me. The producers must surely be hovering around local bars and lacing peoples drinks with drugs, because that is the only way I can imagine that they can get 200 people into studio to cheer and become so pant-wettingly excited over a guy nobody has ever heard of chopping up a carrot.

Whatever the product is that they are ramming in your face, one thing never ceases to amaze me. When they use those before and after shots they think people are too stupid to spot that the before model has a sad face, a wrinkled brow, hair like a hobo and is pasty, whilst the after model is all white teeth, smooth skin, great hair and glowing tan. I swear that half of the weight loss models are not even the same person. don’t even get me started on the terrible overacting.

Now they even have channels dedicated to infomercials on free to air TV. I imagine that every single person watching this is on their death bed and can no longer lift their arm to change the channel because there is no other way that anybody would subject themselves to sitting through hour after hour of this.

I hereby make a plea to the TV executives to stop putting these ads on my TV and show a late night dirty movie instead. Despite the name, even the ‘Magic Bullet‘ doesn’t get me off before I fall asleep.

Update

I guess I didn’t learn anything from my own post. I recently bought a Shark Steam mop (yes because im old now!) from the TV Shop advert, it was a buy one get one free deal so I got 2 for $299 plus all of the accessories. Apparently all up, this is worth like $700 or something (that’s a guess).

A couple of days later I phoned up to return it because its didn’t work properly and they immediately dropped $75 off the price and asked if I want to keep it. I said I’ll think about it and call back. When I called back they immediately dropped it down to $150 to keep both of them (thats $75 each for the mop and all accessories). I said NO, then quizzed him on how they can do that to which he had no decent answer. At least they let me return it without kicking up a fuss though.What does that tell you about TV shopping?

On a positive note, if you ever actually do want to buy something from there, I’ve just taught you how to play them at their own game.

 

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I'm an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.

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