I just watched the YouTube video of Pitbull and Kesha’s new song “Timber” in the hope that it showed a tree falling on both of them. Unfortunately for those of us with musical taste, it didn’t.
We are in the midst of a worldwide problem of Mr Worldwide and there is no solution that I can think of to cure it, other than taking to him with a blunt object. Society frowns on doing things like that so I wouldn’t dare recommend it.
Instead, I’m just going tell you why Pitbull is the worst thing to happen to music since the Village people donned their favourite sparkling party outfits and pranced around singing songs about the Navy.
How Pitbull has ruined music
First of all, I want to give Pitbull the recognition that he deserves. I honestly think that he deserves some kind of award for single handedly ruining commercial music, club music, radio playlists, fashion, facial hair, baldness, smiles and sunglasses all at the same time.
He has achieved all of this whilst also having 59 of the shittest nicknames possible, each of which he reels off one at a time before every one of his songs… Mr 305, Mr Worldwide, Dale… Make up your mind. All of the best nicknames are fitting to the person they describe, so how about just settling on ‘douchebag‘?
Why I Hate Pitbull
I’m not sure that it is possible to put into words how much I hate Pitbull and the audio vomit he passes off as music. When I used to host a breakfast show on the radio I actually nicknamed one of our newsreaders Pitbull because he looked a little bit like him. This was brilliant because every time he was reading the news, it gave me the opportunity to hurl abuse at him.
I know in radio you are not supposed to bag on the artists, but Pitbull is so terrible that I honestly didn’t give a shit. I felt that talking badly about the garbage that he passes off as music was more than worth being called into the bosses office for!
As if his music and complete disregard for coming up with something original isn’t bad enough, I can’t stand the way Pitbull looks. I know its childish to call somebody out about how they look but in the case of Pitbull I really don’t care; I hate his cheesy grin, I hate his bald slaphead, 14 year old boys can grow better facial hair, I hate those ridiculous sunglasses and his suit looks like it was stolen from a Cabbage Patch Doll.
It never ceases to amaze me that in every one of his songs he brags about his sexual prowess and engaging in explicit sex acts with groups of beautiful women, despite the fact that he looks like Mole-Rat from Kim Possible. He is like that guy we all grew up with that talked about sex all the time but no girl actually wanted to go near.
How to make a Pitbull song
Every song he is in has the same tempo, the same rhythm, the same flow, probably even the same lyrics.
All he does stop the song to do a shitty unoriginal rap about shorty getting low in the club and then when he’s done the song resumes again. How is he even able to write this down on paper and think “ohhh dayyyymm, this shit whack… panties gon be hittin tha floor”.
Unfortunately, throughout my years on the radio and DJing I have been unable to avoid hearing an awful lot of the garbage that Pitbull passes off as music. After allowing my eardrums to be raped on a regular basis, I couldn’t help but notice that, in the couple of bits of English I could make out, all he seems to talk about is how great he is, how much money he has and how many “bitches” he has.
In fact, his poor grasp of the English language and rapping skills is probably the reason that he spends the first minute of every track rattling off every single one of his nicknames. Its simply to fill time.
His piss poor attempt at rapping consists of saying random words in English before rhyming words with the same words such as ‘Kodak’ with ‘Kodak’, or ‘everywhere’ with ‘everywhere’ and ‘everywhere’. When rhyming the same words with each other becomes too difficult for his simpleton bald head to manage, he mumbles some crap in Spanish. Even Soldja Boy sounds like a lyrical genius compared to Pitbull.
I feel like it is offensive to real rappers to refer to Pitbull as a rapper so from here on out I will refer to him as a wrapper instead because he has about as much lyrical integrity as a piece of soggy, shit soaked toilet paper.
Why is Pitbull so popular?
But I hear you asking “If Pitbull is so bad, then why are his songs so popular?” The answer to that is easy, it is because they have already been popular before. The music behind every single one of his songs has come from something else in the past, every one a club hit.
At least he spreads the hate around though, sometimes Pitbull chooses to ruin old songs such has ‘Destination Unknown’ by Crystal Waters, or the amazing ‘Push the Feeling on’ by The Nightcrawlers. Whilst other times he chooses to ruin a newer club hits such as ‘Funky Vodka’ by TJR.
I understand that people sample music from others all the time but Pitbull takes it to the extreme. The worst thing about it is that so many people don’t know that he takes his music from elsewhere, instead they think that he is the greatest musician who has ever lived. That’s like comparing the person who slaps together the latest “Now Thats What I Call Music” compilation to The Rolling Stones.
Often whilst DJing I have played the original of a track that Pitbull has later ruined and people have actually come up to me and tell me to play the original… The Pitbull version. It makes me want to stab them in the ears with a fork because they obviously have no use for them.
- Pitbull “raps” over other peoples music and claims it as his own song
- Pitbull hardly ever says anything that makes any sense
- When Pitbull does try to rap he has a tendency to rhyme words with the same word
- When rhyming words with the same word gets too hard, he mumbles shit in Spanish
- Pitbull looks like Mole Rat in a Cabbage Patch Doll suit
Because of this, from now on I’m going to refer to him as Shitbull.
Pitbull’s World Cup song
This is an update to the original post. Pitbull has now written, co-produced and sang the official song for the 2014 FIFA World Cup. Unsurprisingly, it is shit. I’ve analysed it over here.