On weekends I forget about my day job and work as a DJ. This means that instead of spinning around on a chair in an office, I entertain drunk people by playing music at volumes so loud that it should probably come through the speakers with a couple of warning signs and a high visibility jacket.All of this loud music means that the last thing I want to listen to whilst driving home in the early hours of the morning is more music so I will often flick the radio over to talkback.
Talkback radio is so bad that it is good. It is like walking past a car crash; you want to avert your attention away but you can’t. Instead you just sit there and listen whilst it rots your brain.
There are 2 types of talkback radio
For some reason, through the anonymity of radio, people feel the need to phone up and let everybody know about their infected toe or the fungal disease that makes their bumhole swell up until it looked like a baboons ass. They wouldn’t go around telling people this if they bumped into them at the shops, so why do they feel the need to let the entire world know through the radio?
Talkback radio callers are a special breed
I remember a couple of weeks ago, a woman phoned up and she was shouting into the phone about how wronged she feels as an elderly person and that society has forgotten her. This was all because she couldn’t read house numbers at night time and she thought that the council should do something about it. I don’t think that the council has any control over the street numbers people choose to put on their mailbox you silly old bat and if they did I doubt very much that they would care.
Was she expecting everybody to leap up and erect 7 foot tall house numbers in their front yards so that she can see them? I know that some Greek people like to have giant concrete monstrosities in their garden, but I doubt even they would go that far.
Other people are less interesting. Sometimes people phone up to tell everyone about the time that they met a musician that had one hit in 1972 and they were “a very very nice person”. Have you seriously been holding on to that story for 40 years so that you could phone up tonight and bore the shit out of me on my drive home? My drive home is only forty minutes long, bring back the loonies!
My favourite callers though, are the ones who will talk on air for 15 minutes straight, covering 28 completely unrelated topics without a pause for breath. There is absolutely no logic or reason that joins the different things they talk about and it is very confusing to listen to but the host lets them go. There is a fair chance that this is because he is in the kitchen brewing yet another cup of drug laced coffee to get him through the night.
Escaping the pain of talkback radio
At least I can turn the radio off when I have had enough. The poor host has to sit there in the studio all night by himself and listen to it whilst making small talk with these people and feigning a slight bit of interest. The late night talkback host is a brilliant actor.I love listening to the host pretending to sound interested as Mavis drones on about her children (who it turns out are actually pot plants), her dog (who it turns out is actuall dead and mounted on her wall), and the collection of toenail clippings that she found between the sofa cushions on last Saturday night. It is truly brilliant!
The worst thing about late night talkback radio though, is that it is addictive and I cannot turn it off. My girlfriend has actually come out to the garage at 3am to find me sitting in the car 10 minutes after I have pulled in and shut the door.I think I have a weird kind of problem… I might call up the radio and tell them about it.