Sausage stuffed pizza because we’re not fat enough already

Give the fatties their sausage stuffed pizza crust and let nature take its course.

sausage pizza crust

Last night, I was watching TV when an advert appeared for a cheap pizza franchise, who, in a stroke of genius, decided to stuff sausages into the crust of their pizza. I’ve thought long and hard about it but I cannot think of anything worse to eat!

I’ve tried a regular pizza from this franchise before and I still sometimes wake up during the night in a cold, greasy sweat. My local branch sells what I can only describe as reconstituted ass meat left to soak overnight in a vat of oil before being chucked, from the far side of the room onto what I assume is a pizza base.

This culinary art is generally completed by a 14 year old kid who’s face resembles what he is about to put into the oven. Now just add a giant grease filled sausage into the crust of that and you can see the problem.

So sausage stuffed pizza crust is now a thing

At what point in your life do you sit up and think, “I could really go for a pizza right now but there is one thing missing. I feel like the levels of saturated fat that I am about to eat are not quite high enough today so if you could just shove a couple of sausages into the crust that would be brilliant.” At least when you have sausage on the pizza you are sacrificing another ingredient in order to put it on there.

My local branch sells what I can only describe as reconstituted ass meat left to soak overnight in a vat of oil before being chucked, from the far side of the room onto what I assume is a pizza base.

This country is currently going through somewhat of an obesity epidemic with 63% of Australians classed as overweight. The Australian Government have stepped in with a response to to stop us turning fat unhealthy slobs. They have already brought in plain packaging for cigarettes, and now there is serious talk of a ‘fat tax‘ for people who can’t stop eating deep fried chocolate wrapped in bacon. If people cannot control what they put into their bodies and want to slowly kill themselves, I think we should let them do it. If anything, it might cleanse the gene pool a little and maybe we can live in hope that in a couple hundred years the fat slob gene (I’m assuming that is a real thing!) could be wiped out completely.

If the government really wants to do something about the health and the weight of the people in this country they cannot expect a “fat tax” to be the answer. High taxes on cigarettes doesn’t do much to deter people from smoking and a tax on unhealthy food isn’t going to do much to stop people from eating too much junk food.

Before you get carried away and call for my head to be put on a stake, I am not talking about all overweight people, I am talking about a specific group of people. I am talking about the unhealthiest of the unhealthy. I’m talking about the angry, jobless type who have nothing better to do with their time than spend entire days shoving fast food and soft drink down their throats whilst yelling “shut the f*** up you little s***head” at their kids because they can’t hear whats happening on Jersey Shore.

Morbidly obese slobs

I am completely for supporting these people to turn around their lifestyle choices should they want to do that, but unfortunately, the majority of them will never change their attitudes and are happy to live on a Centrelink supported a diet of chips, cola and trash TV.

Gym quote

These morbidly obese slobs then blame everybody else for how they live and become angry at the world because they are so fat that they cannot even wipe their own ass. Yes, some people actually get to the point where they find it impossible to reach around to their behemoth asses in order to wipe the shit from their cracks. And even worse is that there are companies that actually make ass-wipe devices to help these people. They generally breed faster than the rest of us as well.

After a long hard afternoon of body abuse, when  night time comes they have nothing better to do than dress up in their best dollar store lingerie and catch a sexually transmitted disease from whatever male happens to be passing by the bedroom window. The unfortunate outcome of this repulsive act is not only mental scarring for anybody who happens to hear it through the walls, but also the possibility of children… and why stop at 1. Often you see them yelling and screaming at 14 kids in the line at McDonald’s.

The movie ‘Idiocracy‘ was humorous look into a dumbed down future but the way things are going, some people are seriously predicting that one day the unhealthy, stupid people are going to out breed the healthy and intelligent people.

It might sound harsh but I think that the Government should stop getting involved in telling people what to eat, drink and put in their bodies. They should just let people eat whatever they want and do whatever they want to their bodies in the hope that chronic disease kicks in and makes the fat, angry and stupid, psychically incapable of breeding. This could be due to disease or just the sheer logistics of moving 30 kilograms of lard out of the way to find the entry hole, either way, the result is the same.

The rest of us should not be forced to pay for their medical expenses of a person who suffers from an inability to control what they shove in their gob. It has been proven that you cannot educate these people, so stop trying to force it on them. Let them make their own choices and then let nature take its course. Now that i have made my point, I want to finish by saying that in my honest opinion, if I was really drunk, I’m 93.7% sure that sausage stuffed pizza would be the greatest thing in the world.

The trouble is that you can’t tell anybody about how great it is afterwards because I would imagine that the words “last night I got really drunk and enjoyed having my crust stuffed with sausage” is not something you want to go around telling your mates.

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I'm an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.

2 COMMENTS

  1. I actually put it to Health minister Nicole Roxon earlier this year…I actually got a response back basically fobbing me off (surprise, surprise) so I wrote again..and she wrote back….When Gillard became minister, one of her promises was to make Gym memberships tax deductible..like so many other promises, look how that turned out…found this from a few years ago..guess it just needs proper backing like support from the public >>>> http://www.news.com.au/money/money-matters/your-taxes-to-pay-for-gym-trips-of-unhealthy-people/story-e6frfmd9-1226141530446

  2. Good work…love it…We go over and over this type of thing in the fitness industry…. The Govt put all this money into campaigns to curb childhood obesity yet the likes of Macca’s, HJ’s and KFC is still legal and advertised constantly?? It’s not even classified as real food for godsake…however I will say this; sometimes obesity like anorexia and bulimia are symptoms of bigger problems?? kinda like eating your own feelings if you get what I mean. Here’s an idea, Maybe the Govt should make Gym memberships tax deductable for overweight people?? That way no one can whinge that they can’t afford the Gym.

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