Shut up Apple fanboys, nobody wants to hear it

You can't argue with an Apple fanboy because it is like playing chess with a pigeon. It doesn't matter how good you are, the pigeon will just knock all of the pieces over, crap on the board and then strut around like it is victorious.

Apple fanboys

Today I want to talk about a very specific group of people… the Apple fanboy.

I want to make it very clear that I don’t mean everybody that owns an Apple device. Plenty of people use them every day. I am talking about the Apple iSheep elitists who line up to buy the latest device the moment it’s release because it has a slightly bigger screen, slightly more power or a slightly sharper screen.

The Apple fanoby is the person who is completely unable to shut their goddamn mouth about how technologically savvy they think that they are because they own the latest version of every single iDevice ever released. This is despite the fact that the majority of the things on Apple devices are taken from elsewhere or things that Android users have been enjoying for years.

As soon as Apple releases it on one of their devices 2 years later though, Apple fanboys lose their shit over how amazing it is. This happens despite the fact that far from showing you the future, your standard Apple press conferences are more like technology time machines that show you what was new two years in the past.

How to spot an Apple fanboy

If you own an iPod, iPad and an iPhone, that doesn’t automatically make you a fanboy.

If you own an iPod, iPad and an iPhone and think that you are better than everybody else in the world, that does make you a fanboy. Shut up because nobody wants to hear about it.

iSheep follow others and buy the latest Apple product as soon as it is released simply because it is new and has a couple of new features. They probably won’t ever use these features but the simple fact that the features are there means that they can brag about it to anybody who is within earshot. That means that they need to own the latest iDevice at all costs. “OMG THE IPHONE 5GSSSSSS IS OUT. Forget about feeding the children for the next month, I need to upgrade to the latest iPhone 5GSSSSS”

If you are brutally honest with yourself, you only bought all of those Apple products because they were shiny and everybody else has them. Congratulations; you are the human equivalent of a metal detector, picking up shiny things and beeping about it loudly until somebody pays attention.

One thing I have noticed about the majority of Apple fanboys is how they straight out bash something else without having tried it and without being fully informed and without even trying it.

You can’t argue with an Apple fanboy because it is like playing chess with a pigeon.

The fanboy

 I used to own an iPhone. I bought it to see what all the fuss was about but then I developed the ability to think for myself so I sold the iPhone and bought an Android phone. Unfortunately, I still have an iPhone for my work phone so I have a daily comparison between the two devices. That means that I can fairly compare them (at least as fairly as I want to for the sake of this article which in all fairness is anti Apple fanboys).

To help you spot a fanboy, I have found this chart which is so simple, even an Apple fanboy can use it!


The anatomy of a fanboy

Apple or Android

I am not an Android fanboy by any stretch of the imagination. I simply prefer using my Android over the Apple operating system and I prefer the innovation and business ethics of the company.  I am just a regular person who prefers to use Android and Google systems in my every day life. I am not the only one either. Regardless  I don’t feel the need to go around telling everyone I see with an iPhone that I am better than them.

isheepYou only have to walk into Starbucks and you will see hundreds of people taking photos of their lattes with the latest iProduct. Apple products are crazy overpriced for what they are. Unless you are a music producer or a graphic designer, lets face it, a Mac is really just a $2000 Hipster Facebook machine.

Hell, the latest Apple TV advert for the iPad features Jason, a bearded “community activist” who gets up late in the morning, rides a fixie, grows his own vegetables, creates retro artwork, frequents douchey looking cafes and organises everything on his iPad. Great way to break those Hipster stereotypes Apple!

It is no secret that the entire company was built around the idea that Mac users don’t even know how to turn a computer on. That ranks the intelligence of your average elitist Apple fanboy between a tree stump and a dog. Although, I am sure that Apple fanboys would be happy being compared to a dog, because dogs are cool, especially when they are wearing a snapback.

Apple fanboys claim that their devices are revolutionary, but as you can see in this article and this one, all of these so called ‘revolutionary features’ were used on Android long before Apple. The thing that gets me though is that Apple find legal loopholes and then sue these other companies for their trademarks. I don’t know how the legal system lets this happen but it sounds like there is something very wrong.

Innovation – Apple, you’re doing it wrong

The way that innovation works is that somebody creates something, somebody else then copies it and makes it better and so on and so on. In the world of Apple though, somebody invents something, Apple copies it, claims it as their own, than issue a big f**k you to everybody else. They are like the kid at school who copied your homework and got better grades than you because they got there first and told the teacher that you copied them.

In the end, when fanboys attack fanboys on the internet over who has the better phone it is just a pathetic pissing match. Regardless, it is still entertaining for the rest of us to watch. As they say online… I’ll get the popcorn.


I’m an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.


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