Stop with your stupid unnecessary menu adjectives

regardless of how fancy they try to make things sound on the menu, I guarantee that the only thing "divinely juicy" about the hamburger on offer at the seedy pub down the road is what is going to take place in the toilet after you leave.

resturant menu

The English language is a funny thing. There are some pretty awful words around that can anger people in a heartbeat. In Australia it is perfectly acceptable for anybody to call an Italian a ‘Wog’ however, try that in another country and you might find yourself in jail. Whilst calling somebody the ‘n-word’ only seems to be acceptable only if you are covered in gold chains and wearing the waistline of your pants below your crotch.

Some words fire me up more than these traditionally offensive words though. Over time I have learnt that the quality level of the food in a restaurant is indirectly proportional to the number of adjectives used to describe it on the menu. Go to any restaurant and open the menu. Your senses will be assaulted by a succulent barrage of decadent words, heavily peppered around a handful of useful words that describe what you are actually looking to order.

Your senses will be assaulted by a succulent barrage of decadent words, heavily peppered around a handful of useful words that describe what you are actually looking to order.

Somewhere along the line, people decided that using these words would make their establishment seem classy so they thought that they should use them as many times as possible in the space of a single A4 page. No longer can you order a simple tasting platter, instead you have a tasty tasting platter which is full of delightfully tasty morsels.Why does everything “seduce the senses” these days? The last thing I want when I’m eating is for my generically modified beef to be trying for third base with my tongue.

I don’t know about you, but I generally don’t bother putting pants on this evening and walking out the door with the expectation of eating something that tastes like feet forcefully wrapped in toilet paper. For that reason, I expect anything that a restaurant is selling to be good. This then negates the need for them to use all these adjectives on their menus.

Regardless of how fancy they try to make things sound on the menu, I guarantee that the only thing “divinely juicy” about the hamburger on offer at the seedy pub down the road is what is going to take place in the toilet after you leave..

This wanker talk has even extended onto the fast food menu now. Subway are currently offering “succulent zesty lemon chicken” or something like that. I’m glad that they go this far to explain what I am ordering because if they had just written “lemon chicken” I don’t think that I would hand my money over through fear that I would be spending the next 15 minutes chewing my way through a rubbery piece of lemon chicken flavoured meat.

I also don’t care about the level of time spent putting sauce on my pasta. I honestly don’t care if the sauce was “slowly drizzled by our caring chef” or “dumped on by a straight-jacket wearing retard” as long as he doesn’t dribble in my dinner.

I don’t agree with vandalism but I feel like in this case it is justified; Next time you go out, put a black texta in your pocket, and whilst you are browsing the menu feel free to drizzle a big black juicy line through any adjective on the menu that you find unessential. If we all do this maybe people will get the idea. Oh… And if anybody stops you and asks what you are doing just tell them to slowly kiss your slightly pompous but perfectly balanced ass.

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I'm an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.

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