Supermarket shopping drives me insane

I hate supermarkets. Despite what all of the adverts on TV lead us to believe they are not easy, they are not stress free, and I don't recall ever seeing a single person smiling whilst inside one. Unfortunately, biology has dictated to us that we have to eat therefore the occasional supermarket visit is unavoidable.

supermarket trolley

Upon entering a supermarket, you are greeted by a wall made up of hundreds of near-identical brands of essentially the same product. You have regular butter, soft butter, hard butter, margarine, I Can’t Believe its Not Butter, I Definitely Think it is Butter, and the home brand which definitely isn’t butter. How am I supposed to know what to buy?

Shopping smart

Since there is too much on offer and I cannot tell the difference between any of them, I generally just pick the things that are on special because I am a smart shopper and not swayed by the pretty packaging or the marketing. This however, often means that I come home with 40 bags of chips and 16 tubs of coleslaw, feeling proud of myself. My girlfriend however, doesn’t see it the same way as I do and says its not shopping smart its shopping like an idiot.

No matter what supermarket you enter, you will always get stuck behind someone moving slower than a tortoise stuck in honey because they have to stop and analyse the label of every single item on the shelf. They generally do this with their trolley out at a 45 degree angle which stops you from getting past. The words ‘excuse me‘ don’t work because they are too focused on the label, trying to work out which fat is the bad fat according to this weeks research.

They are almost as bad as the people who decide that it is a good idea to have a conversation about whats happening on the TV show Neighbors in the middle of the aisle whilst blocking the way for everybody. I once asked a group of these morons to move and they looked at me with an expression like I had just taken a dump in my hand and rubbed it all over my face.

Ban children from supermarkets

Some people may think that this is a big call but I honestly believe that all children should be banned from supermarkets. Every supermarket in the world continually has a child inside it which is audible from the other end of the store. Whilst the child is screaming at the top of their lungs, the parent either ignores them or yells back even louder with an explicit barrage of abuse. This is yet more proof about why some people should require a licence to have children.

If the children are not screaming at the top of their lungs, then they are pushing the trolley into the back of my legs. After the 10th time it hits your legs you should not be held responsible for turning around and ramming it straight back into the little turds jaw.

Then there are the adult psychos who are quite happy to use their trolley as a battering ram because they have to get to toilet cleaner before you do. I don’t recall, in the entire history of civilistation, that there has ever been a shortage of toilet cleaner. I guess they are just being prepared in case the unthinkable does happen and 8000 people all come in the door at once wanting to buy a bottle of Harpic’s finest.

You are playing with your life at end of every isle as well, in case one of the aforementioned trolley psychos happens to be lurking, waiting to slam you back to where you came from round the corner from the opposite direction with eyes only for the tin of baby carrots on the shelf.

Supermarket checkout politics

You think that it is all over, but once you have finished grabbing sale items from the shelf. Before you are allowed to exit, you still have to negotiate the gauntlet of the checkout.

Don’t go to the 10 items or less line, because every single person in it will have more items than everybody in the regular checkout lines put together. To bypass the unavoidable rage that develops whilst standing behind them, you should not enter the 10 items or less line.

You should avoid any checkout that has an elderly women in it as well. It is a scientific fact that whatever the cost in dollars of their grocery bill, it will take them exactly the same amount of time in years to count out the change from their coin purse. If there is not an elderly lady waiting at the checkout, it is almost guaranteed that as soon as you enter the line, a wild child will appear ready to start slamming the back of your legs with its trolley again. This means that the regular lines should be avoid also.

The only solution then is to do it yourself at the self-service checkout. Despite the name, you will still require assistance as it won’t work correctly and will require an attendant to type in their pin code 3 times before the transaction is complete. You can easily bypass this yourself though, because I have noticed that they all seem to use the code 1234.
I have therefore decided that the best option in regards to shopping at the supermarket is to find yourself a partner to do the grocery shopping for you.

If this is proving difficult because she insists that you go with her, just remember… You only need to loudly offer her advice on sanitary products once to get a lifelong ban on accompanying her to the supermarket.


I’m an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.