Valentines Day rant… I hate Valentines Day!

The 14th of February is fast approaching. For those of us with a partner, it is Valentines Day. For the singles it is simply V-Day, or quite fittingly, VD. I hate Valentines Day... This is why.

Valentines Day

Valentines Day is a day when society dictates to you that you must ‘surprise’ a girl with something that she expects to receive anyway. I am pleased to say that my girlfriend has the same view as me about it… She doesn’t give a crap either.

If you haven’t yet noticed… I hate Valentines Day. It is a mandated cultural event marketed as the most romantic day of the year. In reality though, it is a money making scheme created by the evil collective minds of Cadbury, Hallmark and the flower industry, with the sole purpose of making guys feel guilty enough to hand over their money in exchange for shitty, overpriced gifts for the woman in their life.

Valentines Day is just a marketing scheme

Don’t be a sucker for Valentines Day romance. Everything the slightest bit romantic goes up in price for one day a year and no matter how hard you try, it is next to impossible to find a gift that doesn’t scream ‘I’m a tightass unloving bastard‘.

Have you ever noticed that you don’t see girls as much in the days leading up to Valentines Day? This is because they are all in bathrooms, standing in front of the mirror, practicing their surprised faces so that they can mask the disappointment when they receive the thing that their partner has literally put 7 seconds of effort into.

People spend too much money on Valentines Day

According to a report by the National Retail Association, the average American will spend $130.97 if in a relationship, or $175.61 if a single male. I don’t know where they got these figures from, because I thought every single American was broke at the moment?

The 14th of February is fast approaching. For those of us with a partner, it is Valentines Day. For the singles it is simply V-Day, or quite fittingly, VD.

Anyway, gift giving on Valentines Day is meaningless. In all honesty, if you are a shitty boyfriend every other day of the year, on Valentines Day you will simply be a shitty boyfriend with flowers. If you truly love somebody then you will make them feel special every day of the year, not just give them a crappy cheap box of chocolates bought from a service station and a $29 teddy bear that says “I love you” when you squeeze its tummy.

Finding the perfect Valentines Day gift

Valentines Day gifts fall into two categories… they are either small, crap gifts that give the message ‘I don’t really love you‘, or large crap gifts that have only been purchased in the hope of getting a girl into bed. In truth though, the only way that a guy will get her into bed is if their tacky gift is better than the 200 other tacky gifts she is going to receive from ‘a secret admirer’.

Although a giant teddy bear is enough to get her pants wet at the time. As soon as you have finished in the sack, she will realize that she now has to find somewhere to put it. That means that your $300 lefesized teddy will turn into an expensive safe-haven for dust mites as it lays forgotten in the attic.

If sex is all you are after then, it would be cheaper to just pay for a hooker. Actually, you will be much happier (and STD free) if you just forget the whole thing and give yourself a bit of self-love instead.

The truth is that, unless it vibrates, she doesn’t really want anything for Valentines Day either. She only feels like she does because society tells her that she deserves to feel artificially special for this one, marketing induced day per year.

Valentines Day cards

valentines day memeSomething I understand even less than the gifts, is the giving of mass-produced Valentines day cards. Can somebody please explain to me, the point of going out to a shop and spending a couple of dollars to buy some insincere bullshit printed on a pretty piece of mass-produced cardboard that a graphic designer has created for whatever woman happens to receive it on 14th of February.

Do girls actually feel special when reading the sappy statements inside a $2 Valentines card? If you are a woman and you are impressed by that, then I am worried that you may succumb to a heart attack should you ever see the magic that is ink flowing from a pen inside a hand made card.

Public displays of affection

There is one thing that I hate about Valentines Day which stands above all others though. That is, the encouragement it gives to those annoying couples that like to declare their love to each other through sloppy tongue embraces whenever they are out in public. Every second Facebook status they write is about how much they love their partner, or a photo of them kissing, framed with heart graphics that look like they were created by an 8 year old.

For some reason, Valentines Day leads these couples to believe that they need to step it up a level and prove to people how much more loving than normal people. Maybe if you loved each other so much, it would be nice if you went off and died together in a Romeo and Juliet inspired scenario to save the rest of us from having to see it.

And as for all those stupid “Roses are red, violets are blue” poems… Violets are purple you idiots!

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I'm an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.

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