If roads were wide open and nobody else used them, driving would be just as brilliant as the car ads on TV portray.
Unfortunately though, real life isn’t like television and the trouble with living in a city is that you don’t get your own private roads. Instead, you get public roads, covered with potholes and packed with thousands of bad drivers, each one showing a complete disregard for others.
Through many years of driving, I have managed to categorise bad drivers into three distinct groups. There is the ‘stupid bad driver‘, the ‘selfish bad driver‘, ‘and the ‘douchebag bad driver‘.
Stupid Bad Drivers
The stupid bad driver is the moron who lacks the brain capacity to drive like a normal person. Instead of looking at a situation and thinking about it logically, the stupid driver chugs along in their own little world blissfully unaware of the world around them.
It isn’t that they don’t want to care about the others around them, the problem is that their brains are actually so tiny that they are unable to comprehend more than one thing at a time. This is why you will often spot a stupid bad driver stopped in the middle of the road. What has happened, is that in the middle of attempting a maneuver that requires them to think about multiple things at the same time, their brain and body has suffered a complete overload and shut itself down.
The stupid bad driver will not look before pulling out in front of you and despite the fact that you are forced to lock up your car in a smoking, screeching skid, they still do not notice as you stop just millimetres from their rear bumper. Instead they just continue to accelerate down the road at the speed of continental drift, without a care in the world.
The selfish bad driver also does not comprehend the concept of merging lanes. They seem to think that when merging onto a freeway with a 110kph speed limit, the optimum speed is about 65. This is never going to work so they are often forced to stop at the end of the merging lane because they cannot understand the concept of needing to be travelling at the same speed as the other lane to merge. This means that everybody behind them is forced to brake and slow down making merging difficult for them also.
Stupid bad drivers must all suffer some unfortunate motor neuron disease which causes them to twitch and shake because they all seem to brake every 5 seconds for no reason. Half the time they don’t even slow down, they just flash their lights for the sake of flashing their lights which is a sure-fire way to piss off the drivers behind them.
Selfish Bad Drivers
Equally annoying on the roads is the selfish bad driver. The selfish bad driver also lacks the intelligence to realise that they are a danger on the road, the difference being that unlike the stupid driver who lacks the mental capacity to notice, the selfish bad driver doesn’t care.
The selfish bad driver is the one who will potter along in the fast lane of the freeway at 20kph under the speed limit despite the fact that there is nobody else around. Every time I approach one of these selifish drivers I know that regardless of how long I drive behind them, they are going to stay put in the fast lane.
I always hope that sanity will prevail and that they will do the right thing and move the hell out of the way, but they must have broken rear view mirrors, because they never do. This forces you to undertake on the inside lane with the fear that they are so unaware of their surroundings that they will decide to change lanes right into the side of your car.
The selfish bad driver can also often be seen braking half a kilometer before a sliplane and then half pulling their car in whilst leaving the other half out in the road causing everybody following them to slow down to an almost stop as they turn.
Much like the stupid bad driver, the selfish bad driver also does not understand merging traffic. They will generally drive alongside a car in the other lane and wait for them to either speed up or slow down to let them in.
Selfish drivers are also good at pulling out in front of you but unlike the stupid driver who does it because they don’t notice you. The selfish driver does it because they don’t care and then forces you to slow right down whilst they accelerate away at a speed that would lose to a snail in a race.
Douchebag Bad Drivers
Whatever it is that a rational driver would do in a situation on the road, the douchebag driver will do the exact opposite because in their minds, they own the road and will tailgate, swerve and do whatever they please. They drive as they please in order to save a couple of seconds, whilst completely unbothered by the consequences. Much like the person who writes ‘K’ instead of ‘OK’ in a text message. I would really like to know what they do with the couple of seconds that they save.
These are the worst of all drivers on the road because unlike the selfish or stupid bad drivers, douchebag drivers are 100% aware of how they are acting and they don’t care. There are generally 2 varieties of douchebag driver; the bearded, scruffy, bogan variety, or the young spikey haired teenager. Both are likely to be driving a rusted out piece of crap and both should be neutered to stop them from passing on their bad habits to any future generations.
They have a complete disregard for the safety of everybody else on the road. They are far to concerned with themselves and are too stupid to realise that the other people on the road have to deal with their actions and alter their driving accordingly so as not to be involved in an an accident. This often involves braking so hard that it would have been more comfortable to have actually hit them. Of course, whilst this is all happening, the douchebag driver is too far down the road to even care what he leaves in his wake.
You will often find this driver weaving in and out of traffic and cutting from the far left lane to the far right lane at a 90 degree angle, often with only inches to spare between cars. They tailgate aggressively and are more than happy to sideswipe your car as they barge their way past.
They are also eager to blast their horn at you because it is your fault for being in their way. This is obviously true because they indicated for a split-second before diving across 3 lanes and the front of your car therefore you are expected to have seen them coming and moved out of they way in order to allow them their God-given right to own the road.
Like all bad drivers, the douchebag bad driver does not understand merging lanes either. A considerate driver who is behind others trying to merge, will pull into a space in the traffic and leave enough room in front for the cars in front of them to pull in. A douchebag driver will, at the first possible moment, put their foot down and pull out from behind all of the other cars trying to merge and scream past, stopping everybody else from merging in the process, completely cocking up what should be a seamless system.
I am not about to make an argument for drink driving because there is no excuse for it, but I want to make one point.
A person who is normally a sensible and rational driver, but who has had a couple of drinks and is boarderline over the limit, is still a far better driver than any of the three types of driver I mentioned above. However, if they are pulled over by the police and breathalysed, this person will have to suffer the consequences and will have their car taken immediately. If a stupid, selfish or douchebag driver gets pulled over, unless they are actually spotted doing something wrong, they will drive away with no more than a warning or a fine, to cause more carnage on the roads.
How about taking driving tests a step further and developing a fucktard test that assesses your mental capacity not to be a danger on the roads either through stupidity, selfishness or sheer douchebaggery.