Suburban lawn care

There are 24 hours in a day and I like to spend a good proportion of them asleep in my very comfortable but far too expensive bed.

The hours that I am awake are shared between working, eating and sitting on my ass watching F-list celebrities prancing around on television because there is absolutely nothing else on these days. Regardless, I have little time to be bothered with maintaining a lawn.

I can think of many things that would be a much better use of my time, such as starting a campaign to get One Direction banned from Australian radio or working on a way to un-invent Nicki Minaj.

The never ending chore of mowing the lawn

Maintaining a lawn has now become an issue however, because a year ago I built a house with my girlfriend. Well… when I say that we built a house I actually mean that we paid far to much money to get other people to put some faulty electrical points and dodgy plumbing in between 4 walls and a roof.

Some of the more sensible people in the area opted to landscape their front gardens with rocks and native plants which are pretty much self sustaining and don’t require much care.

My girlfriend however, was intent on having a lovely green lawn across the front of our house. I learnt this a few months before we moved in when, much to my surprise, for Christmas, I was given a push lawnmover. Apparently that was also a hint that it would be my job to maintain and cut the grass because the only shrubbery she will maintain is that in her pants (not that that is a bad thing).

Anyway, because our house was built in a new development, we have to maintain a certain standard of garden care. Believe it or not, somewhere along the line I actually signed my name to a document holding me to this and therefore locking me into a lifetime of cutting grass.

In America, people have been sent to prison for not maintaining their lawn to an acceptable neighbourhood standard. Thankfully, I haven’t heard of this happening in South Australia yet and that probably has something to do with the fact that South Australia is one of the driest areas in the world therefore making the task of having a nice lawn next to impossible.

It is impossible to have a nice lawn in Australia

It is remarkably difficult to have a normal green lawn in this part of the world and it would require the equivalent of an Olympic sized swimming pool of water to be emptied on it each day which, incidentally would cost the same as filling up an Olympic sized swimming pool each day.

Because of the climate, this meant that we had to go for a particularly hardy and quick growing type of grass so that we don’t spend our days caring for a patch of brown but instead could have something a little bit closer to green.

The trouble is that this kind of grass spreads like a disease and grows across everything. The creepers grow down drains, through the gaps in the driveway and even underneath bricks then up through the garden bed. It is practically a full time job to maintain it.

Now, back to the push lawnmower which, aside from Nicki Minaj, is the stupidest invention in all of history. My girlfriend obviously doesn’t understand the difficulty in keeping this grass in check. It took me 6 months of strain, stress and eventually only a complete refusal to cut the grass along with a promise not to cut my leg off made her agree to let me buy a lawnmower with an engine in it.

This lawnmower with an engine has made the upkeep of the lawn slightly easier once I develop the willpower to actually get my ass up off the sofa and use it. Belive it or not, among much kicking and screaming from me, the grass now gets cut once every few weeks.

The losing battle of having green grass

The trouble is, that although I have to cut the grass, it is actually greener when it is allowed to grow and every time it is cut it goes brown due to our stupid South Australian climate. This means that we have a choice of our neighbours frowning upon us for having long grass or our neighbours frowning upon us for having brown grass.

It is a losing battle but there are a couple of good things about having grass. It smells alright when im cutting it, plus I can now become the guy that every child hates as I yell at them to “get off my lawn“.

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I’m an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.


  1. I am sure I can think of something even more stupid to do than work on your lawn, but I am afraid I do not have that much time to waste on such things.

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