The crazy world of health food and eating seeds

Im not an unhealthy eater, but then again, my version of "clean eating"involves going in the shower before heading to the takeaway shop.

eating bird seed

These days, science and the media change what they are telling us about healthy food on a daily basis. One day you should eat apples, the next day simply looking at one will make your fingers fall off and give you cancer. Today you should eat chocolate because it will cure all kinds of diseases, but be careful though because tomorrow eating chocolate will cause you to put on a pink tutu and listen to Nickleback.

At the moment, everybody seems to be saying that ‘seeds’ are the new diet superfood. Now I am not a scientist but I’ve spent some time thinking about this and arrived at the conclusion that eating seeds must send you insane. Because how else could people possibly think that selling seeds to humans was a good idea?

My version of clean eating

Im not an unhealthy eater, but then again, my version of “clean eating” involves going in the shower before heading to the takeaway shop.

The other day, in a momentary lapse of judgement, I actually went into a shop that was selling seeds to people under the thin guise that they could be eaten as a meal. In the 10 minutes that I was standing there, I came to the conclusion that a budgie would be the only living thing happy to eat this poor excuse for a food. And that is only if it doesn’t choose to use the seeds as a toilet instead.

Apparently seeds are high in iron, magnesium, zinc and other minerals. That means you would, in fact, get exactly the same nutritional benefit from eating a handful of dirt. Actually, depending what’s recently walked over it, the dirt might taste a bit better too.

You would get the same nutritional benefit from eating a handful of dirt. Depending what has recently walked over it, the dirt might taste a bit better.

I’m not a bird. After feeling around my rear end, I can assure you that I don’t have a cute little fluffy tail therefore I am not a rabbit either. That means I’d like to eat real food.

When cavemen got hungry they ate vegetables or killed an animal and cooked it on an open fire. They didn’t prance around holding a mocha-choco-soy-latte-pressochino in one hand whilst throwing seeds into their mouths with the other.

Healthy food for office workers

It doesn’t stop at just eating seeds though, these days you can actually buy seeds which have been ground up into a smoothie too.

You only have to walk around the city centre at lunchtime to see office workers drinking juice that looks like the nasal contents of a sick child whilst clutching something that looks like a clump of dried mud in their other hand.

Every day, they hold their snot-filled cups up high like a trophy as they walk through the city like they are recreating the birthing scene from the ‘Lion King’ in an egotistical “look at me and how fucking healthy I am”, sort of way. Im sure that if you asked, many of them wouldn’t be able to tell you what the apparent health benefits of drinking these drinks are.

Any normal person could not possibly enjoy drinking ground up seeds, so I can only assume that the air-conditioning in their offices has sucked their tastebuds dry leaving them with the primitive taste sensation of a fly.

I’m not even sure if flies have tastebuds, but if they do, just remember that they like to eat shit.

What are the benefits of eating seeds?

Even worse than what they look like and how they taste, is how much all of these new-age health foods cost. Acai, Goji berries, coconut water; it is all twice the price of real food. People selling this stuff are taking us for a ride and people are literally eating up their bullshit. On that note, bullshit might actually taste better, especially if you enjoy eating seeds.

Lets suppose for a second that the proclaimed health benefits of eating birdseed are true. How much longer are you really going to live for? Living to 82 instead of 80 isn’t really worth a lifetime of not enjoying what you are eating, either way you are likely to be a dribbling mess by the time you reach 80. If you have spent your life eating seeds and they do indeed have their proclaimed benefit you will just be a dribbling mess for an extra 2 years.

Even if you do want to live for that extra 2 years, you would have lost more than the extra 2 years you live for in time spent removing the horrible taste from your mouth each time you gobble up a handful of TweetyNip. I imagine that it would be more enjoyable to eat a spoonful of flour

A balanced diet

I’m not saying that you should not pay attention to what you are eating, because healthy, balanced diet is essential so that you dont end up like this. I also understand why people might not want to eat food that has been covered in chemicals. I would rather eat something more on the natural side, it tastes better and it is healthier for you. In fact, I buy all of my fruit and vegetables from a local shop and it is 10 times better that the crap you get in the supermarket.

Stand back, think about it for a second, then throw that handful of seeds into the birdcage and make yourself a chicken salad. Call me crazy, but I would much rather eat a regular healthy meal that tastes good than a handful of seeds.

If you can sell me on the health benefits of eating seeds, please do so in the comments section.

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I’m an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.

1 COMMENT

  1. I don’t usually comment on blogs, or anywhere on the Internet really, but man this was hilarious! This is just about one of the funniest posts I’ve read in awhile.

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