I hate flying, and for good reason. You enter the airport terminal hours early so that you can get onto a glorified bus to be shot through the sky at a couple hundred kilometres an hour to another unexciting Australian city.
Next time you are in a domestic airport terminal, take a look around. Unlike those lucky people who are in the international terminal because they are travelling to somewhere exotic, everybody inside the domestic terminal looks bored and ready to kill someone.
First stop is the security checkpoint. I obviously fit the generic airline description for a drug-smuggling bomb-maker, because every time I go to travel on a plane I become the proud recipient of a full body exam and drug test. That isn’t even an exaggeration, it happens every single time without fail.
The stress of flying
As soon as the flight is called for boarding, something happens that has baffled scientists since the beginning of aviation. Despite the fact that you are all leaving on the same plane at the same time, everyone seems to want to get into the pressurized tube first. This causes an elephant-like stampede to the gate which is normally lead by a psychotic elderly person who has barged their way through from the back using their walking stick as a weapon.
It makes much more sense to take your time because who the hell wants to spend an extra 10 minutes sitting in a disease infested seat watching everybody else board.
Now I’m not a big guy, but once you have boarded the plane and taken your seat, you should take a moment to be amazed by how the airlines have figured out how to fit you into a space 20% smaller than the size of your body. It is an amazing feet of engineering. The same people who designed the plane obviously designed the Smart Car.
Pay attention to the safety briefing
The odds of sitting next to somebody pleasant smelling on a flight are next to zero. In fact you probably have more chance of being seated next to Georgio Armani himself than somebody wearing one of his perfumes. Regardless, you are stuck next to the person for the next few hours so get used to it. Remember, if the plane goes down, this is the last thing you will ever smell.
Airline cabin crew seem to all be called Jenni or Steve and in general, they seem to be better looking and happier the more expensive the airline. The cabin crew on more expensive airlines would still be smiling if they saw you put a baby in a microwave, whilst the majority of those on budget airlines look like they want to kill you for asking for a glass of water. To be fair, this is probably because they spend their days dealing with grumpy salesmen who are pissed off at their company for making them fly cattle class on a budget airline.
Next, its time to buckle up as the cabin crew tell you to “pay attention to the safety briefing even if you fly regularly“. I don’t know why they bother, because not much has changed in the past 20 years. Whether you are wearing a seatbelt or not, if a plane crashes, there is only one way you are going and that is down towards the very hard ground at a very high speed.
Regardless, they still tell you all about the emergency doors and the life jackets with whistles and lights. I’m still not sure why life jackets have lights and whistles on them, it is obviously in case the plane crash lands in middle of rave party. Whatever the reason, don’t start blowing on the whistle mid-flight and yelling “put your f**king hands up“… It doesn’t go down to well.
I’m not sure why life jackets have lights and whistles on them. Is it in case case the plane crash lands in middle of rave party?
Airline food sucks
The moment that the seatbelt light is turned off, a Jenni will appear with a trolley and offer to empty a pot of cold coffee into your lap and give you food poisoning in exchange for $100. Don’t get the food unless you managed to smuggle a circular saw on board with you because those shitty plastic knifes are probably going to snap before cutting through it.
That doesn’t seem to put some people off the food though. The other day I flew to Melbourne and just a few minutes into the flight 2 Jenni’s came past with a trolley full of snack food. The guy sitting in the seat in front couldn’t even go for a 45 minute flight to Melbourne without buying a bag of chips, a chocolate bar, a muffin and a soft drink.
You’ve reached your destination
Before landing they tell you to make sure that all electronic devices are turned off so that the plane doesn’t blow up.
I have always wondered how true this claim really is, because I’ve never heard of a plane blowing up due to somebody leaving their phone turned on. Private planes allow passengers to use mobile phones during flights and they don’t periodically fall out of the sky. Remember that you are also supposed to turn your mobile phone off at the service station when filling up your car. I don’t think anybody in the history of mankind has ever turned their phone off before filling up the car. Supposedly then, we should all be leaving a trail of exploded petrol pumps in our wake.
Whether the plane is likely to blow up or not, I always turn my phone off because otherwise a Steve will get angry and may wrinkle his shirt. One time I forgot to do this during a flight from England to Australia. The plane didn’t blow up.
Once the plane has landed and stopped at the gate, everybody fights with each other to get off like it is about to burst into flames (probably because somebody left their phone turned on). I’m not sure why, because everybody has been on that plane for so long that another couple of minutes really aren’t going to make much difference.
Regardless, they all stand up as quickly as possible and grab their bags before standing there like a moron because they can’t actually get off the plane until everybody else moves first. If everybody just calmed the hell down and let the people at the front off first, we would all be able to get off much quicker.
Once you finally get off of the aircraft, you get to spend the next hour walking through the airport whilst the only thought in your head is that you get to do the whole thing all over again in a couple of days for the return flight.
Cheese, burping, chocolate orgasms and that damn neck pillow… click here to read about the time I sat next to the worst airplane passenger in the world.