I have already written about why I hate supermarkets, but there is one shopping experience worse than the supermarket and that is a lunch time visit to the mecca of western culture… The shopping mall.
Now, despite the sheer abundance of shitty cooking shows on televison, neither myself nor my girlfriend are Masterchef’s yet. Therefore I jump at the opportunity to buy something for lunch from a cafe or takeaway so that I don’t have to suffer through last nights dried out chicken again.
The hell of a visit to the shopping mall
There is a shopping mall near my workplace and this mall is the only place I can get something to eat during my lunch break. So, with the daily lunchtime clock counting down, I hop in the car and drive to the mall, only to find myself unable to park.
On any weekday it is next to impossible to find a park because the car park is full of people who have the entire day to hang around at the mall but choose to get out of bed late in the morning and arrive there just in time to mess up the 30 minutes us working people have to quickly grab something to eat.
Once I eventually find a park, the next task is to run the gauntlet of smokers and smelly teenagers hanging around in the doorways. We have laws in South Australia that state people cannot smoke within 2 metres of a doorway. The council have therefore painted yellow lines on the ground to show where people are not allowed to smoke but that doesn’t stop desperate people from lighting up as they are still inside the centre so that they lean forwards and hit their first drag the moment they cross the line. Is anybody really so desperate to get lung cancer that they cannot wait an extra second until they are away from the doorway before lighting up?
Smelly teenagers at the shopping mall
Holding your breath so that you don’t inhale their smoke is probably a good idea anyway, since doing so has the double effect of also protecting you from the body odor of smelly teenagers. They seem to be incapable of actually entering the mall, instead they prefer to loiter in the doorways yelling at each other and running around like 5 year olds, getting their stench on their surroundings.
Despite the fact that they should probably be in school. There are 2 types of smelly teenager at the mall. The type that smells like body odor and the type that doesn’t, because they mask the smell with that essential teenage requirement of far too much Lynx deodorant. I am a firm believer that deodorant should be a requirement not an option, and security guards should have the ability to remove people for offending the nasal passage of any member of society that values personal hygiene.
I go shopping with a purpose so get out of my way
When I enter a shopping mall, whether it is for lunch or an actual shopping trip, I have a purpose. I know what I want and most of the time I know where to get it from, therefore my goal is to get in and out as fast as humanly possible. However, that is not possible because once you are inside, you are immediately stopped by a wall of slow walking mall zombies.
It is like an episode of the walking dead has come to life,and I’m not only talking about the locals looking and smelling like the undead. I understand that for some people, a weekday spent at the shopping mall is a leisurely way to spend your time but for others, it is merely a necessity for us to get lunch so that we don’t starve in the middle of a workday.
Even worse are the people that, for no actual reason decide to just stop or dramatically change direction whilst walking whilst remaining completely oblivious to their surroundings. Instead of forcing me to weave left and right like Rihanna trying to avoid a punch from Chris Brown, shopping centres should employ a system like they use on the roads and force slow walkers to keep to the left. This would leave the middle area for us fast walking people who actually have somewhere to be and are not just hanging around wasting time.
How to make a trip to the shopping mall fun
I have a solution though, which will allow you to exit the shopping mall with a little bit of sanity. Simply print off the bingo gamecard below and take it with you to turn a stressful experience into a fun game. I guarantee that in a single trip to Elizabeth, you will cross off all of the boxes.