Home Serious Astrology and horoscopes are bullshit

Astrology and horoscopes are bullshit

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As crazy as it sounds, millions of people believe in astrology and horoscopes, hanging off of every word uttered by ageing hippies who smell like a cross between hemp and coffee. Whilst in the presence of these all-knowing hippies, they have a gormless expression of their faces that I can only describe as the Lana Del Ray; its an expression like they have just farted and are both shocked and disappointed in themselves.

astrology

First of all, Astrology shouldn’t be confused with Astronomy. Astronomy is the study of the planets. We cannot argue with it because studying the physical make-up of planets is a real thing that exists, you only have to look outside at night to see them.

Astrology on the other hand, is a 2000 year old form of bullshit that assumes there is some kind of mystical correspondence between a persons destiny and the position that the sun and moon were in when they were born; that is not real, it is something that is MADE UP by bearded idiots in purple gowns.

There are people who make life-changing decisions on their health, finance and careers based on the bullshit, made-up advice that astrologers give them. Advice that they get from random fucking star charts, cards and crystal balls.

The truth about horoscopes and astrology

The truth is that stars are nothing more than giant, inanimate, orbs of rock and gas floating in the vacuum of space. They don’t dictate your life any more than the pile of rocks in your front garden dictate your life. The stars do not give a shit about you, or your job, or your finances, or your personality, or anything else because they are fucking rocks.

Funnily enough for something based on the time and date of your birth, the moment of birth is the first place where the whole messed up concept of astrology and horoscopes breaks down. Why is the moment of birth, rather than time spent in the womb crucial for astrology? If astrology is based on the alignment of the stars and their gravitational pull, what does a thin layer of flesh and blood do to protect a baby from this stuff? If gravity didn’t work through flesh and blood, we would all be floating in the sky right now.

The truth is that the person delivering the baby has more gravitational effect on it than any planet or star in the universe besides the one that we live. Therefore it would be more effective to make astro(il)logical predictions based on the size of the midwives stomach.

Planets are discovered, promoted and demoted all the time. Hell, Pluto didn’t even become a planet until the 1930s and now it has been demoted back to not a planet any more, does this mean that every horoscope between 1930 and 2006 was wrong?

I have heard people say that you cannot call astrology fake because you cannot prove it isn’t real. Well that would be true, if astrology didn’t make predictions on things which can be tested and quantified meaning that you can prove they are wrong. You don’t need to know every secret of the universe to rule out astrology, just like you don’t need to know every secret of the universe to know that the Tooth Fairy isn’t real!

There has been plenty of proof that astrology and horoscopes work on averages and best-guess assumptions however there is NOTHING that proves astrology to be real. If it was true and based on fact, why do horoscopes of the same zodiac sign in different newspapers differ so much? If horoscopes weren’t complete bullshit, there would be at least a little bit of similarity between the different publications.

Why your horoscope is a numbers game

Many people believe in astrology because they think it has proven itself to them. Well of course it has, because the generalised assumptions that are given to them are so fucking vague that they are bound to be true for some people. There are 7 billion people on earth, lets assume then, that 19.2 million people were born on the same day as you, there are 12 star signs, that’s 583 million people who have the same star sign as you thus will have the same horoscope as you.

Your horoscope tells you something so generalised and common that it will have occurred to everyone. Take my horoscope below taken, as a screenshot from www.horoscope.com on the day I am writing this post.

Horoscopes

Now, lets break it down:

Too much work and the resulting pressure over the past few days may have you feeling too tired to do anything more, Scorpio, although your optimism and enthusiasm are still intact. Well, as an adult you can safely assume that I have a job. Any job is bound to have busy days and, considering this is a Wednesday, its likely that ill be feeling a little tired, you know, after Monday and Tuesday.

Don’t be too hard on yourself if you’re dragging by the end of the day. How fucking insightful… Doesn’t everybody drag at the end of the day, especially after a work day (today is Wednesday remember).

If you take care of yourself, you will soon recharge and be your old self again. In the evening, read a good book. Now I totally believe this part…  Only due to the amazing ability of the human body to rejuvenate itself after a night of rest though. You know, like everybody else.

The multi-million dollar astrology industry

It is scary to think that because of the sheer number of people sucked into believing in astrology, it has developed it into a multi million dollar industry with premium-rate phone numbers, late night TV shows and subscription websites.

Horoscope memeWhen you call one of these lines, how do you know that on the other end of the phone isn’t just some unwashed creepy old man, sat in his lounge room with no pants on, making stuff up and masturbating to the sound of your voice whilst charging you $10 a minute for the pleasure?

People take the astro(il)logical advice seriously and alter their lives based on what astrologers tell them. This isn’t just stupid, Its completely irresponsible, immoral and unethical on the part of the person giving the advice. You wouldn’t take medical advice from a hippy on a street corner, but put a crystal ball in their hands and suddenly they become some sort of guru.

I have met people before who have asked my star sign and then immediately told me that they didn’t like me because of it. Deciding on your comparability based on starsigns and horoscopes is like walking up to somebody who you have never met before and saying you don’t like them because of their gender of the colour of their skin. They are working on the same principles as racism; the idea that a persons behaviour is based solely on how they were born not who that person is.

And a final argument against astrology

As a final argument for anyone who still believes that astrology and horoscopes are real. I would like to remind you that astrology is not only from ancient times, but it is also based on a geocentric idea of the universe. That means, to take astrology seriously a person has to renounce the belief that the earth revolves around the sun… something else proven by real science.

If your life is a failure, blame yourself, blame your parents, blame your friends, blame anybody except the stars because the stars don’t give a shit about you. You are in charge of your own destiny.

I don’t believe in astrology… but us Scorpios are skeptical like that.

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I'm an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.

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4 COMMENTS

  1. Do a quick check on google for your horrorscope from different sites/sources, they all say completely vague and very often conflicting things. If there was some method of divination to it they would all be startlingly similar readings but the very fact nearly every reading is different and so often conhflicting proves that none of these Astrologer guys really has a frikken clue what they are talking about.

  2. It always amazes me to learn that “astrology is bullshit” is news to anyone, yet clearly it is to millions of people.

    As someone pointed out in a book I read (I forget which book, but I think it was by Richard Dawkins, although it might have been Carl Sagan), because of the great distance from us of the “planets” (it’s in quotes because you’re right about planets promotions and demotions), the delivery room nurse exerts a greater gravitational force on a baby than does any of the planets other than Earth. (Gravity is a function of mass and distance. The further a body is away from you, the less of a gravitational force it exerts on you even if it has a large mass. Things close to you have a stronger gravitational force on you even though they have a much smaller mass.)

    Thus, horoscopes would make more sense if they took account of the position of your delivery room nurse than if they take account of the position of the planets. What worries me about making that statement is that there are probably some idiots out there who will read this and come up with a whole new astrology based on the positions of delivery room personnel—and millions of people will start believing in that. Sigh.

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