It seems to me that finding a partner is like a big game of musical chairs, and everybody else sat down 5 years ago. The truth is, I’m getting older every day and the world isn’t stopping for me to catch up. Skyhooks once sang ‘All my friends are getting married’ and that was when they were ‘Livin in the 70s’.
Unfortunately, single life is nothing new. So, after being single for an extended period of time (somewhere just behind an eternity), and worried about never being brave enough to walk up to a stranger in a bar, I decided to try online dating. What has online dating done for me? Nothing.
Online dating tips for creating your profile
To make a standard online dating profile, you need to include any number of the following vague statements:
- I like a night out at the pub but I also like to stay in and watch a movie on the couch
- I love to travel and plan on visiting *insert exotic* soon
- I am a nice person, but I know how to stand up for myself
- I am over the pubs and clubs scene, so I thought I’d try online dating
- I am outgoing and friendly
- I would like to find that special someone to settle down with
Add to this a plethora of generic adjectives that say absolutely nothing about who you are but accurately describe every person on Earth (everyone lies on their resume), add a shitty photograph taken at an angle so optimal that it could make the elephant man resemble Jennifer Hawkins, and you have your profile.
Just because you are dating online doesn’t make the playing field level
Online dating sites are the great playing-field leveller, where everybody has an equal chance, right? Wrong. I carefully cycle through the profiles, only to find that all the women are exactly the same online as they are offline. When I request to contact them, I almost exclusively get the standard “Thanks but I’m not interested” reply.
Not interested? In what, the 140 characters of text I just sent you in a vague attempt to clumsily describe myself? Or is it my three photos that turned you away? Or maybe it’s the fact I am a Taurus and “OMG! A Taurus and a Virgo are so not compatible”. How about you try a novel idea, and actually take a couple of minutes to chat to someone in order to get to know them. That IS why you are here, right?
I can only assume that these woman are getting so many hundreds of messages a day from sleazy guys simply saying “lets f**k”, that they have given up hope and just respond with a generic “not interested” message, if they even bother to respond at all.
Why online dating sucks
When you meet someone in real life, you get to see the real life qualities of a person – how they dress, their sense of humour, how they treat others, but mostly it’s a vibe you get after spending a couple of minutes with them. The problem with online dating is that everyone thinks they have a choice of the entire world, compared to a bar where you might have a choice of only 50 people. That means that instead of talking to whoever happens to be there, they shut everybody out in the search for that elusive “perfect person”.
It would seem then, that online dating is not for me. This means that I am forced back to the bars and clubs, trying to meet a woman face to face.
This also means that I’m going to have to start drinking in order to get up the courage to talk to random women in bars, not that it will help much in the long run.I know that it sounds arrogant to say so but unfortunately for us nice guys, women don’t know what they want. They think they do, but they don’t.
Even when they do, they just ignore their brain telling them that they are about to make a big mistake and go straight for the good looking bad boy for 5 minutes of fun.
I am not amazingly good looking, I don’t have tattoos or big muscles, I don’t ride a motorbike and I am not a musician/artist. Ladies, when you’re done messing around with all that, get played around and have your heart broken in the process, nice guys like me will be right where you left us – in the ‘Friend Zone’.
Although by the time you come running, we will probably have old man balls and the skin of an elephant.