I regret not spending the last 90 minutes doing something more productive; like staring at the wall, watching my dog take a dump, or setting fire to DVD copies of Sharknado. Anybody who claims to have actually enjoyed watching Sharknado is lying or was so high on drugs that they had no mental recollection of what actually happened during the movie.
My review of Sharknado
Aside from the fact that the ridiculous script, the terrible special effects and the bad acting were actually able to get on television. The thing that impressed me the most about Sharknado was how they managed to get Tara Reid to seem like she was saying real words by putting peanut butter around her mouth the same as how they get dogs to talk on camera. Her career has truly hit the deck, much like her nipples after that shoddy boob job.
Now, thanks to the reception that the first movie gained on the internet, there is going to be a Sharknado sequel and guess who is going to be starring in it. To be fair to the creators of Sharknado, I assume that it would be quite difficult to create anything decent with a budget of $17 and a couple of free coupons for KFC. I’m sure that the Director tried hard, but I can only assume that the entire cast and crew had their fingers in their ears and were humming ABBA ballads whenever anybody was telling them what to do.
I regret not spending the last 90 minutes doing something more productive; like staring at the wall, watching my dog take a dump, or setting fire to DVD copies of Sharknado.
We watch bad movies because they are unintentionally funny, we watch them because we want to look for the flaws but above all else, we watch them because of the combined sense of community one feels through the failure of others. You only have to look at the storm that Sharknado created on Twitter.
Bad special effects in movies
Lets face it, B-grade movie special effects always look like they were created by a year 5 student who has had their fingers replaced by blocks of cheese, on their laptop, during their lunchbreak whilst trying to finish their math homework at the same time. Far from voiding you of your bowels every time a monster comes on the screen, instead, the CGI effects void you of the will to live.
- Reusing the same footage. I know that the viewer must have part of their brain missing because they are watching the movie, but we can still spot when exactly the same bit of CGI is used 2/3/4 times in a movie.
- Mirror image of the CGI We are also not stupid.
- Lazy graphics When the graphics on your mobile phone look better than the special effects in a movie there is a problem.
- Stretching out scenes We understand many of the basic things that people do in every day life. We don’t need to watch it happen in excruciating detail just to fill a couple of minutes of screen time because there isnt enough actual story.
- Using scenes from other movies The only logical explanation for even trying to pull the wool over the viewers eyes here is that the director cannot possibly imagine that somebody would watch more than one of their movies, therefore it doesn’t matter.
Other terrible monster movies
The trouble with B-Grade movies is that they are the same as drunk bogans in the park. Nobody wants to look at them, but nobody can look away in case we miss something. Much like the drunk bogans in the park, B-grade movies also think that they are funny, show far too much unnecessary nudity and they are all as high as a kite. Sharknado isn’t on its own, there is a whole world of terrible monster movies out there. they are actually quite easy to find as well; just perform a simple search of IMDB and rank all movies ever made by average rating and go to the bottom of the list. Amongst my favourites are;
- Sharktopus (2010
- Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus (2010)
- Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus (2009)
- Dinocroc vs Supergator (2010)
- Mega Python vs Gatoroid (2011)
- 2-Headed Shark Attack (2012)
- Dinoshark (2010)
How to create a bad monster movie
To create a monster movie you just need to throw all logic and reason out of the window. They just browse the internet for ideas. To save them the effort required to spend 2 minutes on Google, I have come up with some titles for future movies. If you put them up on Kickstarter now, the movie could be finished inside of a week.
- Bigfoot vs Alien Samurai Pizza Cats
- Ghost Cockroaches from Hell
- Massive Aardvark vs Monster Beagle
- Zombie Nazi Cops from Outer Space
- MegaWhale vs Chuck Norris Ninja Turtle
- Robin Hood and the Killer Python
- Giant Killer Jamaican Bunny Rabbit vs Tyrannosaurus Rex
- Godzilla vs Giant OctoSquid
There was something good about Sharknado though
I would like to finish by saying something positive… So I want to make it clear that Sharknado is the best disaster movie about sharks falling from the sky that I have ever seen.