Remember when a selfie was just something private between you and your hand? Well it isn’t any more, although the term ‘wanker’ can still be used to describe the person who gives themselves posts far to many photos of themselves on social media.
At first, I pondered whether selfies were just dumb girls taking photos of the mirror but they were too stupid to move out of the way. Apparently not though, the selfie is in fact something people do on purpose, under the mistaken belief that everybody else cares that they are wearing a pair of sunglasses in the bathroom.
This post isn’t having a go at everybody who posts a selfie online. As is true with most things in life, the rule is to do it in moderation, and by moderation I don’t mean once a day.
I have no problem when people post the occasional selfie but when I see the same people posting mundane photos of themselves doing the most menial of things that I start to get annoyed. When I see the hashtag #boringselfie I actually pop a hernia.
Some people post them like its a national sport. When you take it to that level of vanity, selfies become one of the the most self-obsessed, narcissistic things you can do.
In 2005, the term “selfie” was first used by Richard Krause in a “how-to” photography guide.
Celebrities then started taking them in between bathing in money and snorting cocaine from strippers bodies, in an attempt to appear normal to the rest of us. It might be a photo of them eating breakfast, or watching TV or driving in a car. You know… the exciting stuff in life.
Since then, the selfie has taken over social media sites with people posting photos of themseves doing amazing things like brushing their hair and cleaning their teeth, through to sitting on the toilet and wearing a towel after coming out of the shower. Not once in my life have I ever though that everybody on Facebook wants to see a photo of me brushing my teeth, call me weird but I don’t feel the need to flaunt my oral hygiene to the world.
5 main types of selfie
I’ve found a pose I like and im sticking to it selfie
These selfies generally consist of a head tilt, a duckface and the same dumb expression in every single photo. For some reason, people think that the world wants to see their face with a slightly different background behind it, pop up in their news feed every single day. Guess what, we don’t. We don’t care that you’re sitting in a car/train/sofa/gym machine/toilet…
Warts and all selfie
After spending 2 hours making sure that you look perfect, climb back into bed and half close your eyes to make it look like you’ve just woken up. After messing around for hours to get the perfect naturally snapped selfie, make sure that you post it online with the comment “I just woke up and I look like shit”
Look what I have selfie
Hold up something that you have and others may be jealous of such as a stack of money, a fancy watch, or in the case of NFL player Aaron Hernandez, an illegal weapon. Remember, the secret to this photo isn’t to brag about what you have but to make it seem like you always walk around like that and a camera just happened to be there and catch you.
If you have just relieved your bowels and are standing in your grandparents bathroom, nobody wants to see a photo of you regardless of how much weight you may have just lost by dropping the kids off at the pool. Also, a mirror selife taken using anything other than a phone or a camera makes you look like even more of a moron. Make sure that you manage to get your cleavage, abs or any other body part you’re proud of into the shot without being blatantly obvious about it.
Just because selfie
People drive cars every day, we don’t need to see a photo of you driving despite the fact that you’ve had the window down and your wind-swept hair looks “like totes amazeballs”. We also don’t need to see a photo of your face in front of a bowl of cereal to prove that you eat, in front of an Apple store to prove how much of a hipster you are, or like in the photo to the left, a photo in your scummy bathroom ‘just because’.
The only time sharing a selfie is acceptable
If you are doing something amazingly epic like floating around in space, then yes, take a selfie just like Japanese astronaut Aki Hoshide did. People want to see that shit, its awesome, its different and its fun. Otherwise, nobody cares. Unfortunately, just like the duck face, the selfie is an epidemic with no end in sight.
Of course, my rambling is going to have absolutely no effect on the number of people posting pointless selfies to social media so why not check out my completely non-sarcastic guide on how to take the perfect selfie so that at least you get it right.