How to take the perfect selfie

A selfie is a self-taken photograph of yourself which is then posted online with the belief that people actually give a shit that you are doing whatever mundane thing you are doing at that moment in time.

selfie

Posting daily selfies social media is probably the most narcissistic thing that a person can do. It is also really annoying, as evidenced in my previous rant about selfies.

Believe it or not, we all have mundane and boring lives of our own and we don’t give a shit that you have just brushed your teeth, eaten a sandwich, or completed the full biological cycle by doing a poo in the bathroom.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like this self-obsessed passtime is going to go away any time soon, so I figured that I might as well post a guide on how to take the perfect selfie. I have seen so many in my lifetime that I believe I am somewhat of an expert on the subject.

How to take the perfect selfie

Just follow the simple steps below and before you know it, your stupid friends will give you hundreds of likes on the next selfie you post to social media making you feel popular and justifying your existence.

Wearing the correct outfit is vital

Put on your best outfit, the trashier it looks, the better. If you have any jewellery you should make sure that you put as much of it as you possibly can on at the same time to make you look ‘gangsta’. It doesn’t matter if you work at McDonalds and make $20 a week, the internet is all about the fake persona that you can portray to make others jealous of your swag (check this post to learn more about swag and how to get it).

Style the perfect imperfect hair

Spend hours getting that messed up hair just right. This gives the impression that you just got out of bed and always look like that despite the fact that you have just spent 2 hours perfecting the look, whilst using half of the Napoleon Perdis Collection in the process.

gollum selfieLocation, location, location

Find a good spot for the photo. Bathrooms are usually best but don’t bother to tidy anything up first. If you can get the toilet in the background, that is a good thing although you should probably flush it first.

Lighting is important

Make sure that the beam of light coming through a window is just enough to show people that you are in the photo but not enough so that they can see any imperfections in your skin.

Its all about the pose

The pose is vitally important. Do something unnatural with your leg or arm to get that handicapped model look just right. Remember, anything that is worthwhile takes time and it is commonly known that it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something so you will need to spend many hours in front of the mirror to perfect your selfie pose.

Angle grinder

You need to get the correct angle to show you at your best. If you have the camera too low you will make your chin look huge, and anything too high will make you look like a top heavy lollipop. Everybody knows that tilting the camera at a 45 degree angle above your eyeline is perfect. Scientists in white coats have spent much time and resources to prove that this is the most flattering angle for a selfie.

Get the correct expression

Add a hint of sexiness with pouted lips, a cock of the head and make sure that you show a hint of bare flesh. Duckface is actively encouraged in a selfie.

Multiple shots

Take 300 photos of yourself and spend the next hour agonising over which one makes you look best. Remember that the most minute of differences are vital so you should agonise over which photo you look best in. If possible, get the opinion of everybody you know.

Post photo editing

Prove that you are a true photographer by putting a shitty seventies Instagram filter on it to make yourself look better. If you are still too ugly to make it look good with a filter, make it black and white. The uglier you are, the darker you should make it.

Promote your selfie

Post the photo on all your social media sites with the caption “I’m soooooooooo ugly OMG LOL swag”. Don’t forget to tag it with the generic hashtags #me #selfie #YOLO #SWAG #thriftshop along with some completely useless hashtags that nobody would ever search for like #stupidslutswearingtinyskirtsanddumbshoes #ignorethisphotoimnotreallyaslut and #OMGwearesohotandsexyboysloveus.

Any more hints on taking the perfect selfie?

If you have any more hints on taking the perfect selfie keep them to yourself because nobody cares. Still confused? Check out 5 different types of selfie here.

Oh, and as if selfies weren’t annoying enough by themselfies, now there is an equally annoying song by The Chainsmokers called #Selfie… Because that all we need.

 

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I'm an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.

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