There is absolutely nothing worse than driving the morning commute to the 9-5 job that you absolutely despise. It doesn’t matter if you leave home 15 minutes early, or 5 minutes late, you always arrive at work at the same time… Late!
You hate this job, it sucks every bit of happiness you have out of you every god damn day. Despite this, you worry yourself, every day, about getting there on time so you don’t get chewed out by the boss you secretly hope gets every communicable disease known to man… All at the same time.
I used to take the freeway, which was nice because it made the drive quick and easy. But then something happened which lead me to discover that there is in fact a God… and he hates me. Every day now there is traffic on this freeway. At least once a week, for absolutely no reason whatsoever, I am presented with a 30 minute delay. No accidents, no construction, just people driving like fucking idiots making my life a driving hell.
Annoying drivers are everywhere
When this heavy traffic started occurring every single day, I decided to take the scenic route to work instead. Now, for those of you that aren’t familiar with the term, the ‘scenic route’ is the way you drive to work that allows you to secretly hope you crash in to a tree and/or telephone pole, just so you don’t have to go to work. Now this “short cut” so to speak, presents its own set of problems.
Because, there is only one lane of traffic, every second day I end up stuck behind some moron driving exactly on the speed limit the entire fucking way, and even though you are driving to a specific area kilometres away, this person seems to make every single turn you need to make.
It gets to the point where I wait until the last second to put on my blinker because I think they are just fucking with me. Then, halfway through your journey to hell, you realize that actually, now you now really hope that this person is driving to the same place you are just so that you can punch them in the throat.
Worse than the people who drive at the exact speed limit, are the people that drive under the speed limit. I have thought long and hard about this and arrived at the conclusion that there is no worse kind of person in the world than the asshole that goes slower than the speed limit.
I hate buses more than anything
Buses are really good at doing this, and then they have the audacity to stop every 100 metres and block off the road. Every once in a while I’ll feel bad because I’ll have wished AIDS upon everyone in a school bus, but there is absolutely no reason for them to make so many stops. I hate buses.
No wonder there are so many fat kids these days; they literally roll out of their front door to the bus stop that is right outside their house. At risk of sounding like my grandparents… “back in my day” when I was at school, not only did I have to walk a long way to the bus stop, but my bus driver used to slowly roll by and make us run and jump on the bus while she screamed “you’ve got to work for it you lazy shits!” I like to think that it built character.
Another thing that really pisses me off is the 4 way stop intersection. It doesn’t matter if 2, 3, or 4 cars show up at the same time, it always takes way too fucking long to decide who gets to go first. A lot of times it’s just me and one other car that arrive at the same time. Now as much as I hate other people, I don’t hate them nearly as much as I hate myself, so I allow them to go first. But occasionally that driver will make the conscientious decision to let me go first. I don’t want that, I don’t want the guilt of going before you, fuck you and your courtesy. If I say you go, you better make the move. I have somewhere to be and I don’t have time for your bullshit polite antics.
Lastly, old people, what the fuck? Don’t you know you are literally about to die any minute now? That means, instead of driving slowly, you should be driving to wherever you are going faster, every single thing you do is literally leading up to the very last thing you do…EVER.
Why do I do it?
If you’ve stayed with me this long and you actually enjoy your job, bless your heart. If you find yourself asking, “Why doesn’t this guy just quit if he hates his job so much, even the commute sounds like the worst day of his life.” Well here is the thing… I have so much debt that the Ethiopians won’t even steal my identity.