The crazy people of public transport

I hate catching public transport. That is why, up until today, it had been a long time since I last mingled with the unwashed masses on a daytime train.

people on train

The other day I caught at 10:15am train into the city and suddenly, whilst sitting there staring out of the window, horrific memories came flooding back to me about the crazy people of public transport.

I used to take the train into the city most days. During this time, my eyes were opened up to the weird and the un-wonderful world of daytime public transport.

Public transport is like stepping back in time. It is like the last two billion years of evolution have been wasted as it becomes a Mecca for the great unwashed and unsophisticated.

Public transport is unhygenically gross and smelly

The need for fresh air is greatly underestimated on public transport. Every bus, every train and every tram seems to have at least one person who stinks on it at all times and in an enclosed space there is no escape.

There are information signs all over public transport, how about including one along the lines of “Teenagers, cheap deodorant should not be used to mask your stench, you also need to take regular showers and use soap”.

Actually, why not add some public information signs informing people about hygiene in general. I have seen people pick their nose, suck their fingers, scratch their genitals (with hands down their pants), pick their teeth and pick scabs. They then go on and rub their hands all over the poles or the seat. You would have less chance of catching something gross if you spent a night rubbing up against Ke$ha.

People seem to think that because you are in something that is metal, filthy and smelly; trains are just fast moving wheelie bins. They throw snotty tissues, food wrappers and anything else in their pockets onto the floor.

It is seriously disgusting. Since wearing a full body CSI suit on a train would put me straight into the weird category, instead I scrub my nostrils and hands with bleach when I get off.

The people of public transport

Public-transport-memeIt amazes me that the obnoxiously loud, abusive people on public transport actually try to draw attention to themselves. The people who venture out from their holes onto daytime public transport seem to have a strange need for everybody else to know that they are there, by being as loud as possible. It is not enough to just be loud though, they also swear as much as possible and bang on things whilst chewing loudly and with their mouths open like cows chewing on grass.

I like to think that I am a considerate person. If I am on the phone in public, I always try and keep the volume down so that I don’t disturb others. If I’m listening to music, I turn the volume down and take the earplugs out of my ears to see how loud it is.

I seem to be in the minority though because for some reason, everybody else seems to think that public transport is the perfect place to listen to music as loud as possible. They are also under the impression that public transport is the perfect place to call up their partner and have a full-on domestic down the phone as loud as humanly possible.

As long as you stay a safe distance away, crazy people can actually make your public transport journey quite entertaining. They mutter to themselves frantically, possibly in a language that no one has ever heard of before randomly yelling something into thin air once every couple of minutes.

Get out of my way

There is some unwritten rule on public transport that you should never let anybody off before you get on. That means that you need to barge through everyone the moment that the doors open to make sure that you are first on. As soon as you are on, you need to stand right in the middle of everything and make it as difficult as possible for anybody else to get on.

If you have a seat, you should put your bag on the one next to you and not move it for anybody no matter how hard they stare at you. Only when the person standing there looking lost actually asks you to move your bag so that they can sit down. You must also accompany the removal of your bag with a stern look on your face. If you don’t have a bag, just put your shit covered shoes onto the seat opposite you.

Apparently, some people are dying for a smoke so badly that they light up as they walk through the door onto the platform. It is hilarious watching them pull the cigarette out from behind their ear (because that’s where the cool people store them) and have it in their mouths and lighter at the ready so that they can light it as they leap out the door like an unfit athlete from the blocks. The moment they are out of the door though, the smoke gets to their brain and they lose the ability to think like a normal person and their body ceases up causing them to stop right in the way of the door blowing smoke all over everybody else leaving the train.

Climate control

South Australia gets very hot during summer, I’m talking 45 degrees hot. Regardless of the temperature outside, I still find myself having to take a jumper with me onto trains because the air conditioning is always set to “make everyone’s nipples able to cut glass” mode.

Train and bus drivers must not have any sense of smell. In winter, instead of using the cooler months as a chance for a break from the smell of sweaty people we all experienced during summer, they turn up the heaters so high that you are forced to take your jacket off before you die in the sauna. This isn’t great for those sitting near somebody with poor personal hygiene and  probably why public transport smells bad all year round.

One thing I like about public transport

One thing that’s great about public transport is that I get a lot of reading done. Its like a free library, I just wish people could hold their books a little steadier, so that maybe I could finish one some day.


I’m an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.