Men’s shoes are useful things. They keep our feet warm, they stop things sticking in our feet when we walk across rough surfaces and they make it easy for us to run for the bus if we are running late for manly things like the football. The usefulness of a woman’s shoe on the other hand, is inversely proportional to the cost of the shoe. Also ladies, high heals are not sexy if they make you walk like a newborn calf.
Women’s shoes don’t seem to do much to keep their feet warm either. They also seem to be very difficult to wear whilst walking across anything other than a flat piece of concrete (when they don’t get stuck in the gaps) and as soon as a woman tries to run in a pair of heals, you can guarantee that they will stumble and be flat on their face within a couple of steps.
Men have no interest in shoe shopping
Its true, men have absolutely no interest in shoes. We notice a girls eyes, her face, her hair, her clothes but at no time in the entire history of mankind has a heterosexual male ever paid any attention to a girls shoes unless it was part of his plan to get her into bed. Shoes are actually the single most boring thing in the world after Kevin Rudds haircut. In fact, whenever I am suffering from insomnia I simply ask my girlfriend to talk about shoes and I fall straight to sleep.
Normally she is a smart, sexy and loving person, but as soon as soon as she comes within visual distance of a shoe store, all of her previous mentioned qualities disappear as she turns into a shoe hungry monster. I can imagine that the only thing in the world more painful than accompanying a girl who is shopping for shoes is to be on the receiving end of a prostate exam by Freddie Kruger.
Why do girls need so many pairs of shoes?
Woman always seem to be shopping for new shoes. Not that it really matters what shoes they wear with their new outfit to the club on the weekend because everybody will be too drunk to even notice that their own clothes are falling off and their nipples are hanging out, let alone notice what other people have on their feet.
My girlfriend currently owns 10 pairs of shoes that are still in their boxes under the bed because they have never been worn, its like a shoe carnival under there.
This includes 3 large pairs of boots that simply had to be purchased during a weekend trip to Melbourne and then brought back to Adelaide on a plane in our hand luggage. This is something I don’t recommend trying to do yourself, especially not if you value your eyeballs.
Its not the number of shoes she owns that is the issue here though, its the number of shopping trips to buy the shoes and the fact that I am always required to be there and provide input, regardless of how vague and useless it may be.
The pain of entering a shoe shop with a girl
As a male, you know that you are in for a bad time when you first hear a woman utter the word “cute” whilst pointing at a pair of shoes. Don’t try to ignore it because she will just repeat it again, louder. Personally I find it difficult to comprehend how the word cute can be used to describe a couple of foot sized pieces of rubber with some leather wrapped around them, but then again, I’m not female.
My girlfriend uses the word so much that at first I thought cute was just girl-speak for the word shoes; as in “oh look, they’re shoes.” A puppy is cute, a baby is cute when its not throwing up, a shoe is not cute.
Once you have been dragged inside the shoe store, kicking and screaming like a child, you are immediately greeted by an overly eager sales assistant with a smiling mouth the size of the doorway who immediately asks if you would like any help today.
After finding a polite way of telling her to go away, you spend the next 30 minutes being dragged from shelf to shelf to provide your useless input on whatever pair of shoes she happens to be holding at the time. It actually doesn’t matter what answer you give, because she will make up her own mind about the shoes anyway. Regardless of what you say, you will then be submitted to an enquiry about why you think that. They are shoes… there is no reason for what I just said because men don’t care about shoes. Sometimes I think it may be easier to just fake a heart attack.
The ‘shoe trance’
Shoe store sales assistants are obviously trained in the art of witchcraft, because aside from going out the back to get the correct size, the only technical input they provide is telling girls how “cute” a pair of shoes looks on their feet. Upon hearing these words, every girl comes over in some sort of trance in which they agree wholeheartedly before dragging you to the counter to pay.
Once she finds herself in the “cute shoe trance,” the actual buying process is a blur and its over in a heartbeat. The whole thing is so baffling that I still find myself trying to figure out exactly what just happened, a good 15 minutes after leaving the store.
The worst part about shoe shopping with my girlfriend though, is that she now has an extra pair that she will never wear but will be thrown straight under the bed with the other 10 pairs she never intends to wear.