In a rare chance to stick it to our cousins in the east of the country, no other Australian city made the top 10, so consider yourselves stuck to Sydney and Melbourne. As an Adelaide resident, I’m glad to see that the tens of dollars we spent on that giant rocking horse are finally paying off.
Adelaide has giant things
As well as the Giant Rocking Horse, why not prepare yourself to be underwhelmed by one of South Australia’s other “big things” (there were 16 at last count). We have the Big Galah in Kimba, the Big Orange in Berri or the Big Lobster in Kingston.
You can even buy awesome merchandise such as a tshirt, a rock or a pencil sharpener to forever remember your visit. Make sure that you buy something for every member of your family to avoid jealousy. Also, don’t forget to take your camera because you are unlikely to ever make the trip back.
Prepare yourself to be underwhelmed by one of South Australia’s “big things
If you cannot handle the awesomeness of our giant monuments, you could visit a smaller one, in the form of the Colonel Light statue. You could waste away literally minutes as you look out over Adelaide from the same location that our great planner once stood to survey and plan out the city. Maybe. None of us were actually there so we are not sure about the truth of this.
You cannot actually see anything from the spot now though because the giant stands of the new Adelaide Oval (see below) are in the way so they are thinking about moving the statue which kind of defeats the point of the statue in the first place.
Adelaide festival season
If you come during festival season, you are likely to see large numbers of men in flamboyant costumes, wearing makeup and tights, doing weird things around the city. Don’t worry, you haven’t stumbled upon Mardi Gras (thats in Sydney), its probably the Fringe Festival which to be honest is actually pretty awesome.
Its probably best to avoid coming during some of the other festivals though because at certain times of the year, the city fills up with hippies who last saw soap in 1987 and the smell is as overbearing as a trip on AdelaideMetro. Locals just see festival season as an excuse to get drunk in the city parklands.
Driving around Adelaide
If you like to drive, then why not take a trip around the Adelaide Hills and look and green things such as trees and grass if you go during spring. If you go at any other time of the year everything will be yellow and brown due to our yearly droughts. Remember to stay alert because at any moment, your surroundings could spontaneously combust into a bushfire.
If corners aren’t your thing, check out the straight roads and 90 degree intersections that we have everywhere else in the city. It is impossible to get lost but it is also pretty hard to figure out where you actually are at any specific moment.
If you are feeling particularly adventurous you could partake in one of Adelaide’s great pensioner pastimes and take a drive up the O-Bahn busway in your car. For those of you who don’t live in Adelaide, the O-Bahn is a cross between a road and a traintrack that specially fitted buses drive on at high speed. If you ignore the signs, flashing lights and barriers then try and drive on it, you are a fucking moron (see photo).
A one-way freeway
Yes, you read that correctly. Adelaide is home to the the most pointless and annoying urban planning decision in the history of urban planning. We have a reversible freeway that can only run in one direction at a time and takes an hour to reverse the way it operates. No matter what time of day you want to travel, the Southern Expressway will be open in the wrong direction forcing you to take to long way around using the street and you will probably get lost in the process.
No matter what time of day you want to travel, the Southern Expressway will be open in the wrong direction
Adelaide Oval used to be a world famous cricket stadium and people would travel from around the world to see it. Eventually, the Government realised that it was actually an old relic which is why nobody who lived in Adelaide ever went there. They knocked it down and built a new one. The new Adelaide Oval opened 2014. Don’t expect to see anything historical there though because its all new, apart from the scoreboard, which is old. Aside from that, the new Adelaide Oval is an amazing stadium.
South Australian wine regions
Adelaide is under an hour away from some world renowned wine regions. This means that you have a choice of picturesque places to go and get smashed such as the Barossa Valley, the Claire Valley, McLaren Vale or Hindley Street. If you are particularly keen on making a day and night of it, you could even do a “Reds close“. The best thing about the wine though it that if you drink enough, you will forget that you were ever here.
Fresh local produce and gourmet food
If you like fresh fruit and vegetables and you enjoy waking up at a stupidly early hour of the morning, then check out Central Market in Chinatown. If you don’t get there early you will miss out. Otherwise a visit to the local supermarket should suffice. If you visit one of Adelaide’s restaurants to sample some local produce from the Barossa Valley make sure that you book ahead to guarantee a seat.
When you’re there don’t worry, you don’t actually have to eat any of the weird shit that is on your plate, as long as you Instagram it to prove that it really happened. If planning ahead is not your thing, Bunnings on a Sunday is pretty good. You can get a sausage in a piece of bread for $2. They don’t even charge for tomato sauce.
Other things to do in Adelaide
Although it is all true, don’t take this post too seriously… It was a humorous look at Adelaide. I have been here for 12 years and its not that bad. Actually, I may go as far as to say that I kind of like it here!