Halloween is the time of year when Lady Gaga dresses up in something really bizarre… like jeans and a turtle-neck sweater.
It is also the time of year when Australians “celebrate” a silly American tradition.
The original Halloween was supposedly the time when the gate to the underworld was the weakest so all the undead came to wreak havoc for one night. Then, someone in America saw the obvious connection and thought it would be a good idea to get children to dress up and bang on peoples doors demanding candy.
Don’t tell me that I don’t have any Halloween spirit either. There’s is no such thing as Halloween spirit… you’re thinking of Christmas.
I understand that it is meant to be light-hearted and fun for kids but when you look at it, its actually a horrible holiday that has nothing positive about it.
There are no ghosts or monsters here
Adults spend so much of their time, late at night, comforting kids and telling them that ghosts and monsters aren’t real. On the 31st of October, they then turn around and try to scare the living shit out of kids by dressing up as the same monsters and ghosts that we told them, only yesterday, don’t exist.
When I was younger, I was absolutely terrified of Halloween. I honestly thought that Halloween was the one night of the year when monsters were allowed out. Every year, I lay in bed thinking that as soon as my parents were asleep, they would come into the house and take me away to their dungeon.
Don’t speak to strangers… Unless they are offering you free candy
I never went trick-or-treating when I was younger and I felt like I was missing out on something that all of the other kids were getting. Nothing to do with trick-or-treating, I just wanted the same free candy that everybody else had.
I struggle to understand why parents spend all year teaching their kids not to speak to strangers, let alone take candy from them. However, as soon as Halloween comes around, responsibility is forgotten, as parents actively encourage kids to bang on a strangers front door and demand it. Its all alright though, because the kid is wearing a crusty old bedsheet over its face in a lame attempt to look like a ghost.
On that note, I am sick of kids banging on my door wearing a half-assed costume and the mindset that because they spent 3 seconds drawing a cut on their forehead using their mums lipstick,they deserve candy. New rule, if you want me to give you something, put some effort in to your costume. I don’t care how young you are, putting a shitty set of devil horns isn’t going to cut it.
I am sick of kids banging on my door wearing a half-assed costume. If you want me to give you something, put some effort in.
Thuglife trick or treaters
A couple of years ago, a large group of unaccompanied kids banged on my front door so loud I thought that the Hulk was about to Hulksmash his way into the lounge room. I answered the door only to be threatened that if I didn’t hand over some candy, they would run into my house and draw all over the walls in pen. I wanted to Hulksmash the little fuckers on the spot.
Of course, I couldn’t do that. This meant that my only course of action was to give the little extortionist pricks what they were demanding.
I could have said no, but just imagine how events would have unfolded if they had run into my house and drawn all over the walls or vandalised the outside of the house. The litigious society we live in these days means that if I had touched one of them I would have had my ass handed to me by the legal system therefore I would have had to stand by and let it happen. I would have no chance of tracking them down later either because I had no idea who they were.
What to do on Halloween
If I was going to do the Halloween thing, I wouldn’t do it half-assed. I would go all out in order to scare the living shit out of kids so that next year, they don’t come back. I am thinking I might hide behind the door wearing a scary mask. I’m not talking a cheep $2 mask… I know people who work in special effects and I could I could get something terrifyingly realistic made up. The trouble is that I would probably give the kids some serious psychological damage and their parents would sue me.
I also don’t want to spend the entire night sitting in the house with all of the lights turned off in order to pretend that im not home.
So, on Halloween, I will do what I always do. I will buy the cheapest candy that I can and I put it in a bowl. If anybody knocks on the door I will offer it to any kids that knock on my door like a good, civilised person. This year however, I am going to make Halloween educational by taking 40% of it back off of the kids to teach them about taxes.
Either that or I will be the asshole that gives kids toothbrushes instead of sugar.