People who overshare about their kids online

Congratulations, you made a kid with your genitals... I made a taco once.

My taco was good. I didn’t post a daily photo of it on Facebook though. I mean I could have posted one of it in the oven, one of it as soon as I took it out of the oven, one of it on my plate, one as I was chewing it and one as it exited my body the next day.

I didn’t though, because nobody cares.

Making a kid is possibly the easiest thing in the world that a person can do. In fact, it is so easy to do that bogans who are incapable of stringing together a coherent sentence, are still able to pop out 11 or 12 of them per year in order to claim Centrelink benefits.

I wrote a post a while back about annoying things that people post on Facebook. On that list was the ‘Proud Parent’. This is a person who is so very proud that their creation has learnt to eat/shit/throw up that they need to tell everybody about every single moment of the childs life through their social media pages. We don’t need hundreds of photographs of its faecal matter on our screen every day when we log in to Facebook and we definitely didn’t need to see that all access video of your birthing canal.

Congratulations, you made a kid with your genitals… I made a taco once.

Things people overshare about their kids on facebook

Below you will find some of the baby related things that regularly appear on Newsfeed as people overshare on Facebook. As far as I know, I don’t have a friend with a kid called Billy, it’s just a random name I picked (if I do then this isn’t about you!).
“Billy just did a poo/vomit/snotted all over the wall”
Why did you think we needed to know that your kid just did that? Has your kid been unable to excrete bodily fluids up until this point in his life then, through the miracle of modern medicine, has finally been cured? If so then feel free to tell us all about it. If not, then don’t.
“Day 274 – Billy sitting at the table”
There are people on my Facebook who post a daily photo of their kid doing the most menial of things. Woofuckinghoo! Not only do I get to see another photo of Billy so that I see how much he has grown since yesterday (hint: he is the same height). I also get a daily reminder of how many of your stupid photos I have seen on my Facebook timeline.
“I wish Billy would stop screaming, I really need some sleep”
Obviously posted by somebody who didn’t understand that one of the big drawbacks of having a kid is the constant screaming. I don’t have any kids myself yet, however I know that kids scream a lot because during the course of my life I have travelled on an airplane (insert inappropriate joke about stuffing babies into overhead luggage compartments).
“Billy just ate all of his dinner, he is such a good boy”
Well done Billy. At least mummy didn’t instagram a photo of that mushy blended green crap she has convinced you is actually food.

“Billy is the best kid in the world, repost if you agree.” 

Of course you think that your kids are the best in the world. You would be a shitty parent if you thought otherwise. Do you really think that people are going to repost this though? do you really think that we are as lame and… oh… somebody did repost it? Well I guess that I must be the problem then.

“We are so thrilled that little Billy won a badge at school today”. 

So Billy won a badge in school today for the simple task of showing up. If anybody should get a badge it should be his parents for actually getting Billy out of bed against his will, dressing him, feeding him, putting him in the car and then dropping him off at the gate. You should throw him a fucking parade and give out badges to everybody who attends then after the parade you can all get together and discuss how awesome all of your kids badges are. In private.

People who have their kids as profile photos

Some people are so proud of their kids, that somewhere along the line they have somehow morphed into their kid. At least I think they have, judging by their profile photo.

I understand how having a kid is a beautiful thing for a family, therefore they want everybody to see their child. But it feels really fucking weird seeing a profile photo of a 3 year old baby next to a status that says, “I got so drunk on the weekend that I passed out in the yard and only woke up because a dog was taking a piss on my face. This is the worst hangover of my life, I’m never drinking again”.

Please don’t try to rectify this by creating a separate profile for your kid (or dog for that matter) because that’s just weird as well. We all know that your baby can’t use Facebook.

Well done for giving birth

Yes you have a kid, congratulations. During the course of its life, that kid is going to do and learn many things. We, as your friends on Facebook, are more than happy to see photos of your newborn, a photo of the first day of school, even the occasional photo of your kid doing something funny or cute is fine.

We understand that your child is special, every child is special… my taco was special too.

I'm an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.


Comments are closed.