It doesn’t matter how open and non-judgemental you think you are, everybody makes an assumption on somebody else based on the car that they drive. Is your car clean or dirty? Is your car practical or impractical? Is your car flashy or sedate? All of these things, factor into a person’s impression of you.
Why do you think companies spend so much money giving their low paid sales reps a car that’s worth twice their annual salary? Its so that they when they show up and start talking, you believe that they are successful therefore now what they are talking about so you will buy whatever shitty photocopier they are trying to sell you.
For the sake of this article, I have made some massive stereotypical assumptions below.
The motorised vejazzle
Hyundai Excels are girls cars with the engine power of a cat running on ice. Despite this, guys seem to think that they can mask the fact that they are driving a girls car by buying them in bright colours with giant spoilers on the back, low body kits and 8 exhaust pipes that sound like a wet fart when they accelerate. Its like they are driving around inside a motorized vejazzle.
The other day I took my car in for a service and got a hire car for the day. I was already not looking forward to this because there is a 98% chance that the steering wheel is covered in snot, there is man juice all over the seat. Oh, and the boot probably contains the remains of a dead hooker. Little did I know when I booked the car, that I would be driving around in a bright green Mazda 2 hatchback.
Its like they are driving around inside a motorized vejazzle.
It was embarrassing and I spent the entire day crouching down behind the steering wheel and hoping that nobody could see me. Why somebody would choose to buy a car in this colour or paint their car is a ridiculously bright colour scheme is beyond me.
The soccer mom car
Otherwise known as the suburban 4 wheel drive, or the ‘Sports Utility Vehicle’. This kind of car is usually driven by women aged 35-45 with the sole purpose of driving their children to school, picking them up again in the afternoon and spending the time in between having an affair with the tennis coach.
Soccer moms are can usually be found screaming at people who they have just cut off with their oversized car, getting into accidents, or mouthing off about how violent video games like Grand Theft Auto will turn her children into theiving, shotgun-wielding rapists.
If you see a soccer mom driving down the road, you should avoid overtaking because if you come within 20 feet of her car she will view you as a maniac who is endangering her children. This will cause her to go into an uncontrollable soccer mom rage for endangering her little angels. She will smash into your car with hers, before getting out and ripping your head off with her perfectly manicured fingernails.
The ‘look at me’ loud car
Im not saying that I want to live in a world so quiet that I can hear my fingernails growing, but I have absolutely no idea why somebody would want to drive a car that is so loud that it causes peoples heads to explode as they drive past. Surely after spending 10 minutes in the car it would drive you bonkers.
I understand that if you drive a big V8 sports car, you need to be as loud as possible to make people look at you so that you can justify the amount that you spend on petrol via the number of looks that you get. But there is no possible reason I can think of, why somebody driving a rusty 1998 Nissan Pulsar would go and get a huge aftermarket exhaust fitted so that they actually draw attention to themselves.
A number of years ago, I was driving around Adelaide down a long straight multi-lane road into the city when tennis player Lleyton Hewitt screamed past me in his bright red Ferrari. The traffic lights turned red, he stopped and I pulled up alongside him and gave his wife the eye. The lights turned green and he put his foot to the floor like he was stepping on a Redback spider and took off as fast and loud as he could with his wheels spinning. At the next set of lights, he slammed on the brakes at the last possible second before I pulled up alongside him again.
This went of for the next 10 sets of traffic lights and the only thing I could think was “what a cock”.
The rusty old piece of crap car
Lastly, there is the most terrifying thing on the road aside from an elderly person; the rusty shitbox covered in dents because simply being near it will require a trip to the hospital for tetanus shots. Whenever you see one of these cars, you remind yourself that the dents are there for a reason. You know that there is a very real possibility that the driver will swerve across the road and into the side of your car for no reason.
These cars are normally driven by a young person who has just learnt to drive and cannot afford a better car, an old person who bought the car brand new 87 years ago, or a newly arrived immigrant from a country where road rules consist of whoever gets there quickest has right of way and the bigger vehicle wins. Either way, you should avoid them all on the road through fear of both your own car as well as your life.
What do you drive and what does it say about you? Let me know in the comments.