The world economy has been in a poor state ever since the American banks stuffed it up by creating money from thin air and thought that nobody would notice. It was all going well… until somebody noticed and the whole thing came crashing down. This brought the world economy down with it and threw everyone into debt whilst simultaneously reaffirming the reasons why people hate banks.
If you are hoping that they take one hit too many, before falling over the side of their yacht in a drug induced stumble, only to be attacked by a shark. This will never happen. A shark wouldn’t attack a banker out of professional courtesy.
Listen up banks… Here are just a few of the reasons we hate you.
I hate that we need banks
It really pisses me off that banks attach chains to their pens… I trust them with all of my money and those assholes can’t trust me with their 20 cent pen.
If you are a regular hardworking person, storing large sums of money at your house is probably not a good idea. If you are a drug dealer, storing large sums of money at your house is definitely not a good idea. Unfortunately, this means that banks are a necessary evil. We give them far too much of our money, in order for them to hold on to it and lend it out to other people so that they can make even more money using our money.
I hate bank service
I use the word “service” lightly here.
I live in a large city and there are 3 branches of my bank within 20 minutes drive. Every one opens at 9am and close at 4:30 pm… you know, because we can all get there during those hours. I try to do most banking online but occasionally you need to go into a branch. On a weekend, none of these 3 branches are open meaning that I have to drive 30 minutes to the next nearest branch which is open 9-12pm.
I hate bank fees
Most of the fees and charges banks hit their customers with are sneaky and excessive. Banks love hitting people when they are down. So much so that they developed an ingenious tactic whereby the less money a customer has, the more fees and charges they are slugged with.
Back when I was a poor university student, I tried to take about 10 cents more than I had in my debit account to pay for something. For the pleasure of simply trying to take out money that wasn’t there, my bank slogged me a $30 overdrawn fee despite the fact that I cannot actually overdraw on the account. It was nothing more than a fuck you for trying fee.
These days, I get slugged with fees if I put less than the required monthly minimum into my account. That’s like your doctor charging you an excess fee for not being sick last month.
How to avoid bank fees
Trick question… You can’t avoid bank fees. Fees and charges are worked in to all aspects of banking, from overdrawn and usage fees through to the way payment due dates are structured. This is because banks need money so that they can pay their managers to sip Dom Perignon and snort lines of coke from the stomachs of hookers.
Fees and charges are worked in to all aspects of banking because banks need money so that they can pay their managers to sip Dom Perignon and snort lines of coke from the stomachs of hookers.
Whenever I get paid it goes straight into my bank account, which the bank charges me to use, then charges me again to take money out from. If you pay off a loan quicker, you get fees. If you pay off a loan slower, you get fees. If you go overdrawn, you get a fee. If you have lots of money they will sell you on a credit cards so that they can charge you interest on money you have.
Playing the banks at their own game
I hate bank security
Aside from the 78 year old man standing at the front door wearing a perfectly ironed uniform, scratching himself and struggling to remember the reason that he is there, banks employ some pretty stupid security measures.A few years ago I paid the deposit for a house. To do this, I walked into the bank, strolled up to the counter, and asked to take out everything in my account. A simple pin number later and my bank account was $80,000 lighter. A few months after that, I put the wrong password onto the same bank’s website two time in a row and was told that I would need to go into a branch with 100 points of photo ID to reopen my online banking which turned out to be more difficult to do than cutting off my arm with a butter knife.
You can’t win with the bank
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank… Give a man a bank and he can rob the country.
Next time you walk into a branch of your favourite money grabbing financial institution, steal a pen. Its not worth much but it will make you feel better. Plus, if everybody does it, maybe we will start a revolution. Either that or the banks will force you to buy one of their pens every time you need to sign your name.
What do you hate about banks? Tell me in the comments.