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Why people hate banks

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Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank... Give a man a bank and he can rob the country.

The world economy has been in a poor state ever since the American banks stuffed it up by creating money from thin air and thought that nobody would notice. It was all going well… until somebody noticed and the whole thing came crashing down. This brought the world economy down with it and threw everyone into debt whilst simultaneously reaffirming the reasons why people hate banks.

Unbelievably, despite all of this, the big four Australian banks have just announced that they made $27.4 billion in cash earnings this year (SMH). Yes, that’s billion with a ‘b’, the same letter that starts the word ‘bastard’, ‘banking’, and ‘bthievery’.
It isn’t hard to see why they are racking up this much profit. The banks are squeezing every last cent out of their customers. This is so that the fat cat bosses can sit on their yachts, sipping Dom Perignon and doing lines of coke from the stomachs of hookers whilst laughing all the way to the, um… bank.

If you are hoping that they take one hit too many, before falling over the side of their yacht in a drug induced stumble, only to be attacked by a shark. This will never happen. A shark wouldn’t attack a banker out of professional courtesy.

Listen up banks… Here are just a few of the reasons we hate you.

I hate that we need banks

It really pisses me off that banks attach chains to their pens… I trust them with all of my money and those assholes can’t trust me with their 20 cent pen.

If you are a regular hardworking person, storing large sums of money at your house is probably not a good idea. If you are a drug dealer, storing large sums of money at your house is definitely not a good idea. Unfortunately, this means that banks are a necessary evil. We give them far too much of our money, in order for them to hold on to it and lend it out to other people so that they can make even more money using our money.

I hate bank service

I use the word “service” lightly here.

BanksI live in a large city and there are 3 branches of my bank within 20 minutes drive. Every one opens at 9am and close at 4:30 pm… you know, because we can all get there during those hours. I try to do most banking online but occasionally you need to go into a branch. On a weekend, none of these 3 branches are open meaning that I have to drive 30 minutes to the next nearest branch which is open 9-12pm.

I struggle to place faith in the ability of my bank to count because whenever I go in there during a busy period, there are 8 windows and only ever 2 tellers working. That is not good enough. If you are a service which clearly gives so little of a shit about its customers that it limits its opening hours to the times people are at work, sort your lunch breaks out and make sure that you have people working when the place gets busy.

I hate bank fees

Most of the fees and charges banks hit their customers with are sneaky and excessive. Banks love hitting people when they are down. So much so that they developed an ingenious tactic whereby the less money a customer has, the more fees and charges they are slugged with.

Back when I was a poor university student, I tried to take about 10 cents more than I had in my debit account to pay for something. For the pleasure of simply trying to take out money that wasn’t there, my bank slogged me a $30 overdrawn fee despite the fact that I cannot actually overdraw on the account. It was nothing more than a fuck you for trying fee.

These days, I get slugged with fees if I put less than the required monthly minimum into my account. That’s like your doctor charging you an excess fee for not being sick last month.

How to avoid bank fees

Trick question… You can’t avoid bank fees. Fees and charges are worked in to all aspects of banking, from overdrawn and usage fees through to the way payment due dates are structured. This is because banks need money so that they can pay their managers to sip Dom Perignon and snort lines of coke from the stomachs of hookers.

Fees and charges are worked in to all aspects of banking because banks need money so that they can pay their managers to sip Dom Perignon and snort lines of coke from the stomachs of hookers.

Whenever I get paid it goes straight into my bank account, which the bank charges me to use, then charges me again to take money out from. If you pay off a loan quicker, you get fees. If you pay off a loan slower, you get fees. If you go overdrawn, you get a fee. If you have lots of money they will sell you on a credit cards so that they can charge you interest on money you have.

Playing the banks at their own game

For a while, we thought that we were onto a good thing. Using American Express credit card for all purchases so that we got points and could redeem them for something decent. We did this for nearly a year, every single purchase was done on the credit card and then at the end of each month, the entire amount was paid off with the money in our account so that we never paid interest. This got us lots of points that we could redeem for free things.
Whilst doing this, we went for another loan to buy a second house. Despite the fact that we both have good, well paying jobs and had more than enough disposable income to pay for the new house, we were refused. The douchebags at the bank added up our estimated monthly bills and then added our credit card statements on top of that so essentially, our expenses were double what they actually are. We were told that we needed to stop using the credit card in that way if we wanted another loan.

I hate bank security

Aside from the 78 year old man standing at the front door wearing a perfectly ironed uniform, scratching himself and struggling to remember the reason that he is there, banks employ some pretty stupid security measures.A few years ago I paid the deposit for a house. To do this, I walked into the bank, strolled up to the counter, and asked to take out everything in my account. A simple pin number later and my bank account was $80,000 lighter. A few months after that, I put the wrong password onto the same bank’s website two time in a row and was told that I would need to go into a branch with 100 points of photo ID to reopen my online banking which turned out to be more difficult to do than cutting off my arm with a butter knife.

You can’t win with the bank

Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank… Give a man a bank and he can rob the country.

Next time you walk into a branch of your favourite money grabbing financial institution, steal a pen. Its not worth much but it will make you feel better. Plus, if everybody does it, maybe we will start a revolution. Either that or the banks will force you to buy one of their pens every time you need to sign your name.

What do you hate about banks? Tell me in the comments.

I'm an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.

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6 COMMENTS

  1. About two years ago, my former fiance and I were trying to make ends meet, nobody was hiring accept this one “place” that hired her as a mystery shopper. She was suppose to deposit the check into her account and and shop around the store and be a mystery shopper. Make a long story short, it turned out to be a scam and the “company” that hired her to be a mystery shopper, took all of the money in her account and pushed her account in to the negative; I’m talking -$4,000 or $5,000 dollar negative. The next day, SHE WAS FLOORED AND SO WAS I! We contacted the bank and they basically said, “We can’t do anything about that” Why did they say that?? I’m an Aries and Allison is Gemini the worse duo when you say CAN’T We stormed into that bank (with class) and let the first teller just have it (with class) they finally came to there senses and said, “Oh well yeah, we can clear up the most of the debt.” We said no we wanted all of that shit cleared up! Your the bank where the fuck is the security!?! I get harassed when I can’t remember my fucking pin BUT YOU LET A FAKE ASS COMPANY SET UP BUSINESS WITH YOU!?! EAT FUCKING DICK! Is what flew out of her mouth…She had all right because that company took her pay check, the money they gave her and some. She still owes Chase $1800 to this day…that was the best they could do. I bank with chase BUT FUCK THAT BANK IN THE ASS WITH A DEAD DONKEY’S DICK. because that was pure bullshit and they know it; they know now that company was a fraud; if anything they could’ve at least cleared up her debt; there fuck up not the people’s…the same thing happen to my brother as well.

    • Fighting your way through all of the other junk under your bed is probably still easier than dealing with the bank!

  2. Man, I had tears in my eyes with laughter reading this. I guess you really do hate banks and I’ll never see banks in the same light again, especially when I look at the attached pens. I’ll most probably burst out laughing standing in the queue.

    I had a vision of you sitting on the floor in a straight-jacket, holding a pen between your toes writing the words”I hate banks, I hate banks” on the perfectly white walls of a partially padded cell, ha ha ha.

    This post was truly funny mate but it’s all true.

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