Crap sports that aren’t really sports

Some sports are not sports at all but seem to have been created for the sole purpose of boring people to death. Here is how we can liven them up.

Sport is supposed to be exciting and dramatic. As a spectator, sport is supposed to have you on the edge of your seat. At the very least, sport is supposed to involve some form of physical activity as men and women fight out outdo each other in the pursuit of glory.

There are heaps of great sports in the world, but there are plenty of crap sports too which are both not very sporty, and boring to watch as a spectator.

I have undertaken a completely non-biased and non-judgemental discussion of them below and given each one a score out of 10 for how interesting it is to watch and how “sporty” it is.

I equate each of the sports below to a night with Miley Cyrus; I’m sure that playing would be fun for a short period of time, but it wouldn’t be fun for other people to watch, and you wouldn’t go bragging to your mates about it afterwards.

When did walking off the end of a wooden plank and succumbing to gravity become a sport?

Spelling bees

How high were the TV executives at ESPN when they thought that in between watching football, rugby and motor racing, people would want to watch a load of kids try to spell words that the majority of the audience has never even heard of. Never in the history of everything ever, has watching primary school kids try to spell words been entertaining. ESPN also like to air these non-events live so that you don’t miss a single moment.

Sporting score 0/10 
ESPN are on drugs.

How to liven up spelling bees
There is absolutely no way on earth that you can liven up a spelling bee even if you called it a “Spelling killer-bear-with-lazer-beams-for-eyes-holding-a-light-sabre” and the contestants had to spell out sexual innuendos.

Chess

People think that chess players are smart. That is obviously true, how else were they able to sell the TV rights for this drone of a game. Why anybody would want to watch two grown men sit at opposite ends of a table and make eyes at each other, whilst moving silly little roleplay characters around on a chequered board is beyond me.

Sporting score 1/10
Chess is the intelligent man’s Warhammer, but instead of underarm sweat, the only sweat chess creates is brain sweat.

How to liven up chess
They may already use clocks to time each game and add to the non-existing excitement, but how about adding a little real action. When the clock runs out, instead of a pathetic little ding, chess needs explosions.

Diving

When did walking off the end of a wooden plank and succumbing to gravity become a sport?

Sporting score 2/10
At least walking up to the plank involves physical activity so they deserve a couple of points for that at least.

How to liven up diving
There is only one way to liven up the sport of falling; put sharks in the water.

Darts

Whoever thought that mixing tiny little flying arrows with copious amounts of alcohol and mathematics would be a good idea was clearly drunk at the time. I won’t deny that darts is popular in some countries, but that’s only because watching it involves drinking a lot of beer and shouting abuse at people. Calling darts a sport is like calling your average obese darts player an athlete.

Sporting score 2/10
At least there is beer involved, however that is cancelled out by the math. There is always the possibility of a streaker though, however I can almost guarantee that it will be a fat bloke with a beer gut.

How to liven up darts
First of all, drop the math. No sport involving math beyond simple adding up of goals has ever been fun. To liven up the game, each player should have their significant other stand in front of the dart board and they have to hit the board around their partners head… using a crossbow.

Snooker

Like darts, this is another pub sport that somehow became televised. Smashing other peoples balls with a stick is something most people grow out of in school. Also, no game where the players wear penguin suits, bow-ties and vests deserves to be called a sport. Fans of snooker obviously have nothing more exciting to do in their lives than sit in a room and watch the sporting equivalent of watching paint dry.

Sporting score 2/10
There is at least some physical activity involved when they have to walk around the table so snooker players get a couple of points for that.

How to liven snooker up
Lose the suits. Then at the end of each game , turn to the audience for traditional Roman Gladiator thumbs up/thumbs down. Depending on the outcome, the winner gets to smash the loser with his snooker cue.

Poker

Another fake sport whose existence we owe to ESPN. Despite what they say, playing around with 52 cards not a sport. Remember, these are the same idiots who think that kids spelling is a sport. Never in the history of high school, has the head cheerleader dated the captain of the poker team. Sure, players might make a lot of money once in a while, but the beauty of having a gambling addiction is that they cannot hold on to the money for more than a few days. You can often find ex professional poker players sitting in seedy bars telling anybody who will listen about their glory days of turning over cards.

Sporting score 3/10
Occasionally somebody in a game of poker will wear a silly outfit and its always funny to watch a douchebag wear sunglasses indoors, therefore poker gets a couple of points purely for their spirit.

How to liven up poker

I don’t think that there is a way for poker to be an exciting spectator sport and people sitting on their asses playing card is never going to be physically exhausting. The only way to at least make it entertaining is to award points for comedy and psyching your opponent out.

Fishing

Watching fat sweaty men sitting in a confined space holding each others rods is not my idea of sport.

Sporting score 4/10
Although fishing is just fat sweaty men sitting in a confined space holding each others rods. at least they are sweating. Plus the act of actually reeling in a fish can be physically difficult therefore they get points for that as well.

How to liven up fishing
Fishing needs less waiting around and more catching. Fishing has a chance of becoming a real sport if they incorporated some dangerous fish like piranhas, whilst standing in a tiny, unstable boat with the always present danger of falling overboard.

Synchronised swimming

Sport is supposed to be competitive and aggressive. There is nothing sporting about waving your arms and legs around in time with classical music. The only interesting thing about synchronised swimming is their nose pegs and hoping to see something extra when their legs come out of the water and start flailing around.

Sporting score 5/10 
Synchronised swimming does look physically difficult, so it gets half marks on the sporting scale. But the score also reflects the fact that it is the only sport on the list which involves girls in swimsuits.

How to liven up synchronised swimming
One thing… Nudity.

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I’m an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.

8 COMMENTS

  1. HAHA! Spelling Bees? .. Really?! What about Curling! I never knew this was even a sport until I went to a bar in Canada and there it was .. people mopping ice to get a stone to a target.

  2. You had me @ nude synchronized swimming.

    On your list I fall into the dart player. I have never played a sober game, it might throw off the accuracy. Crossbows would be an interesting twist, especially at such a close distance.

    • But that was the last sentence in the post… That’s like saying “you had me at goodbye”!!!

  3. Ha! Funny list. I have to agree with all of these save diving. I actually find it quite enjoyable. Still sharks in the water would certainly step it up a notch. 😉

    • Yeah, I agree that out of all of them to watch on TV, diving is the most entertaining. Still couldn;t go wrong with sharks though!!

    • Actually im in Australia… we get televised American spelling bees and im still trying to figure out why?!

      • You get American spelling bees cos Aussies cant spell. In Australia it would be a spelling E+ instead of a spelling B.
        And yes British TV is utter crap, except The Vicar of Dibley and that Hyacinth Bucket show. They rock.

        I absolutely agree with everything you said about these dull pseudo-sports, and may I suggest that you visit the noble sport of chessboxing which livens up an otherwise boring sport http://www.slapthepenguin.com/2013/12/chess-boxing-where-brains-and-brawn-meet.html

        I especially like the idea of fishing for dynamite. Thanks for sharing your inner feelings.

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