Fast food and unhealthy additives

People complain and whinge about food until their last breath, which, given the amount of fast food and unhealthy additives they eat, isn't too far away.

I believe that you are what you eat. Which is why as I write this, I keep checking my hands to see whether they are turning into cheeseburgers. I’m good for now.

Actually, my diet isn’t too bad. I generally eat healthy (as dictated to me by my partner). We also have the occasional day where we eat pizza, burgers or some form of takeaway junk. After all, everything is fine in moderation, except cyanide… and Miley Cyrus.

I don’t have an issue with what other people eat, it’s none of my business. You can eat all of the burgers and chips that you want, just don’t come running to me to ask whether your genitalia is still there because you haven’t been able to see it for a month due to your giant gut.

My issue is with all of the weird chemicals, additives and other things that producers are putting into the food we eat that we have no idea about.

Unhealthy food

fat-kidThe standard rule for takeaway shops is that it doesn’t matter what they serve, as long as its deep fried, greasy and salty. I have arrived home from the local chip shop on more than one occasion only to discover an entire battered rat inside my takeaway bag. I ate it anyway because lets be honest, all battered food tastes the same.

Aussie takeaway is nothing compared to American food though; America is home to the greasiest, saltiest, fattiest and biggest food in the world. You only have to look at what this supersized overprocessed junk has done to their waistlines to see that they are in the midst of an I-can’t-see-my-own-genitalia obesity epidemic.

Not content with just ruining the world economy and the capital cities of far-flung Middle Eastern countries, America is trying its hardest to ruin world food as well by exporting their shit to the rest of us under the guise of it being food.

Genetically modified food

It is a triumph of man over nature that we are able to alter the genetic makeup of food. Why would I want to eat anything other than a perfectly red tomato, a perfectly bent banana or broccoli that tastes like chocolate? In fact, if all vegetables tasted like chocolate it would be much easier to make our kids eat them without having to resort to pretending the spoon is an airplane.

Science has given us seedless watermelons. I have no idea how they make baby watermelons, but I don’t care because I don’t have to pick seeds out of my teeth after eating one.

I can’t wait for the day when I will be able to grow a pizza on a tree, pull a hotdog out of the ground or train my laboratory bred frankenchicken® to stuff itself before jumping into the oven.

I can’t wait for the day when I will be able to grow a pizza on a tree, pull a hotdog out of the ground or train my laboratory bred frankenchicken® to stuff itself before jumping into the oven.

Actually, we are probably pretty close to that point already with chicken. The poor animals are fed so many different hormones to make them grow big and meaty, I’m afraid that every time we have chicken for dinner I will start to develop breasts of my own and my girlfriend will grow facial hair. I have now banned her from eating chicken. If I wanted to kiss a bearded lady I would pay a visit to the old folks home and grab-a-granny on dollar Martini night.

Fake food isn’t food

genetically modified foodOld food is supposed to look like Betty White not Carrot Top. It should start to age and go wrinkly, it should decompose, go bad and smell foul. Take a look at this McDonalds meal that didn’t go off after a year. Even worse, take a look at this burger which didn’t go off for 14 years. If I stumbled into the house after a drunken night out, I would probably eat that 14 year old burger and not even notice the difference. Its so undigestable that it probably comes out looking the same as it did when it went in, minus the pickles.

Not content with just adding things to make food more appealing and capable of surviving Armageddon, scientists these days are also filling food with non-food fillers to cut down on costs. I love a tasty ham flavoured meat substitute sandwich as much as the next guy, but enough is enough.

Take minced meat for example. It contains something scientists, very scientifically, refer to as pink slime. This is is something made of beef trimmings that used to only used in dog food and cooking oil. Essentially, pink slime is cow anus, tongue, ear and all of the shit (and maybe even shit) that you wouldn’t eat if you knew what it really was.

These trimmings are then sprayed with ammonia so they are ‘safe’ to eat and added to most ground beef as a cheap filler. Check out this story on Taco Bell which claims that their meat is actually only 35% meat. That means the other 65% must be cow anus which, based on the amount that cows fart, is not something I want to eat.

Pretty much everything we eat these days has corn in it too. It is a fact that the average supermarket food item is made up of 96% corn, 3% corn anus and 1% of a flavoured substitute to represent what the food is actually supposed to be. Except for corn that is, which is made up of 92% corn and 8% pink slime.

You are what you eat

Next time you are at the all-you-can-eat supermarket buffet of despair, just take a second to think about what is actually in the pre-packaged food that you are about to buy and remember that the cardbox box it is in is probably more nutritional than what is inside it.

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I'm an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.

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