How to decorate a Christmas tree

Another year has passed, another Christmas is here. Actually, considering the fact that Christmas starts around September these days, I should have written "another 9 months has passed, another Christmas is here". Either way... Its time to be jolly once again because Christmas is here.

My partner has some sort of mutated human gene that makes her love Christmas, I am the complete opposite, I hate Christmas. I hate the carols in September, I hate the giving and receiving of random crap that nobody honestly wants, and I hate all of the random shit that marketers tell us is festive.

I know that its a tradition, but I don’t understand the concept of Christmas tree either. Nor do I understand how a tree with random things hanging from it is related to the birth of Jesus, a fat man in a suit, reindeer, eggnog and giving presents to each other.Even worse, this year people are adding Miley Cyrus to the mix by hanging wrecking ball decorations from their tree in what can only be described as the worst thing to happen to Christmas since the release of Home Alone 5.

Dragging a tree inside and hanging crap from it really does seem like a tradition invented by a load of drunks after a big night out. It was lucky that they didn’t stumble across some roadworks, otherwise we might all have a festive ‘Christmas traffic cone’ in our lounge room instead of a tree. Regardless, the Christmas tree is a time honoured tradition that lives on and thus we must conform.Here are some tips on how to decorate your own tree.

Dragging a tree inside and hanging crap from it really does seem like a tradition invented by a load of drunks after a big night out

How to decorate a Christmas tree

Step 1 – Choose a real tree or fake tree

When I was younger, my parents would get a real Christmas tree each year; the kind where the spikes would fall off and get stuck in your feet, hands, arms, torso and eyeballs. Rather than worrying about finding a tree, getting it home, cutting it down to size and everything else. It is far easier to buy a fake tree that you only have to take out of storage each year and you don’t have to vacuum around it each day either.

Due to the magic of Christmas, fake trees even come in different colours and you don’t need to justify why there is a bright purple tree in your lounge room. Do people who go out & chop down their own Christmas trees even know that know we’ve eradicated smallpox and have indoor plumbing? Its far too much effort… Get a fake one.

Step 2 – Grab a beer

Alcohol is part of the spirit of Christmas (the part that makes it bearable) so grab yourself a drink. Make sure that you don’t drink too much and fall into the tree though, otherwise you will undo all of the hard decorating work that you are about to undertake.

Step 3 – Hang the lights

If I was to untangle the Christmas lights after last year, I would be here until next year. Take my advice and buy a fake tree with the lights already on them. There are no wires to untangle and it takes 5 minutes to set up. You also don’t have to worry about placing the lights in the perfect place because somebody in a factory has already done the hard work for you.

Step 4 – Hang random sparkly shit from the branches

Pick a couple of colours and stick to them, remember you don’t want your tree to look like a rainbow has thrown up all over it. For realism, items such as candy canes, tiny animals such as birds, tiny Santa’s and baubles with snow on them should also be hung from branches. Don’t put too much thought into where you place the items though as randomness is the key. I recommend standing a few feet back and just chucking the different decorations at the tree; it is quicker, easier and more random.

Step 4 – Put something stupid on top

You can choose a star or a fairy. Personally I prefer the fairy because she’s hot, and also because the sight of a tiny fairy with a giant tree sticking out of her ass is still amusing no matter how many times you see it.

Step 5 – Step back and admire your beautifully decorated Christmas tree

That is it. If you take my advice and follow the steps above, the whole process should take no longer than 10 minutes and you will finish decorating the Christmas tree before you finish that beer that is in your hand. Congratulations, now stand back and admire your work.


I’m an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.