What is swag and how do you get it?

Hey dipshit, you don't have swag, you are 14 years old, now go and do your homework.

At risk of sounding like my parents here… What the hell is wrong with kids these days? To many kids, nothing in life matters as much as having what they refer to as “swag”.

Swag is an overused word that stupid 14 year old kids use to describe themselves because they struggle with words containing more than 4 letters. It is something to do with the way that they dress and the way that they act. Its also a way for them to justify the ridiculous style and fucked up outfits that they wear.

It is not enough to just have swag though, you also need to talk about it continually and post countless photos of yourself and your so-called swag on the internet. If anybody speaks out against it they are referred to as “jelly”. Apparently this means we are jealous… I can assure you that we are not the slightest bit jelly, or custard, or ice cream.

Sure, people can dress how they want and act how they want. That is fine. What shits me off is that these obnoxious attention whores are everywhere and they bang on about it like they are on top of the world. I understand that you swag kids need to boast about the fact that you got dressed all by yourselves this morning, but you look like a rainbow has thrown up on you and putting your snapback sideways isn’t an achievement.

Hey dipshit, you don’t have swag, you are 14 years old, now go and do your homework.

Swag is an overused word that stupid 14 year old kids use to describe themselves because they struggle with words containing more than 4 letters.

Uses of the word swag

Due to the limited intelligence of kids these days, using multiple words to describe different things is far too difficult. Instead, they just use the word swag to describe everything. For example:

How they look;
Look at me wearing my hat sideways, I got SWAG!
What they are doing;
I just ate a sandwich, SWAG!
A sign of rebellion;
I don’t do what my parents tell me to because SWAG!
Something which doesn’t actually exist;
Because SWAG, that’s why!

To properly have swag, you need to say the word in every single conversation so that people know you are for real. For example

Guy 1: Hey whassup?
Guy 2: I got so much SWAG!
Guy 1: Shut the fuck up


Guy 1: I just got an new job which pays really well and has great career opportunities.
Guy 2: I don’t give a shit, I’ve got SWAG
Guy 1: Swag doesn’t pay the bills
Guy 2: I don’t care… YOLO SWAG
Guy 1: Can you stop talking and give me my Big Mac please

How to get swag

Some people look to celebrities like Lil Jon and Kesha as having swag and then try to emulate this look themselves.

Kesha is proof that you can be rich and famous, even if you were dragged up in a garbage bin. She looks like a dumpster tramp and drones on about about binge drinking, making money, fucking countless guys who she has just met and generally just being a degenerate member of society.

Sorry, I should have written her name correctly, she spells it Ke$ha… The $ is supposed to portray either her swag, or that she looks like a cheap hooker who charges money for sex. I can never remember which one.

Normal people may think that KeSha looks like a desperate slut, however 14 year olds seem to think that she has swag.

To get the look yourself, you should follow the steps below. A lot of it may not make sense to you but that doesn’t matter because… swag.

  • Buy some big rimmed sunglasses, preferably in white or a stupid fluorescent colour. You need to wear these all the time, even when sleeping and showering because you never know when somebody might see you deswagged.
  • You need jewellery and bigger is better. It doesn’t matter if your necklace cost $10 from K-Mart, if it is bigger than the $1000 necklace you bought from the jewellery store, the K-Mart one is better because swag
  • Buy some ugly ass clothes, preferably ones that don’t fit. It doesn’t matter if your pants are ball crushingly tight and your tshirt is 12 sizes too big… both are swag. They also shouldn’t match in any sense of the word. You should also pay $200 for this shirt but it should look it only cost you $5. As a sensible person this may not seem logical to you… but swag.
  • Pull your pants down. You need to make sure that your ass is hanging out the top of your pants. Ignore the fact that this was a prison thing which meant that you were available for other men. these days, when your pants are lower than your socks it means you have swag.
  • The most important thing you need to wear is a snapback. Preferably with the word “Obey” written on it (remember the bit about struggling with words containing more than 4 letters). It must cost you at least $80 and you need to put it on your head sideways. If it ain’t sideways, it ain’t swag. Oh, and don’t take the label off… Because swag.

Remember, now that you have the look, nothing else in life matters because everybody is “jelly” of you and “dey hatin”.

One final comment

I don’t always talk to people with swag… But when I do I ask for large fries please.

I'm an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.


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