How to deal with a telemarketer

I don't even have a landline now because anybody I actually knew would call my mobile phone and the only calls I used to get on it were from telemarketers.

I’m not going to sugar-coat it… I fucking hate telemarketers. On the scale of things I hate, I put them on the same level as slow drivers, Aids, cats and Kim Kardashian.

I am on the Do Not Call Register however, despite its name and promises, I still get sales calls. That means anybody who calls me at my house is fair game to talk to however I please.

It is annoying enough when I get a telemarketer who is calling me from Australia, but when I get a call from some douchbag in an overseas call centre who claims that their name is Dave or Gavin or Laura, it drives me insane. I’m not stupid, I know you are sat in some shitty call centre in Mumbai.Many of these overseas telemarking companies train their salesthugs to speak in an Australian accent and use Australian words such as “mate” and “g-day.”

Have you ever heard somebody with an Indian accent trying to sound like a stereotypical Australian? It sounds so fake that it is beyond funny. Maybe if they spent less time pretending to be Australian, and more time learning how to pronounce my name correctly when they call to speak to me, I might be more inclined to listen to what they have to say.

Actually that’s a lie, I won’t listen to them, nor will I be polite. I will be rude to them, because I see no obligation to be polite to a telemarketer who forces themselves on you like a whore in a brothel. They invade peoples privacy and try to manipulate them into buying something that they neither want or need. I’m sure that cold calling people all day is a shitty job but I don’t care. If you choose to take a shitty telemarketing job then you are part of the problem and you deserve all the abuse that you get.

I see no obligation to be polite to a telemarketer who forces themselves on you like a whore in a brothel

Then there are the charity telespammers who try to guilt you into donating to their charity. I am actually quite generous with my charitable donations, however I donate to the charities I want to donate to, when I want to donate to them. Not because some dickhead on the phone is trying to guilt me into it whilst I’m trying to cook dinner.

I don’t even have a landline now because anybody I actually knew would call my mobile phone and the only calls I used to get on it were from telemarketers. I didn’t see the point in paying a monthly service fee to keep a one way abuse line running in my house so I got rid of it.

How to deal with a telemarketer

Here are some fun ways to deal with telemarketers when they call.

Ask for advice

This is especially effective when a telemarketer calls during dinner because they really love it when you ignore everything they say and ask them for recipe tips.

Agree with everything the telemarketer says

A simple “yes” to show that you understand what they are saying will suffice… At the end of every sentence. I like this one because you can lead them along for a while thinking that they have a sale. Just make sure that you don;t accidentally agree to buying something!

Try to sell them something

They are calling you and trying to sell you something shitty that you don;t want, so why not try and sell them something shitty back.

Get emotional

Pretend that your long-term partner has just broken up with you and you are so glad that they called because you just want somebody to talk to and listen. This technique may be even more effective if you tell them that you will listen to what they have to say afterwards.

Pretend you don’t understand them

Whether it is a dodgy line, kids in the background making noise or that you simply don’t speak the same language as the caller. Just play dumb and see how long it takes for them to hang up.

Have a bad day

Telemarketers always start off by asking “how are you.” They don’t do this because they care, they do it to try and build a rapport with you before sucking you in with their sales pitch. Its always fun to respond with a lengthy explanation of what a crap day you have had without taking a pause for breath. The polite ones will be sympathetic, others won’t be so nice. If you don’t want to know how I’m doing, don’t ask.

Put them on hold

They are wasting your time so why not waste their time. This is my favourite technique for dealing with a telemarketer because it requires absolutely no effort on your part. Simply answer the phone and ask them to hold on for a second whilst you go and find a pen. Put the phone down on the counter and go back to watching TV.

Have you got a favourite way of dealing with telemarketers? Chuck them in the comments below. If you have had enough of unsolicited phone calls, sign up to the Do Not Call Registry.

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I’m an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.

3 COMMENTS

  1. I would like to thank you for the efforts
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  2. I agree! I have no patience for their pestering. I always find a way to get off the phone immediately. You know what’s even more annoying? Because I am a dumbass, I always sign up for those free trial services for something and then forget to cancel it on time. Then I have to call up the company and say, “I’d like to unsubscribe.” Every effing time, they make me go through this stupid process of asking me, “Are you sure you want to completely cancel your service? I’d hate to see you cancel your subscription completely. How about trying our mini subscription for a lower price? Okay. Let me sign you up for that right now.” NO.

    p.s. I also hate cats.

    • The free trail is something else completely… I signed up to a free trial at a gym and ended up buying a membership which i never used!

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