People who survive on junk food

Before eating fast food, you need to take your brain to a distant place, far away from thinking about the what is actually in your burger, or the "secret sauce" put together by a 12 year old with a hygiene problem.

I don’t eat junk food very often, but occasionally I find myself with no other choice. When I’m in a hurry, there is nothing else available to eat at the time, or when the only other option is soggy leftover salad from last night, I will put my life on the line and enter a fast food takeaway, despite the fact that the food bares a closer resemblance to the desk my computer is currently resting on, than actual food.

Before eating fast food, you need to take your brain to a distant place, far away from thinking about the what is actually in your burger, or the “secret sauce” put together by a 12 year old with a hygiene problem.

When I eat junk food

After eating junk food, I go through a number of stages;

  • First it is the happiness I feel as I’m eating,
  • Next comes confusion as I wonder what exactly I have just eaten.
  • Sickness follows pretty soon after this, where my body decides I shouldn’t have eaten it and I definitely shouldn’t have eaten so much.
  • Regret sets in next.
  • Finally I get angry with myself. This anger is two-fold; first it is anger for eating it, then it is anger for not heeding the obvious association between clowns and danger before stuffing that burger into my mouth.

For the reasons outlined above, occasionally when I have no choice other than to eat junk food, I try to stick to the healthier options such as Subway. Despite the fact that many of their so called sandwich artists operate at a pre-school, finger painting level of artistry and simply opening the wrapper is enough for your sandwich to fall all over the floor, it’s still a better choice.

People who survive on junk food

Some people live on junk food and will gorge themselves on it and take any available opportunity to shove it down their throats before laying back and letting out a big sigh of delight like junkies getting their hit.

bulking memeI call them people but honestly, some of them have eaten so much junk food that they have gravy running through their veins and their genetic make-up bares closer resemblance to a potato chip than their parents. They eat so much junk food that in hot weather they sweat grease and if you lift up their layers of fat you would probably find a half eaten burger underneath.

They then turn around and tell people that the reason they are fat is because its a medical condition and they have a really slow metabolism… Um no. Its because of you have really fast chip-eating hands and you are drawn to the McDonalds golden arches light a moth to a deep-fried lightglobe.

You see them in fast food restaurants all the time, ordering a quarter pounder, large fries, 12 onion rings and a side salad and diet coke because they are seriously trying to lose weight.

These people need fast food to survive because they either don’t know how to make anything else, or are too damn lazy to cook something healthy. They get fatter and more bloated with each mouthful that they consume then turn around and blame society for letting them get so fat because they don’t have the self control to avoid eating this shit. They will then spend the later part of their lives bleeding the healthcare system dry.

Junk food marketing

I hate that McDonalds refer to themselves as “restaurants”, as this leads the simpler people amongst us to believe that they are walking into somewhere classy. Just because you can dine in doesn’t make a fast food takeaway a restaurant any more than I would become Ke$ha if I put on a glittery mini-skirt and tried to sell myself for sex on a street corner. It is all in the marketing.

It has been proven by scientists (who since curing cancer, obviously have nothing better to do with their time), that the red and yellow colour scheme that McDonalds, Hungry Jacks and many other fast food restaurants use, actually actually make you hungry and crave their food, even though the photos of burgers that look nothing like what you actually get served. Call me crazy but when I order a burger I expect a burger not reconstituted slop in a box.

They do everything they possibly can to get people to buy and eat more food than they want, or need. They even pipe certain smells into their shops to encourage people to eat more.

This is just the start though. There are plenty of other tricks that these fast food takeaways pull to suck people in. You can learn more about the tricks fast food restaurants use here.

Call me crazy but when I order a burger I expect a burger not reconstituted slop in a box.

Junk food delivery

At least when people go to fast food restaurants they have to actually get there. Granted, they don’t have heave their fat asses out of the car, but at leas they need to get out of the house. Now though, McDonalds is offering home delivery in Australia with a trial in one of Sydney’s fattest areas. You know, because people aren’t fat and lazy enough already.

I think it is disgraceful that they are allowed to do this, especially when Australia is on the verge of an obesity epidemic. Could you imagine a cigarette shop offering home delivery? It just wouldn’t happen.

And before people come at me saying that McDonalds has salad on the menu; Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a hooker for a hug…
I'm an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.


  1. Totally funny last line! My husband and I remember a McDonald’s commercial that perhaps did not make it to Australia. It was for chicken, and the announcer states at the end: “Premium chicken, at McDonald’s?” We got a good laugh because they are pointing out that the public knows their stuff is crap.

  2. My family and I enjoy “being bad” and eating junk food on the weekends, but we don’t do it often.

    But while my kids enjoy a McDonald’s hamburger, they love ours much more. My wife and I make the burgers extra thick and add in a lot of healthy flavors.

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