So much fail at the Sochi Winter Olympics

I had predicted that the Russians would hold a massive, vodka-heavy, chain-smoking, gun-firing piss up, vaguely disguised as an opening ceremony. I was wrong.

The Winter Olympics have been on for a couple of days now and I’m still trying to figure out at what part of the figure skating I’m support to shout and scream at the TV like during football?

Let’s be honest… The only reason people are watching Sochi 2014, aside from waiting to see people land on their heads and crash into things, is to see the fails.

So far, there have been plenty of fails, most famously the unveiling of the 5 Olympic rings Sorry… 4 Olympic rings. They had seven years to prepare for this big moment and they managed to stuff it up. I can only assume that due to Russia’s anti-gay agenda, the 5th ring was gay and didn’t want to come out.

Thankfully, the moment has already been immortalised as a t-shirt.

I can only assume that due to Russia’s anti-gay agenda, the 5th ring was gay and didn’t want to come out.

Olympic fails

Nobody had heard of Sochi before the Winter Olympics, even the spellchecker on my computer needed an education. This was their one chance to put the town on the map and they fucked it up more than Paris Hilton fucked up her good family name.

To start with, check out these photos of some of the Sochi fails that journalists tweeted out upon their arrival. I would list them all here but this post would go on for longer than a list of Russian human rights abuses so just click on the link above.

Sochi Fails

There is half finished construction everywhere including giant holes in the ground, the hotels look like they were built by the neighbourhood Vlad after a night out on the vodka, and some of the design idea are truly dumbfounding. In all honesty though what did they expect? When you ban gay people from your town, the interior design is obviously going to suffer.

The organisers spent about as much time focusing on the hotels and infrastructure as they spent coming up with their terribly brilliant slogan “Hot. Cool. Yours.” I’m unsure whether they are talking about the Olympics or describing my girlfriends personality.

There is so much wrong with this slogan that I’m unsure of where to start. First of all, its not “hot” it is fucking freezing, that is the point of the Winter Olympics. Second, nobody has used the word “cool” to describe an event since the Jamaican Bobsled Team took to the track in the 90’s, And what the hell is “mine” exactly?

Sorry Sochi but your slogan is the worst slogan used for anything in the history of all things ever. Oh, and I’m starting to think that the word Sochi is actually Russian for empty stadium.

Olympics Opening Ceremony

I had predicted that the Russians would hold a massive, vodka-heavy, chain-smoking, gun-firing piss up, vaguely disguised as an opening ceremony. I was wrong. The majority of the ceremony was actually quite good and the way they set it up with the athletes walking up from the middle of the stadium was kind of cool (I felt obliged to use that there).

The full ceremony included an extremely random military police band cover of Daft Punk’s Get Lucky, a rundown of the Russian alphabet, some famous Russian things nobody can pronounce despite just completing a crash course in the Russian alphabet, and, in fitting with all stereotypes… a stray dog.

Winter Olympic Ceremony

Local broadcasts used official Russian signals for their images so needless to say, if you enjoy countless cutaways to very uninterested looking Russian leader’s, you would have enjoyed this. At least he had his shirt on.

Olympic opening ceremonies are always 70% people flying through the air on wires and Russia didn’t disappoint on that front with giant conveyor belts dragging props, people and scenery the length of the stadium through the air. It did look spectacular at points.

In true Russian style though, they combined some of Russia’s best features with tacky strobe lights, fog machines, and LED lit rollerskates. The only thing missing was a poorly made-up Russian girl getting bent over a couch inside the aptly pornographic sounding Fisht stadium.

I was thoroughly disappointed that Borat didn’t make an appearance to sing the national anthem and tell the world about Russian exports though.

Winter Olympic fashion

Sochi 2014 seems to be the place where fashion goes to die. Half of the outfits resemble horrific 1980’s shellsuits in both design and styling. Watch any downhill event such as skiing or snowboarding and your eyeball won’t make it to the end without suffering a seizure from the clashing colours.

Winter Olympic Fashion USAMost winter sports involve wearing Lycra and moving fast over ice. There isn’t really much you can do to ruin Lycra any more than it has already been ruined by being Lycra. So instead, countries have gone all out to ruin every other clothing item that their team members have been supplied with.

Winter olympic Fashion GermanyThe Americans claim that Ralph Lauren designed their outfits but I think that my grandma may have knitted them during some down time in between watching soap operas on TV. they look like a throwback to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air and I am 90% certain that they found them in the sale bin at a charity shop.

The German Winter Olympic team uniforms look like a rainbow has thrown up over them. Some people have suggested that the outfits are in protest against Russia anti gay stance, however the Germans have responded by saying it isn’t that at all, it is simply fashion. I think they are delusional, because fashionable is right at the bottom of the list of words I would use to describe their outfits after “what the fuck were they thinking?” and “QUICK, somebody hand be that fork so that I can stab myself in the eyeball“.

I think it is fair to say that the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics will go down in history as one of the least fashionable sporting events ever held.

Anyway that’s enough writing for now. Curling is about to start so I’m off to stand inside a freezer and listen to the Sochi theme song on loop to help me forget that the part of the world I’m in is currently suffering through another heatwave.

What do you think? How are you enjoying the Winter Olympics?

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I’m an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.

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