Tedious election campaigns

Elections are like sex; they happen once every 4 years and by the end somebody is always going to be disappointed.

election poster

After the people have voted, we hand the power over to a different idiot for the foreseeable future and hope that they don’t stuff it up too much. Choosing a politician is like choosing which disease you would rather have. Well I don’t like Syphilis, but I like smallpox even less, so I’ll settle for Syphilis.

In Australia, it doesn’t matter who you vote for because half of the time some random party wins a seat because of back-room deals. Explain to me how somebody can get 27% of the vote and win a single seat whilst somebody else gets 0.5% of the vote and also wins a single seat?

In Federal politics, we have just removed a Government who couldn’t decide on a leader so stabbed the Prime Minister in the back and replaced him/her/it once a week over the course of their time in power. Recently, they lost the election to a guy who looks like somebody has pulled their scrotum back and drawn a face on it.

After being dragged kicking and screaming, through the longest Federal election campaign in history at the end of last year, we now have a state election coming up in South Australia to deal with. The prospect of it is so bad, I have seriously contemplated moving to Tasmania until it is over… Tasmania.

Choosing a politician is like choosing which disease you would rather have. Well I don’t like Syphilis, but I like smallpox even less, so I’ll settle for Syphilis.

Election campaigns go on forever

Election campaigns are the most monotonous, boring, tedious thing in the world. In fact, they are only eclipsed in monotony and length by the film 2001 A Space Odyssey.

Election Campaign Quote

I cannot stand the lead up to an election. Political talk is everywhere. You cannot turn on the TV or radio without hearing a politician blurt a soon-to-be-broken election promise out of their mouth. Then they will talk, argue and debate issues in a pathetic childlike pissing match. When one side says something, no matter how much sense it makes, the other side will argue until they are blue in the face.

I understand that the whole point of an opposition is to disagree on things but they take it to such extremes that it becomes silly and a complete waste of time for everybody. I’m going out on a limb with what I’m about to suggest, but how much more effective would this country, and state, be if politicians grew a pair, ignored pathetic party politics and pissing matches.

Imagine if instead of choosing to argue for the sake of arguing, politicians chose to stand for what makes sense in the best interest of the people beyond the next 4 years, regardless of who makes the suggestion. The one thing that drives me crazy above everything else though are the election posters. You can’t even walk down the street without seeing the faces of hundreds of politicians plastered over every single lamp post. It really annoys me that I have to see some hairy, old, obese bearded guy 947 times every time I drive to work. they don’t even tell us anything, they are literally just giant photos of people.

I dread to think about how much money they waste putting these posters up each time there is an election. They are on every single available space, I understand that politicians must think that the general public are stupid, but do they really think that we have forgotten what they look like during the drive between 2 street lights which are situated next to each other?

How much more effective would this country, and state, be if politicians grew a pair, ignored pathetic party politics and pissing matches

My plan for the state

Lets face it, politicians make shit up all the time to win elections. They spurt out a cocktail of bullshit made up from a combination of what they think the people want and the opposite of what their opponents say. In the end though, it doesn’t matter what they say because they will break their promises and leave the people who voted them into power more disappointed than Miley Cyrus’ parents. Regardless, listen up politicians because here is my is my plan to get South Australia back on track.

Don’t have a budget

If the state doesn’t have a budget, people can’t complain when we don’t stick to it. Therefore I propose to scrap the budget and just make wild claims about how much money we have. Essentially this is what the Government already does, it would just remove the accountability.

Steal from the other states

I’m not suggesting that we steal anything big. We could just get some public servants to get off their asses and take a trip over to Victoria and steal smaller things such as hospital supplies and stationary (that shit is expensive). I steal pens and band-aids from work all the time and nobody even notices they are missing.

Stop wasting money on pointless consultants

Every single thing that the Government does requires countless consultations from organisations that charge far to much. Generally the outcome of these consultations are what the majority of sensible people would have guessed anyway. I propose to stop with the pointless consulting and instead turn to Google and Wikipedia. They got me through 2 university degrees. As a final consultation, I volunteer to do a study into the effectiveness of this plan.

Get rid of bus lanes

Why? Because buses are the stupidest mode of public transport ever invented. Everybody hates buses. If buses had feelings they would even hate themselves. They are loud, they smell, they are slow, they clog up the road, they are uncomfortable, they are always late and in South Australia they are painted an obnoxious bright yellow colour. If you get rid of buses, people will get to work and appointments on time thus creating more income for their company and getting the economy back on track. Plus public transport is full of crazy people.

So anyway, we have another tedious election on the horizon and I can’t wait until its over. I can only hope that some politician gets caught in a compromising situation with a monkey, a goat, 3 Mars Bars and a Barbie doll because it would be a scandal, and I would definitely vote for that guy.
I'm an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.