Watching the Superbowl as an Australian

Today was Superbowl 2014, or XLVIII if you enjoy writing in Roman numerals which Americans apparently do. I'll be back in 5 minutes, I'm just going to go and figure out what that means.

Today is the day when America crowns one of its NFL teams the “World Champions”. Yes, self-proclaimed World Champions of the sport that only they play. That’s like me calling myself the World Champion of boomerang throwing because I’m in Australia.

To most Australian’s, the Superbowl is the one day where they fake an interest in American Football to try and pass themselves off as cool to their friends. In fact, I know many Aussies who think that the goal of American Football is to slam dunk the puck into the hole.

Despite what many Australians may think, the Superbowl isn’t an extreme version of lawn bowls with old men wearing helmets and running into each other either. Instead, it is a game played between giant men who run into each other like dogs running into screen doors whilst occasionaly glancing to the sidelines to ogle scantily-clad cheerleaders.

I am actually a massive American Football fan. It all started off about 6 years ago when I picked up a copy of Madden for the PlayStation and I’ve been hooked ever since. Ironically, the PlayStation is the only way Denver fans are going to see the Vince Lombardi trophy this year.

Despite what many Australians may think, the Superbowl isn’t an extreme version of lawn bowls with old men wearing helmets and running into each other either.

Football commentators

I have written about some of the annoying and stupid things that sports commentators say before (much to the annoyance of a couple of friends who are professional sports commentators). But I love American Football commentators because they get so excited.

No matter how many times I watch American sports, it always amuses me to hear the commentators to refer to the defence as “the D”. In Australia, that is short for “the dick” as in “she loves the D“.

It’s always hilarious to hear commentators say things like “The D was all over him there”, “That’s some great D” and my personal favourite “That’s some solid D in the end zone”.

Superbowl halftime show

The half time show always gets an equal amount of attention from people who love the game and people who have never even seen an NFL game before.Listen up Australia because THIS is how you run a half time show, not that bullshit you guys keep trying to pull at the AFL Grand Final each year.

This year the NFL had the Red Hot Chilli Peppers and Bruno Mars. I was actually surprised that the Broncos didn’t try to put him in their lineup for the second half; He is so short he could probably play running back and run between the legs of the Seahawks offensive line which might have given them an edge.

I was waiting for somebody to come out and rip Bruno Mars’ shirt off in a throwback to Janet Jackson. Unfortunately it didn’t happen. I think the NFL missed a trick there.

If nothing else, the halftime show is always one of the biggest and most spectacular musical performances of the year and it always draws plenty of attention, as do the commercials at halftime which you can watch here. This year, once again didn’t disappoint.

The Superbowl blowout continues

The first half was brutal, with Seahawks showing complete class whilst the Broncos failed to get a single point on the scoreboard. The one-sided scoring continued into the second half, with no letting up from the Seahawks. The last time I saw a blowout this hard I was watching a porno.

The game was over well before the end. Denver fans were spotted giving up and leaving the stadium early into the second half. It was the ultimate walk of shame as they knew that there was no chance for a comeback. Final score 43-8 to Seattle.To increase their chances of taking home a trophy, next year the Broncos are going to play in the Lingerie Football League.

In the end, to win a professional sporting competition it comes down to teamwork and the Broncos just didn’t play well as a team. Remember kids, there is no “I” in team… There is also no “team” in Denver.

I would make another Broncos joke but I don’t like to beat a dead horse.


I’m an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.