I should preface this rant by saying – yes, I’m dating a guy with a beard so I’m not completely immune to their charm, but when you spend your time with a bearded man 24/7 the charm wears thin my friends.
From one girl to another – dating a guy with a beard isn’t as cool as it looks. Allow me to explain why.
Girls and beards
I’ll admit that I’m not immune to a little jealousy from time to time. If you’ve ever had a drunk female stumble her way across the bar to come and talk to your boyfriend while you sat back and silently boiled with contempt, then take that feeling and multiply it by 100.
Beards are like a conversation piece. Much like a nice watch, a car, or a set of fake tits – they give people an easy thing to commence a discussion about. Ever since The Secret Hipster Counsel decided beards were the new flannel, every girl in tortoise rim glasses and a side satchel now thinks my bearded boyfriend would like do nothing more than talk to her about Mumford & Son and how many secret tattoos she has.
Seriously, kill me now.
Guys and beards
Yeah, for some strange reason, guys are obsessed with other guys beards. I’mm not talking about gay guys, it actually has nothing to do with sexual orientation. Have you ever heard the terms “Man Crush” or “Bromance”, well that’s pretty much what happens any time another dude sees a bearded guy. Guys actually lay it on even thicker than the ladies in my experience.
Ladies, if you want to go out to a bar without getting hit on by a guy, bring a bearded gentleman with you. Trust me, the men will be much more interested in talking to him about his beard then asking you what star sign you are, or how much it hurt when you fell from Heaven.
Sounds pretty great, right? Except that when it happens EVERY time you start to feel a little like you’re in The Twilight Zone.
Sometimes I want to just whip my tits out and be like “Look boys! BOOBIES here, check ‘em out!”, but I’m scared they’d just glance over before quickly returning to asking my boyfriend how long it took him to grow his beard out.
It doesn’t just stop with other guys asking a couple of questions or complimenting it, they will often even offer to buy him a drink – FOR NO REASON. Literally all he had to do was have a stupid beard hanging from his face.
Apparently beards are the number 1 quality that people look for in a new best friend in case you were looking for ways to expand your social circle.
I can’t quite explain what the fascination is that non-bearded dudes have for an epically bearded man, but I think it must be something primal. I imagine in caveman days if a guy saw another man with muscles, a big dong, or a wildebeest slumped over his shoulder, they would probably go over and be like “Oh hey, you seem awesomely powerful – let me offer you this rabbit I speared as a gesture of respect, and also please don’t kill me and take my woman.” That’s kind of what I feel like is happening when guys talk to my boyfriend about his beard.
Sometimes I want to just whip my tits out and be like “Look boys! BOOBIES here, check ‘em out!”, but I’m scared they’d just glance over before quickly returning to asking my boyfriend how long it took him to grow his beard out
A bearded guy doesn’t require a nickname
Here’s an example of a conversation I’ve heard at least 45 times: “Dude, that’s a sick/epic/awesome/cool beard you have there. How long did that take you to grow? You look like friggen ___________”
For some reason, as soon as a guy starts talking to another guy with a beard, he can’t go 30 seconds without comparing the bearded guy to somebody. There is no joke or nickname you can say to a guy with a beard that he hasn’t already heard a thousand times.
- A sasquatch
- Duck Dynasty
- ZZ Top
- ZZ Top
- ZZ Top
- A Viking
- Grizzly Adams
- Charles Darwin
- A terrorist
Guess what… Beards are not very clean. Even the most conscientious beard keeper often has crumbs and/or drink entangled all up in their business. I don’t even what to know how many bugs want to make it their winter home.
Oh, and kissing is out of the question. Trying to find a mouth through a moustache is like trying to find a needle in a hairy haystack.
The worst part though is that like any other follicle on the human body, beard hairs fall out. They fall out on your clothes, on your floor, in your shower, except they’re not just like regular hairs – they’re basically pubes on steroids. So if you want to date a guy with a beard I suggest you invest in some professional grade lint rollers.
Oh, and what the fuck is up with guys getting beard implants? I can’t believe that it’s even a real thing. Any trend that tries to imitate someone who doesn’t give a shit, by giving entirely too many shits, is ridiculous. To the people thinking about getting a beard implant, don’t. It will save you lots of money and whatever’s left of your pride.
All that being said, I love my boyfriend and his crazy long beard very much. Personally, I like to wait for him to get home and walk through the door while reciting the line “I’ve travelled 500 miles to deliver you my seed” in my head. That part somehow NEVER gets old.Now, if you’ll excuse me – I have to go back to furiously praying that the “beard trend” will go out of style faster than crystal-encrusted velour tracksuits.