We ended up sitting through three entire episodes of Geordie Shore and afterwards, we both found ourselves lost and confused about what had just happened.
I found myself unable to string a proper sentence together and then, as I stood up from the sofa I had an overwhelming urge to dry hump the first thing I saw. Thankfully my dog can move quicker than I can.
If you haven’t watched Geordie Shore before, let me to fill you in on what you’re missing.
What is Geordie Shore?
The show centres around a group of extremely orange young adults who live in a house together, have an extremely low tolerance for alcohol, and are quite possibly the most shallow creatures walking the earth.
The girls wear far too much makeup and very little clothing. The guys wear too much makeup, very little clothing and optional V-necks that reach the floor (I say optional because most of the time they are topless).
I can only assume that the distinct lack of clothing is because their brains are incapable of figuring out appropriate clothing considering that the weather in Newcastle is freezing cold for most of the year.
The show centres around a group of extremely orange young adults who live in a house together
I call them adults but use that term very loosely because mentally they all seem to be about 12 years old. Amazingly though, they all managed to survive to a physical age where drinking alcohol is legal. They take advantage of this by drinking enough booze to make Lindsay Lohan seem like a lightweight.
In between binge drinking, they have sex with anything that moves. In the few episodes I watched, the things they had sex with were all borderline human, but I wouldn’t put it past them to go further.
Now, despite the fact that they all live in a house together and have cameras on them 24 hours a day, there is absolute no storyline or anything remotely interesting that happens during an episode of Geordie Shore.
Each day around lunchtime they wake up with a hangover before spewing up the remains of last night into the nearest available object. Next, they spend 3 hours slapping makeup on their faces, argue, go out to a club, complain about stuff in a whiny voice, get in a fight, pick up a girl/boy, fight some more, have sex, pass out, repeat. It is the television equivalent of a teenagers Facebook page.
The saddest part of the whole show though is how serious and worked up they all get over nothing. Here’s an example from what I could gather; Charlotte and Gary like each other, Gary goes out every night and picks up a different dirty slut from whatever shitty bar they happen to be in that night, whilst ignoring Charlotte who goes out and gets really drunk. If anybody hits on Charlotte, Gary will get angry and break something. He then tells Charlotte how much he cares about her before going out again and picking up a different dirty slut. Thats it. Thats literally Geordie Shore in an STD infected nutshell.
Geordie Shore is a celebration of being a complete degenerate piece of shit.
What I learnt from watching Geordie Shore
After sitting through three entire episodes of Geordie Shore I’ve learnt the following;
Looks are everything, especially when you look like a complete bellend yourself
Everybody who isn’t one of the Geordie Shore crew apparently “looks like a fucking cock.” In the real world however, where the rest of us live, it is them who look like a cocks. Also orange is the new… um, everything. They all wear so much fake tan that they literally light up a room when they enter, not from their personalities but from the amount of light bouncing off of their skin.
Personality means nothing to somebody with the personality of a brick
One girl said “I don’t hook up with anybody unless they have a 6 pack,” which I found ironic considering the amount of fat she had pouring out through every hole in the overly tight, slutty piece of cloth she referred to as her outfit.
Clothing is over-rated
Clothing for the woman on the show should be as small as possible. Clothing for the guys seems to be optional. When the guys do wear clothes they can often be found wearing stringlet vests with their nipples visible from the side, which, regardless of how much time you spend at the gym, isn’t a good look for anybody.
Drinking solves everything
According to the Geordie Shore, drinking can solve all of your problems. This is especially true when you have absolutely nothing in your life to live for besides drinking. I hope if one of them ever needs a liver transplant, their request is flatly denied and the organ is given to somebody much more deserving who will take care of it.
Conversation is over-rated
“Getun mortal” is douchebag language which loosely translates to mean getting so drunk you can’t string 2 words together so instead of speaking like a normal person you shout and scream a lot before punching something. During the tiny part of the day when they are not drunk, their actions are interspersed with occasional conversation. I say conversation, but their grasp of the English language is only slightly better than that of a less intelligent Hodor from Game of Thrones. The only words they seem to know are “mortal” “bang” “banter” and “fuck”.
Work is for losers
Occasionally the housemates on Geordie Shore are forced to do incredibly difficult real work such as giving spray tans, massaging, or working in a burger van. They don’t like doing this since real work eats into their time existing as completely worthless members of society.
They have the collective opinion that real work is beneath them, as was proven by one of the guys, who proudly proclaimed “my full-time occupation is smashing birds.” Then again it must be difficult to function as a normal human being when you only have half a brain and the other half is constantly being dwindled away by the excessive amounts of alcohol you consume.
Their grasp of the English language is only slightly better than that of Hodor from Game of Thrones.
Avert your eyes
Save your sanity and your dignity and do not watch this obscene garbage. It would be less painful and far more entertaining to hit yourself over the head with a hammer.
I think that watching Geordie Shore gave me an STD through the television.