One minute you’re admiring the texture of your espresso and the next you’re locking a barista in your basement to use as your own disgusting coffee slave. Yes, being a coffee snob can be a slippery (and disgusting) slope. But if you know what to look for, there’s a chance you can turn back now before it’s too late. Here are the signs.
You refer to yourself as a coffee snob
Openly referring to yourself as a coffee snob is a pretty good indication that you are one. In fact, some say it’s a dead giveaway. But the news isn’t all bad, because congratulations! Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. You can beat this!
You have a thing about milk
These days there are a million different types of milk. If you insist on making your coffee with only a very special, very expensive type of milk with added this or reduced that, you’re in danger of becoming a coffee snob. Remember, there are really only two types of milk: off and not off.
You don’t even call it coffee
Have you ever gone to a coffee shop and just asked for “a cup of coffee”? Wow, I did it once and I won’t be doing it again. The waiter went cross-eyed with rage, because, dummy, you can’t just order coffee – it turns out it doesn’t exist. Here’s just a few examples of what does exist: affogato, café au lait, latte, cappuccino, espresso, macchiato and ristretto.
A stand out sign that you’re a coffee snob is when you order something with such a long, wanky sounding name, that it takes you 5 minutes just to place your order. People only do it to appear smarter in public “I’ll have a grande extra hot, soy, mocha frappé latte caramel macchiato, extra foam, stirred clockwise 17 times with a golden spoon please”
I’ll have a grande extra hot, soy, mocha frappé latte caramel macchiato, extra foam, stirred clockwise 17 times with a golden spoon please
Pots, percolators, plungers – if you have more than one way to make coffee in your house, you score pretty high on the snob test. If you have a special coffee machine that you only use on weekends, you’re off the chart and maybe slightly insane.
Your coffee machine looks like a drug lab
Have you seen these things? Apparently they’re called siphon coffee makers, but they look like something Walter White built. Honestly, if you’re using one of these, you’re too far down the coffee snob path. Hand yourself in to authorities before you do any more damage Walter.
You’re a connoisseur of latte art
Getting a kick out of a few squiggles in the top of your latte is one thing, but posting photos of them online is a whole other, way worse thing. If you’ve ever done this, you could have a problem.
You would rather no coffee than instant coffee
Don’t forget, it’s not “pretty soon coffee” or “anytime now coffee”. It’s instant coffee! That’s got to count for something. Sure, it tastes like a cat has just pissed in your mug, but at least it contains caffeine right?
If refer to your barista by name, or mention him or her in conversations with friends or – hang on a second – if you even have “a barista”, you’re too invested in this. Drink around a little, see other baristas – barista dependence can quickly lead to you becoming a coffee snob.
Extra extra jumbo size
This one is similar to the way rich people like to have big cars. By carrying around your takeaway coffee in a cup the size of a Pringles tube, you’re telling other people, “My coffee is more important than yours.” Classic coffee snob move.
You use annoying coffee “jokes” in conversation
Sure, I’m a bit of a coffee snob but if I ever hear anybody say one of those so-called “hilarious” coffee jokes in conversation its enough to drive me to an instant rage. Simply uttering the phrase “no coffee, no workee”, will force me to reassess our friendship.
So there they are – the signs you’re a coffee snob.
If you can relate to a few of them, maybe it’s time to cool out a little when it comes to coffee. If you can relate to all of them, immediately put down your vanilla bean mocha frappuccino and call for help.