World Cup for people who know nothing about football

If you know nothing about football you might have to fake it until you make it during the World Cup in Brazil.

watching world cup football

Grab your TV remote and get ready to dance the Samba, the World Cup has started in Brazil. that means for the next couple of weeks, all you are going to hear about is football so you had better get used to it.

For Australians, its that other kind of football with the round ball. For Americans, its that game you take your pre-teen daughter to play. For the rest of the world though, football is the biggest sport around.

Whether you are a football fan or not, the World Cup is a time to kick back and watch the best players in the world run around a grass field, kick things and roll around on the floor holding their legs.

Over the coming weeks you may find yourself sitting in front of a TV with no idea what is going on. Thats why I have put together this simple guide for those of you who are new to football.

Things to say when watching football

The best way to fake that you know anything whatsoever about a sport is to say the right thing at the right time. Simply refer to this handy guide and you’ll be fooling even the most seasoned football fan in no time.

When anything happens and you hear the crowd cheer

  • “Well played”

When a player on your team gets the ball from the other team

  • “Nice tackle”
  • “Well played”
  • “Useless (insert derogatory name for opposition team)”

When a player from the other team gets the ball from your team

  • “You fucking cheating twat”
  • “Foul”
  • “Are you blind ref”

When anybody from your team is near the opposition goal

  • “Go on”
  • “Kick it”
  • “Penalty ref”

 When anyone from the other team is near the opposition goal

  • “He’s gonna dive”
  • “Offside ref, he’s offside”
  • “Tackle him”

When the ball goes in the goal

  • “Goal”
  • “Gooooooooaaaaaaaaalllllllllllll”
  • “Brilliant”
  • Also… feel free to lift your shirt up over your head and run around the room.

When the referee awards a free kick to your country

  • “Good decision”
  • “Best ref ever”
  • “Well played”
  • “Red card”

When the referee awards a free kick to the other country

  • “Are you blind ref”
  • “I bet you like sucking on that whistle you twat”
  • “Hey ref, I found your cell phone, you’ve got 5 missed calls”

Get that authentic football stadium feeling at home

If you have ever watched a game on TV you will know that there is plenty of singing and chanting from the crowd. Try one of the following;

  • ♫”Kick the ball in the goal, kick the ball in the goal, lalalalalala kick the ball in the goal”♫
  • ♫”You’re going home in the back of an ambulance”♫
  • ♫”Olé, Olé Olé Olé, Olé, Olé “♫

Football playersIf you want to liven up the atmosphere, try lighting a firecracker and throwing it at the television for that authentic football stadium feeling.

Whenever anything remotely interesting happens, jump up out of your seat and throw your hands in the air. This is an effective technique because it works when your team scores and also when your team comes close to scoring. It also works when the opposition come close to scoring but miss. In fact, the only time this won’t work is if the opposition actually do score, then you will just look like an idiot.

When celebrating a goal, jump up in the air and spill beer over everybody else around you. Preferably do this at the start of the game so that there’s plenty of time for it to get sticky and smell.

Fake it until you make it

Whether you are watching at home or at a bar, hopefully that is enough to get you well on the way to faking it better than an Italian striker faking an injury. Remember, if at any point you feel lost or confused simple yell something at the TV. It doesn’t matter what you yell or when you yell it as long as you say it with passion.


I'm an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.