The answer to the question “why are the Kardashians famous” has plagued mankind for a number of years, and after much research I’m afraid that we are no closer to an answer. From what I can establish, they are just a bunch of unattractive, overdramatic, egotistical wastes of space.
Despite this, every website, TV show, newspaper, and magazine seems to be littered with photos of the Kardashians doing the least interesting things in human existence such as driving, shopping, and walking a dog. Seriously, these are some of the mind-numbingly uninteresting headlines floating around “Kim Kardashian: Psychic Predicted Fame,” “Kim Kardashian Calls Sisters Best Friends,” “Kim Kardashian Does a Sexy Switcheroo With Her Outfits.
Inexplicably, these headlines encourage people with a lot of air in their heads to buy magazines and click on links, which in turn makes Rupert Murdoch a lot of money and he gives the Kardashians more coverage. Or something like that.
Regardless of their lack of any describable talent, interest or intelligence, the name continually pops up on the list of most searched terms on Google. This is undoubtedly because people are searching for an answer to the question “what the hell is a Kardashian”.
I will now attempt to figure that out and assess this juggernaut of modern pop culture. As a causal observer, the following are just my own opinions which have been formed by years of seeing these publicity hungry media whores everywhere I look.
Everybody has one family member who embarrasses everyone else… For Hollywood, the Kardashians are that family member.
Who are the Kardashians?
A Kardashian refers to a female who is willing to do anything to fulfil their neverending need for media attention. A Kardashian is vapid, shallow, and burdened with zero talent and a large rear end. Because of this, one can only assume that the entire family’s empire came about from selling their souls to the Devil.
With an arse the size of a double decker bus, publicity whore Kim is the leader of the Kardashian klan. In 2009, despite being famous for nothing more than breathing, she was immortalized into a wax figure at Madame Tussuads alongside people with actual talent and influence. More recently, she married egotist Kanye West which lead to people to putting their names together to make Kimye, but I think a more suitable name would be Slunt.
Kourtney is often referred to as “that other Kardashian“. She is also the one who gave birth in front of TV cameras despite the fact that nobody actually wanted to see her girl bits on a giant screen. There was one positive to come out of this shameful moment in TV history as it disproved the myth that it was only possible for things to go into a Kardashian vagina, not out of one.
Rounding off the trio of sisters with poorly spelt names is Khloe, the monolith of a woman who stands a good foot in height above her sisters. Unfortunately for Khole, her size makes her the misfit of the family. She would make an interesting science experiment not only because she’s 8 foot tall with a humongous head, but because she is even less interesting than her sisters, which up until now was deemed scientifically impossible..
Kris is the mother and behind the scenes matriarch of the Kardashian family. She is the epitome of a mother who lives vicariously through her children. The amount of care people have for Kris is less that the amount of care they have for the rest of the Kardashians yet despite this, she still manages to get her plastic face front and centre at every available opportunity. That said, she is the brains behind the brand therefore one can only assume she must be very good at manipulating people and getting her way.
There are a couple more sisters as well as a load of other people who follow the family around, marry into the family for a week, and waste valuable air which could be better utliised by other people. I don’t know who any of them they are and I don’t care, but the chances are that they are rich, famous in their own right, and have something which the family can leverage from for their own fame.
To keep up with a Kardashian you literally just have to pass 6th grade
Why are the Kardashians famous?
A series of unfortunate events occurred which lead to the existence of the Kardashians as we know them today. Their father was attorney Robert Kardashian, who gained a boost of fame when he defended his friend O.J. Simpson during his high-profile murder trial in 1996. Their mum Kris is currently married to their stepfather; Olympic athlete Bruce Jenner.
According to rumours, Kim’s path to fame started when she was 12 years old and had the high flying career aspirations of wanting to be on reality TV. Unfortunately, her parents didn’t beat those dreams out of her, but encouraged her to pursue them.
She went on to make friends with Paris Hilton, another worthless attention seeker, and soon after something happened involving a sex tape with a c-grade rapper. I can’t tell you anything more because whilst researching this post, I gave up and lost the will to live.
To a casual onlooker such as myself, the Kardashians have achieved absolutely nothing noteworthy in their lives, aside from continuing to breathe. They also seem to be quite good at walking round with cameras in their faces 24 hours a day, although I can only assume that they utilise a technique developed for performance animals in the circus, by employing somebody to rub peanut butter inside their mouths to make it look like they are actually talking on camera.
I assume the Kardashians employ somebody to rub peanut butter inside their mouths to make it look like they are talking on camera
Despite the family’s immense lack of talent, because one of them released a sex tape (a pretty poor one from what I’ve heard) and claimed she was famous, people with tiny brains became interested in their lives. Suddenly, the family found themselves the focal point of a reality TV show called Keeping up with the Kardashians. I have watched an episode and would describe it as only slightly less painful than Ebola. Here’s a hint so that you don’t have to watch the show; to keep up with a Kardashian you literally just have to pass 6th grade.
Apparently a large number of braindead people actually watched the show. This caused somebody somewhere to make a shitload of money and because of this, the family were given 37 additional reality TV shows. These followed every aspect of their lives, from their choice of clothes and make-up, through to how many ply the toilet paper is that they use to wipe up the shit dribbling from their mouths.
The Kardashian brand
Credit where credit is due, they (or more fittingly, the people they employ) know how to build a brand and know how to sell things, despite the fact that none of Hollywood takes them seriously. Everybody has one family member who embarrasses everyone else… For Hollywood, the Kardashians are that family member.
Apparently, some people look up to the Kardiashians as icons of style. Now I’m no fashionista, but I think their look is trashy, over the top and it reminds me of something a drag queen would wear.
Also, none of the Kardashians are attractive. They are plain, plump and Kim’s ass spends so much time in the makeup chair that she could probably claim the chair as an appendage to her body. On top of all the make-up, she has fake eyes, fake hair, fake tan, a fake plastic face, fake nails etc etc etc. I’m sure waking up in the middle of the night, flicking on the light and seeing a plain old Kardashian without a a tonne of makeup on would be enough to make any man wet themselves in fear.
One final note on the Kardashians
The one thing that grinds my gears more than anything else about the Kardashians is that after all this fakery, they then have the audacity to sell themselves as “real woman”. People throw that term around far too much. What is a real woman anyway?
Guess what. Having an ass that could squash a car doesn’t make you a real woman any more than another woman with a tight toned butt or an ass as flat as a pancake. My fiancée is a small girls, she always has been and probably always will be, it is called genetics. She is fit, healthy and probably eats more than me. I’m pretty sure that she is real woman too, unless I’ve been imagining her all these years! Overweight woman have suddenly seen the Kardashians as role models to put smaller woman down. Guess what girls… It doesn’t matter if you weigh 50 kilos or 250 kilos, you are all real woman. Apart from the Kardashians of course, who are closer to 30% real woman and 70% fake product.
The sooner people get over this obsession with the Kardashians, the better. Hopefully if people ignore them they will go away.