On the weekend, as I was flicking through the TV when I made the foolish mistake of stopping on the SyFy channel which was showing a movie called Bermuda Tentacles.
In the true tradition of any movie put out by SyFy, it was a bad story which was badly written, badly acted, badly shot, badly edited with bad special effects, bad continuity, and… well bad everything. I find it hard to believe that anybody could intentionally make something this bad. It honestly looked like it was cobbled together by a child… In 1993.
Bermuda Tentacles stars an ageing Linda Hamilton who you may remember as Sarah Conner in Terminator. From what I could work out, she was the only person in the entire movie who you could honestly label as an ‘actor’. Everybody else just seemed to be reading directly off a cue card with no time for a second take. It was like watching a group of awkward school students in their end of year production.
I can only assume that everybody else in the movie was waiting for a bus outside the studio on the first day of filming. The producers, unable to shoot their movie because no real actors wanted to have their names associated with such tripe, encouraged them inside with the offer of a free lunch and the chance to shoot at silly sea creatures whilst yelling incomprehensible dialogue at a camera.
You know how movies are supposed to make you root for the heroes to kick some serious monster ass then come home in a wave of glory. Well, about 10 minutes into Bermuda Tentacles I hoped they would all become sea monster food.
Bermuda Tentacles is what would happen if a 14 year old Michael Bay was given hallucinogenic drugs, 97 dollars, a GoPro camera and 12 hours.
In my Sharknado post, I discussed some of the pissweak production used in these moves. Things like reusing the same footage over and over, taking footage from other films that don’t even match, and stretching out scenes where there isn’t enough actual story just to fill time. Despite my wishes to emulate the production level of these movies, I won’t reuse the same content here, so click on this link if you want to read it.
The real disaster of this movie isn’t the monsters or the special effects though, it is the script. Aside from the complete ridiculousness of the storyline, the dialogue was so awkward that one could be excuses for assuming it was written by a dyslexic 7 year old. Much if it was incomprehensible gibberish which was about as logical and coherent as a Pitbull song.
Calling it the worst storyline ever committed to film would be unfair in a world where Sharknado exists, so I won’t do that.
The second worst storyline ever committed to film
The entire script is pretty much a stew of ideas from other goofy monster monstrosities. It includes the standard brain-dead military, useless scientists who seem to have got their degrees from an on-line certification service, overly panicky mobs, and people falling over for no apparent reason.
The movie starts with the President’s plane getting hit by lightening. It then goes down over the Bermuda Triangle in a ball of flames and submerges quickly. The President managed to escape in some standard scifi-esque pod with a limited supply of oxygen. One can only assume that the entire reason for this happening, is centred around the fact that they could now create that ingenious pun of movie title incorporating a geographic location and the monster.
The US Navy goes to the last known position and starts surveillance but as they do so, some huge tentacles rise out of the ocean and do a lot of damage to their tinpot boats. This freaks everyone the fuck out which causes them to run around screaming and falling over things.
At this point, they do the only logical thing possible and launch fighter jets to fire missiles at the tentacles. These airbourne machines of military superiority have absolutely no effect whatsoever on the monster, but despite this, the Navy still thinks it is a good idea to stand around on the deck of their boats firing pathetic 9mm pistols at the monster. This just makes it angry.
Suddenly, lots of people who were previously shooting their tiny guns at the giant sea monster start to fall over a lot and jump off of ledges for no apparent reason. I can only assume that being in this movie has perhaps removed them of their will to live.
A Navy Seal, along with an overly attractive scientist (a standard for SyFy movies) then leads a team on a newly developed submersible vehicle to find the president. You know, because Navy Seals with guns are required to sit inside a vehicle looking as cool as their half-assed props allow regardless of their usefullness in the situation.
On the surface, the admiral and the navy battle the tentacles. Underwater, the team in the submersible find an underwater chamber that contains many vehicles. Eventually they find the president.
Does the team fight its way free with the president safe? Will the threat from the Triangle be dealt with? Do I actually care enough to finish writing about this movie?
5 other terrible Syfy monster movies
Anonymous Rex (2004)
In a storyline thought up by somebody on the wrong end of a drug binge. Anonymous Rex centres around the idea that dinosaurs faked their own extinction, thrived, and now live among us disguised as humans. The film follows Vincent and Ernie (two truly heroic names) as they discover a vicious plot by a prehistoric radical to spark a revolution that will convince dinosaurs to stop living a lie and take over humanity once and for all.
Syfy loves sharks. Mega sharks, tornado-sharks this time around, a giant half-shark, half-octopus monster has been engineered as a military weapon. Shockingly, it gets loose and wreaks havoc. You can read my review of Sharknado here.
Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2012)
Not giving up on the shark theme, this time SyFy created a satire of MTV’s Jersey Shore where a group of man-eating sharks terrorizes and kill the Jersey Shore’s scummiest beachgoers including “The Complication” and “Nooki”.
Essentially yet another shark attack movie. This time, a pair of genetically engineered piranha-anaconda hybrids go on a killing spree on a small Hawaiian island after a scientist steals their egg. In the usual shitty Syfy style of having completely random things occurring, there just happens to be a movie shoot happening on the same island that ends up getting trashed as Piranhaconda kills everyone and somehow manages to pull a helicopter out of the sky.
We know all about this one and thankfully there is going to be a sequel. Hopefully Tara Ried suffers an appropriately horrific death this time around.
I’ve been inspired to make a movie of my own, here are some ideas I’ve had for a script.