I understand that the modern age is all about freedom of expression and other incredibly boring overly politically correct nonsense. I also understand that fashion is an individual thing and we can all wear what we want. However, some items of clothing serve as nothing more than a guaranteed contraceptive.
Some shirts, regardless of how much you love them, should be put in the bin, set on fire, then have the ashes thrown over the edge of a cliff.
Pay attention because I’ve made the mistake of wearing a number of these crimes against fashion in the past (I’ll let you figure out which ones!) and I’m here to stop you from making the same mistakes I did.
Some items of clothing serve as nothing more than as a guaranteed contraceptive.
Here are 10 types of shirt that no man should ever wear
Read it and learn because I’m just a bro who’s here to help out other bros.
If you are wearing a stringlet you might as well be topless. Despite what you may think, girls aren’t going to be impressed by the fact that you spend 18 hours a day in the gym working on your body because they won’t be able to take their eyes away from the nipples poking out the side of your stringlet. The other day I saw a guy in a stringlet walking through an outside shopping mall when it was 16 degrees and raining, he hadn’t come from the gym either because his hair was perfect and he was wearing ‘going out pants’. Nobody wants to see your man nipples whilst they are shopping. Ever.
Any shirt that lists all the tour dates of a band should be saved for wearing in bed on a cold night. It doesn’t matter how famous the band was, how much you were overcharged for the souvenir shirt, or how badly you are trying to let people know that you were once really really cool. Also, Hard Rock Cafe t-shirts are just as bad. Like next level bad. Just don’t.
Deep neck plunge
Shirts with a deep neck plunge are usually worn by men with an Oompa Loompa fake tan and an entire bottle of cooking oil in their hair (#GeordieShore). Anybody who thinks that other people want to see their man cleavage shown off by the fact that they are wearing a girls shirt needs to rethink that idea. I’m not even sure what they are trying to show off, its like boobs without the fun part.
Unless you’re in the middle of a 48 hour bro-fisting fraternity bender, unpop your collar Chad. Talking about popped collars, Ralph Lauren may make some expensive polo shirts but the size of the logo on it is inversely proportional to whether you should actually wear it.
Its always a good idea to dress to your body type. If you have a belly that sticks out like he stomach of a pregnant woman about to give birth to twins, you probably shouldn’t wear a really tight t-shirt.
Occasionally slogan t-shirts can be funny, especially if you are a 14 your old kid. But once you hit a certain age, slogan shirts just make you look like an idiot. FYI the FBI Female Body Inspector joke is older than the Bureau itself, if your t-shirt says “pussy magnet” you probably couldn’t be further from the love God you think you are, and telling everybody that you have “morning wood” isn’t going to get you laid its just going to make people think you live in your parents basement.
Alcohol slogan shirts
It doesn’t matter how much you really like a certain brand of alcoholic drink, promoting your preference for Jim, Johnny, Jack or anybody else on a t-shirt is a big no no for anyone over the age of18 unless you are working in a bar. Your t-shirt is not the best way to try and laugh off your drinking problem with a hilariously unfunny slogan either. Unless you were drunk when you dressed yourself this morning, then you might be forgiven.
We get it, you’re proud to be a hipster. But if you have more patterns on your shirt than fingers on your hand you should give it a rest. When you mix floral Hawaiian shirts with Paisley and stripes, you don’t look cool, you look like Ace Ventura’s unfashionable, colour-blind, brother, who’s stolen his grandmas curtains and turned them into a horrendous outfit.
Despite the fact that turtlenecks are perfect for when your neck is too cold for a t-shirt but not quite cold enough for a jumper or a scarf. The only time a turtleneck should actually be worn is if it’s being used to cover up your neckbeard.
Any t-shirt tucked into your pants
The only thing that should be tucked into your pants is a collared work shirt. A t-shirt shouldn’t ever be tucked into your pants and a t-shirt definitely shouldn’t be tucked into your work slacks. Unless you are trying to look like Alan from the Hangover.