The great wedding scam

A while back I proposed to my girlfriend of 7 years. Whilst we were excited at the time, neither of us realised what a humongous and expensive pain in the ass planning the wedding would actually be.

wedding scam rip off

Well, when I say “us“, I won’t lie… I’ve done as little as possible. It’s not that I didn’t want to help, I was just far too hard for me to have valuable input because, for her, every single little detail matters, whilst my attention to detail is slightly lacking. don’t get me wrong, I’ve helped where I can, but the majority of wedding planning has been done by her.

As a guy, I find it impossible to distinguish between white, slightly off-white, off-white, ivory, champagne and the multitude of other shades of not-quite-white. They all look the same!  In all honesty though, none of this really matters because people who are coming to the wedding will probably be too drunk to notice.

9ebb25e99d0f3f41c36f6c0414961c34a73d93cab38a3f2aef08a252546aa110Lets not kid ourselves, most people only go to weddings to celebrate, drink free booze and have a good time. Most of them won’t remember who they came with, let alone which shade of pink the flowers in the centre of the table were.

I don’t mind that my fiancée is paying attention to the little details though, I understand that for a girl, their wedding her big day that they’ve dreamt about since they were young (yes even when marrying me apparently!).

I have a couple of things to think about when it comes to our wedding day. I literally need to roll out of bed 30 minutes before the ceremony and sniff my armpits to decide whether I need a shower, slap some product in my hair and maybe shave depending on the length of my stubble.

Girls on the other hand have to worry about their hair, makeup, dresses, bags, shoes, jewellery, the list goes on. She is going to be up at 7am to start getting ready for a 2pm wedding.

Most guests won’t remember who they came with, let alone which shade of pink the flowers in the centre of the table were.

The great wedding scam

Throughout the course of planning our wedding, I have learnt that the entire thing is just one big money-making scam. As soon as you mention the word wedding, everybody turns into a used-car salesman. I’m certain that the word “wedding” is code for become a money-grabbing, heartless bastard. 

I understand that some businesses are justified in charging more. A hairdresser for example is going to spend a lot more time doing a the hair for the bridal party, the venue is going to have to coordinate and organise a lot more than for a typical party, the DJ is going to have to put a lot more work in before the event in regards to coordinating and planning. Some other businesses however just try to rip you off. Let me explain.

Out of all our guests, there are about 20 people who don’t drink and never have. Regardless, we still need to pay full price per head for an alcoholic drinks package for every person attending. There’s no option for a bar tab, it is a fixed price per head for a food and alcoholic drinks package for no other reason than that its a wedding. I’m contemplating spiking their drinks just so I feel like we’ve got out moneys worth.

weddingWe wanted to hire some different chairs for the reception. The chair hire company, upon hearing the word wedding, gave us a price per chair for the hire, a delivery fee for bringing them to the venue then an extra charge of $15 per chair to set up. I’m sorry, but setting up a chair involves what exactly? Unless they were planning to hire a carpenter from an exotic island to come and hand carve the chairs on site from antique wood, I’m not paying a set-up on top of a delivery fee.

We wanted to hire a car to take us from the hotel to the wedding venue which is only 1km away. We literally needed either 1 car for a couple of hours, or 2 cars for an hour. Despite the fact that you can hire the same chauffeur driven car to drive you 30 minutes to the airport, as soon as the word wedding was uttered, we were told we would need to book at least 2 cars for 3 hours each at a cost of $2000. We decided we weren’t going to pay that for a glorified taxi so phoned around until we found a decent chauffeur company who were more than happy to accommodate our needs.

We are having our wedding outside in a public garden, we have paid for the venue, however we also have to pay an additional fee for a permit to take the photos in the gardens. That’s despite the fact that I could walk into the gardens right now and take a photo without a permit and on the day our guests can take photos without a permit. There is no other reason for the permit fee other than to squeeze as much money as possible from us.

You can buy a large, custom made and decorated cake for $200, unless its for a wedding of course, then the price jumps to $500 for what is essentially the same thing, except I assume it will be made from hand-crafted flour imported from Europe in a first class seat, before being covered in diamonds.

The thing that has me more pissed off than anything else though, is the boxing of the wedding cake for guests at the end of the night. The venue literally needs to cut it into pieces and drop it into a pre-made box, a process which will take about 10 seconds a piece. Sure they are willing to do it, at $2.50 per slice. When you do the math, it works out at a rate of $900 per hour for putting cake into a box, something a trained animal could do. That makes it the single most expensive thing at our wedding on a per-hour basis.

At $2.50 a slice, it works out at $900 per hour for putting cake into a box, something a trained animal could do

But its your special day

The whole bloody wedding thing is a scam run by people who prey on the fact that they have you in a corner and there is nothing you can do about it. “Its your special day so you will pay more… have a wonderful wedding, and enjoy your debt suckers.”

If you want my advice, search around and get the best value you can. Whilst there are some dodgy dealers out there, there are also some brilliant small businesses who won’t try to take advantage of you just because you happen to mention the word wedding.

We know because we didn’t settle on the dodgy dealers, but searched around and found some good suppliers who offer the same service but aren’t going to rip us off. If you want my advice, get multiple quotes and question everything.

In case you were wondering, you can read about my proposal here.

I'm an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.


  1. I got married once on holiday in Thailand for a total of $10. Just me the bride to be and the monk. Was good for 10 years. Then the divorce cost me many thousands.

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