Supermarket checkouts

The process of getting through the checkout at the supermarket is the most dreaded of all supermarket activities. Its worse that walking through the freezer section in shorts and a t-shirt, its worse than getting chicken goop all over you when you pick it up, and its worse than forgetting an item and having to walk all the way to the other side of the shop to grab it.

store line

I would rather not eat than get up off my lazy ass and go to the shopping, because I really hate going to the supermarket. Unfortunately, nobody has invented a self filling fridge yet which means that going shopping is something that we all have to do regularly.

The process of getting through the checkout at the supermarket is the most dreaded of all supermarket activities. Its worse that walking through the freezer section in shorts and a t-shirt, its worse than getting chicken goop all over you when you pick it up, and its worse than forgetting an item and having to walk all the way to the other side of the shop to grab it.

Checkout the supermarket line

The trick to lining up for the checkout is to pick a line and stick to it, because if the line next to you starts to move faster and you change lines, your previous line will then move at supersonic speeds and you will look like an idiot. Instead, you need to just pick a line and stick to it. That said, you need to make a careful judgement of the people around you before entering a line because you will be stuck near them for the foreseeable future.

Regardless of how hard you try to make an assessment of a persons hygiene level based on their look and outfit, your assessment is usually wrong and you’ll inevitably end up standing behind somebody wearing Calvin Klein’s new “Unwashed-Whiskey-Shit-Cigarette” cologne. At this point it is important to hold your breath whilst remaining as quiet as possible, because if manage to make them turn around there is a 93% chance that you will end up with a face full of dog breath and their saliva down your shirt as they try to engage you in conversation.

You should avoid any checkout that has an elderly women in it as well. It is a scientific fact that whatever the cost in dollars of their grocery bill, it will take them exactly the same amount of time in years to count out the change from their coin purse.

You should also be aware of mothers because regardless of how well behaved the child may seem at first, as soon as you enter the line, the little shit will start slamming the back of your legs with its trolley and laughing because it’s troglodyte of a mother doesn’t care and it knows you can’t do anything about it.

You’ll inevitably end up standing behind somebody wearing Calvin Klein’s new “Unwashed-Whiskey-Shit-Cigarette” cologne

Checkout chats

Once you reach the checkout you face the next hurdle… Mind numbing conversation. Now I don’t have a problem with checkout operators, I know they are doing their job and I appreciate it when they are happy and friendly, but some of them take it too far.

store line 1A typical conversation will be along the lines of;

“Hi, how are you going today,”
“Yeah good thanks, yourself?”
“I’m good thanks, are you having a good day”
“Yes, you?”
“Yes”

After that, nobody knows where to go next with the conversation so it just stops dead in its tracks in an awkward silence. Neither of you want to go into further detail because you don’t care, so you just stand there awkwardly whilst they continue to scan your items.

Either that or you get the dreaded;

“Are you having a good day? What have you been up to today? Do you have any plans for later?”

I’m sorry, but unless you are enquiring whether I’m free because you are about to ask me out on a date, I don’t want to have this conversation. I’m all for a friendly hello, how are you, and a bit of small talk, but that’s it. I don’t need an awkwardly condescending enquiry into my life so stop right there.

They are on autopilot and you are on autopilot. If you don’t believe me, test it out. I have tested this. Next time a checkout operator asks you how your day is, say “terrible” and there is a 95% chance they will respond by saying “good thanks” which will often be followed by a stutter as they realise what they have said.I have tested this

I can guarantee that the 15 year old serving me at the supermarket doesn’t give a shit about my life and shock horror, I don’t give a shit about their life either. Regardless, you are about to have your most pointless conversation of the day.

So now that supermarkets have regular checkouts, 10 items or less checkouts and self-service checkouts, the next thing they need to add are “I don’t care what you are studying at uni, or about your day, or about your dog I just want to pay for my shopping and leave” checkouts.

Self-service checkouts

I once took 11 items through the 10 items or less checkout and got away with it. Despite developing an understanding of what criminals are on about when they talk about a buzz, I felt like an asshole. It is a fact that every single person in the 10 items or less line will have more items than everybody in the regular checkout lines put together. These people take advantage of the fact that the store really doesn’t care how many items people in the line have, after all its not really a crime is it. To bypass the unavoidable rage that develops whilst standing behind them, you should not join the line.

Use the self checkout… With a bit of luck they might make you employee of the month.

I know there’s no rule for the number of items you are allowed to take through the self-service checkout, but us regular non-assholes understand that people generally use the self-checkout when they are in a hurry and only have a couple of items.

Self-service checkouts aren’t there so everyone else in the store can watch as you struggle to unload an entire trolley onto that little shelf, scan everything then load it into bags and back into your trolley all without touching the dirty floor. There is a reason that self service checkouts don’t have a conveyor belt attached to them.

The solution

Thanks to modern technology, I have finally found the solution; Internet shopping and free home delivery.

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I'm an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.

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