Music festival stereotypes

As we enter summer once again in Australia, we ready ourselves for the coming months of killer spiders, sweaty genitalia and music festivals. Don't take this post too seriously... it's a piss-take!

Music festivals have morphed from a place where people go to forget about everything else and enjoy the music, into an epic social cesspool.

Whilst they can be fun, there is no doubt about it that they are the absolute worst way to see live music. I’ve been to plenty of festivals and the thing they are best for is people watching and putting people into stereotypical groups.

In the true spirit of music festivals, lets all get together to have a good time and show each other some love whilst we point and laugh at each other.  How boring life would be without all these types.

The trainspotter

music festival memeThese people have a meticulously planned schedule with the acts they want to see circled in pen on their timetable. Should an act start 30 seconds late, the trainspotter will strike up a conversation with the nearest person about how poorly run the event is.

They will listen to every track and frantically write them down in their phone, before immediately telling the 3 other people who actually care all about it on their favourite internet forum.

The trainspotter will throw a look of disapproval at anybody who bumps them whilst they are trying to write in their phone. How dare people actually come to these events to dance.

Can usually be found

Front and centre of the stage, staring at the DJ like a long lost lover.

The attention whore

This is the guy (and yes its always a guy), who wears something to ensure that he stands out from the crowd. Normally a bright blue lycra bodysuit, a far too small Borat mankini, or a costume that would be better suited for a Halloween party.

This dickbag is only there to feed off the power he receives from high-fives and being in as many photographs as possible photographs. don’t give him the attention he seeks otherwise you will just increase his energy levels. Ignore him.

Can usually be found

In the middle of a crowd of people singing too hard to female vocals. If you could hear them over the music, they probably sound like Christina Aguilera, if she was a pubescent boy singing into a pedestal fan.

The bodybuilding posers

These guys only go to music festivals to show off how shredded they are by exposing as much skin as possible. Second-degree sunburn is just a minor inconvenience after you’ve spent months planning your workout routine in preparation for the festival which you’ve mistaken for a bodybuilding competition.

They all seem to be wearing pink shorts to show off the fact that they’ve forgotten leg day and will spend the day flexing and brofisting anybody else wearing tiny pink shorts. The shorts make an excellent place for them to tuck their stringlet they they won’t wear.

Can usually be found

Finishing up 10 reps of selfies, before fist-pumping to 3 sets of Deadmau5 and 2 sets of Avicii, whilst surrounded by other shirtless guys.

The Glamour girls

music festival stereotypeThese are the orange girls who wear so much fake tan that they look like they fell into a bag of Doritos before they walked through the gate.

Tragically, they woke up this morning thinking that they would be comfortable in their choice of outfit yet regretted that decision 15 minutes after leaving the house. You can often spot them standing in the middle of a grass field, wearing high heels and outfits not really suited for dancing.

Can usually be found

In a grotty portable toilet staring into any slightly reflective surface whilst trying to frantically fix their hair and reapply their makeup.

The people who take too many drugs

These are the people who drop $200 on a festival ticket then take so many drugs on the day that they can’t remember a single thing. Despite the lack of any discernible memory of the event, for weeks afterwards they’ll tell everybody about what an amazing time they had.

They spend the day dancing like a maniac, yelling random things at strangers, trying to unlock their wallet like a phone, or talking into a beer can.

They don’t understand why there are so many people there. It’s like real but not really real? It’s confusing. Is it really real people or not real people.

Can usually be found

In the first aid tent, being attended to emergency services.

The ticket seller

This is the person you probably already unfriended on Facebook for their daily statuses trying to sell festival tickets. Buy now because they only have 4 tickets left at this insane price, next week the price will jump by 50 cents. 

Ironically, they always seem to have tickets left yet you always “need to hurry because they’re going quick“.

Can usually be found

Assessing whether the countless hours they spent flogging tickets to people in the lead-up to the festival was really worth it for a single free ticket and a drink token.

The AAA backstage pass holder

music festival stereotypesThis might be local DJ who played a 10 minute opening set to nobody, a ticket seller who sold 500 tickets for a AAA pass, or just somebody who got lucky. The person with the backstage pass will tell everybody all day long that they have a backstage pass, only pausing to take a sip from the single free drink they also managed to get.

Their friends will get sick of listening to them namedrop for weeks afterwords about how they used the same toilet as Carl Cox or touched Avicii’s used plastic cup just 30 minutes after he left the room.

They will continue to hold on to the dream by wearing their AAA wristband for as long as they possibly can after the event, until it disintegrates from around their wrist.

Can usually be found

Not actually backstage but walking around general admission and casually making sure that their AAA wristband/lanyard is visible to as many people as possible.

The Ravers

Ravers are that special breed of person who isn’t embarrassed to dress up in fluorescent, fluffy clothing, giant boots and suck on a pacifier all day. Ravers will arrive the moment the gate opens and be the last people to leave.

They are welcoming to all other ravers, because ravers are all about the peace, the love, and feeling the music. Except Redfoo because that asshole stole their style.

Can usually be found

Jumping around in a small group at the side of stage with glowsticks, home-made beaded bracelets, and a whistle.

The awkward person

They don’t really want to be there but felt like they had to go because everybody else talks about how amazing it is. This person looks, and feels, incredibly out of place.

Can usually be found

In a quiet corner wishing that they were still at home.

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I'm an ex breakfast radio DJ who no longer hosts a breakfast radio show so I created this website to give myself somewhere new to make jokes and rant about life, pop culture, celebrities and stupid people.

1 COMMENT

  1. OMG you forgot the fake hippies. Girls in brand new, fashionable bohemian-style clothing with fake flower headdresses they got at Claire’s.

    The ones who give me (in my flannel, Chacos, and blue hair) the same dirty looks that the preppy girls did in high school.

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