Now I’m not the type of person who likes to encroach on others. I turn music down, I talk quietly and I’m always conscious of whether I’m holding people up whilst driving. This is because I’m not an asshole and I don’t want to purposely annoy other people. Some people however, are the opposite and either have no idea how they act in public or just don’t give a shit.
Cheese, burping, chocolate orgasms and that damn neck pillow… This is the story of the time I sat next to the worst airplane passenger I’ve ever encountered.
Everything here is 100% true and took place over a 3 hour flight
Upon approaching our seats on the airplane, my wife and I politely asked the rather large lady sitting in the isle seat if she would let us in. Despite the fact that it was blatantly obvious that some people would want to sit in the 2 seats she was blocking, she responded to our request with a scowl and a grunt which would make anybody mistake her for a farmyard animal.
Begrudgingly, she eventually lifted her large circumference up out of her seat and let us squeeze past.
Now, I’ve sat next to large people on planes before and it has never really bothered me. This woman was different though, not because of her size but because of the constant stream of annoyance that happened for the next 3 hours. For reasons which will soon become obvious, I’ve decided to name her CheeseSlob.
Picnic on a plane
We had been on the plane for no longer than a minute when, obviously hungry after her long walk from the terminal to the plane, she took the lid off of her takeaway coffee cup and ate what looked like muesli out of it (which smelt more like ass than muesli), pausing only to make nauseating farmyard noises as she chewed.
That was weird, but it was nothing compared to what happened next.
After finishing off her muesli she immediately reached into her bag and pulled out a 500 gram block of cheese. You know, because everybody carries half a kilo of cheese around in case they get a bit hungry. She then bit into it like it was a sandwich and proceeded to make yet more nauseating farmyard noises as she chewed and swallowed it.
Now, cheese isn’t the healthiest thing to eat, but you might be surprised to learn that each 500 gram block contains 520% of the recommended daily intake of saturated fat and 125% of the recommended daily calorie intake. I could almost see her girth growing in front of my eyes.
For somebody with such an active lifestyle, a normal sized drink wasn’t going to be enough for CheeseSlob so its a good job she had a 2 litre bottle of Coke stashed in the seat pocket. She guzzled it down like a marathon runner at the end of a race, only pausing to occasionally gasp for air and let out a small belch.
Next came the proper belching. In her defence, she did at least try to let them out quietly, however she didn’t quite succeed in being discrete. I thought about turning around and burying my head into the plane seat, because the smell of 1000 sweaty asses would have been more pleasant than the cheesy Coke smell emanating from inside her.
After a couple more humongous bites of cheese, she reached down into her bag again and this time pulled out a bag of grapes. This was no small bag of grapes either, this was a large bag like you would find at the supermarket.
I’ve already pointed out that she wasn’t the most graceful eater, but the speed at which CheeseSlob demolished these grapes was astounding. I was surprised that somebody of her size was even able to move her arms so quickly. One by one the grapes were torn from their stalks and thrown into her mouth as her arms flailed around in a non-stop ballet which she was obviously well practised in performing. Try holding your arm out and waving it continually for 20 minutes and you’ll see how annoying that is to see out of the corner of your eye.
I tried my hardest to avoid her flailing elbows as she shovelled the grapes into her gob, but it was no use. I copped the occasional blow to the arm without so much as a flinch from her. Hell, the plane could have caught of fire and she wouldn’t have noticed because she was far to engrossed in eating.
By now she has eaten half of the cheese as well as an entire bag of grapes.
Then the plane took off. Yes, incredibly everything so far happened before we were even in the air.
She bit into the block of cheese like it was a sandwich and proceeded to make yet more farmyard noises
Finally some peace and quiet… or so I thought
After her meal of muesli, cheese, grapes and Coke, CheeseSlob was feeling a bit tired from the strenuous task of putting food into her mouth and chewing, so she settled back to sleep.
She had one of those traveller neck pillows, but instead of being around her neck, for some reason it was sitting around her left knee and brushing against my leg. This would have been fine except she decided to bounce her damn leg up and down for the next 45 minutes, rubbing her neck pillow into my leg with every bounce. I wasn’t sure if she had the shakes, or if she was trying to dance to the rumbling musical soundtrack her stomach was now making as it loudly digested her food.
When CheeseSlob finally did nod off to sleep after 45 minutes of shaking, I breathed a sigh of relief, the torture was over. Or so I thought. My 30 seconds of blissful peace were suddenly interrupted as her mouth dropped open and the snoring began. It was enough to make me want rip her neck pillow off of her knee and shove it down her goddamn throat. All I wanted to do was peacefully read my book but the rage was building up inside me and I the words weren’t making sense to me.
I had tried to be the better person and ignore her, but after 90 minutes of dealing with her annoying shit it became too much so I ‘accidentally‘ whacked my leg into hers, which caused her to wake up in a sudden a wobbly jolt.
Frustrated by her rude awakening, she immediately got straight back into the cheese and before long had finished the entire block.
Next, she reached back into her seemingly endless picnic hamper of a handbag and pulled out a large block of chocolate. The kind that any normal person would eat over a couple of days.
She managed to finish the entire block of chocolate in 10 minutes flat, only pausing to groan with delight like she was having some kind of chocolate orgasm. There were also pauses as she loudly sucked on her fingers and smacked her lips together before wiping the slobber onto her ugly jumper.
Amazingly after all this, she was still hungry and reached into her magic picnic handbag once more. this time she produced an apple. At least it was something healthy. She bit into the apple with an almighty crunch and as she did so, I was hit in the cheek by a combination of apple juice and saliva. Needless to say, I wasn’t impressed and immediately reached for the hand sanitiser my wife carries in her handbag and rubbed in (not very subtly) all over my cheek whilst accompanied by the non-stop soundtrack of CheeseSlobAppleSquelcher crunching and open-mouthed chewing in my right ear.
By now we were getting to the end of our flight.
I wasn’t sure if she had the shakes, or if she was trying to dance to the rumbling musical soundtrack her stomach was making as it digested her food.
Goodbye and thanks for flying CheeseSlob Airways
Once the plane had landed CheeseSlob had one more final trick. It was 11pm and this 3 hour flight was the final stage of our journey home after travelling for 9 hours across Australia. All we wanted to do was get home and go to sleep.
I’m the first person to laugh at all of the idiots who stand up as soon as the plane comes to a holt. They all rush to grab their stuff and stand in the aisle, then they just stand there like morons because they can’t actually get off the plane. Instead of doing this, I wait until my turn then stand up and grab my stuff. CheeseSlob in the seat next to me however had a different process for disembarking an aircraft. This involved sitting her fat ass in the seat and not moving until every single person had got off the plane.
Once the plane was empty, she slowly got up she struggled to get her suitcase out of the overhead locker but there was no way I was going to help this cheese gorged woman with her bag so I just watched. Then she managed to hit me with her suitcase as a final “fuck you very much for sitting next to me.”
Needless to say, I hate flying.